Often confused with polygamy, libertinism or infidelity, polyamory is a way of life and relationship still little known, and subject to criticism. We take stock and keep in mind that in polyamory, there is … love.
Etymologically, the word polyamour comes from Greek and Latin, and means "multiple loves". If we had to define polyamory very simply, we would then say that polyamorous people are in love with several people, or rather that they allow themselves the freedom to be and to socialize with other people, regardless of gender or sex. To go further, we could also add that polyamory is a relational ethics, let's say a way of living your loves by letting yourself be carried by feelings, meetings, and by detaching from the norms that enclose us and sometimes distract us from our most intimate desires.
It's pretty simple – or almost – said like that. And yet the term "polyamory" – sometimes expressed as "multi-love" – has caused a lot of ink to flow and is undefined. Many received ideas hover around this mode of relationship and "poly", nickname given to polyamorous people. We decided to go through these preconceived ideas, just to break them, and to better understand, behind the scenes of polyamory.
Polyamorous are not infidels
Because they hang out with multiple people, polyamorous people are often seen as unfaithful. Polyamory has nothing to do with adultery. Polyamory stands for size, freedom, and a healthy lifestyle based on communication. The partner or partners are always notified. In this, loves are lived in complete transparency.
Polyamorous people don't think about sex
In love with several people, and therefore in relation to several people, polyamorous people are often considered as sex-hungry individuals, who follow one another with sexfriends or even plans for a night out.
However, in polyamorous, there is "love". We are indeed talking about a romantic lifestyle, not a way of experiencing sexuality. Feelings are at the origin of polyamorous relationships, which can open to sexual relations or not. Sometimes it's just a flirtation.
By the way, people who cheat are called "polyfakes". A polyfake is a person who claims to be polyamorous in order to take advantage of others. This person therefore uses polyamory as an excuse to have sex here and there, and does not respect the polyamorous "contract".
Polyamorous people don't dream of exclusivity in secret
Just like the friendship between men and women, which few believe, polyamory is often considered impossible. The argument? One imagines that one of the two partners – because relationships, although possibly multiple, generally remain couple relationships – secretly desires exclusivity. If desires and expectations can come and go (the heart has its reasons), communication is such that little secrets have no place. Within polyamory, we say things to each other so that each one flourishes and feels good in his relationship, or his relationships.
Polyamorous do not cross a passade
Generally, polyamorous people hear sentences like "It will pass you", "you will see when you want to start a family, you will stop all that". However, polyamory is a true way of life, not a teenage passade or a means of consoling oneself after a romantic break-up. Of course, you can turn your jacket around and choose to live (one day) with just one couple, but that doesn't mean that polyamory is fleeting madness. On the contrary.
Because he advocates freedom and gets rid of heteronormed patterns carried by society, polyamory is a thoughtful situation. The idea is to let your feelings express themselves and love triumph, by detaching from a heteronormative married life as it "should" be lived and built.
Polyamouses are not polygamous
If the term polyamory comes up against that of polygamy, it is not only because polygamy is always defined as masculine, but also because the polygamous person associates with people who only associate with her. Polyamory concerns all sexes and all genders, and a polyamorous frequent other polyamorous.
As for the free couple, it means that the partners see other people and are in a couple only with their partner. In polyamory, we form several couples.
Polyamorous are not fashionable
Here too, we are mistaken. We mistakenly think that plural love has been fashionable for a small handful of years. In reality, multiple loves have always existed, if not to be named. We know, for example, that Jean-Paul Sartre proposed to Simone de Beauvoir a "poly-fidelity" pact, after a year of relationship. It was in 1929. Since then, popular culture has constantly promoted this way of life, but who says lifestyle does not necessarily mean trend.
Polyamorous people are not "ultra-light"
We imagine them fluttering. However, polyamorous people have real feelings and are not immune to jealousy or grief. The essential, again and again, remains communication, because the objective is none other than the care of the other and equality, especially women-men. Many polyamoureux can testify to it: the respect is paramount, and the attention brought to the partners too.
Polyamorous people are not selfish
A polyamorous person does not think only of himself and his little comfort in love. She simply chooses to listen to her sentimental impulses, her heart, her desires, in the same way that she pays attention to the desire of others. In this context, polyamouses simply defend the idea thatwe can like several men or women at the same time, and that, as in friendship, we respect each individual and we do not develop any relationship of dependence.
Polyamorous do not condemn the couple
If the polyamorous person finds himself in a mode of plural loves, he does not castigate the couple. It’s an intimate question, a choice. We are heading towards the mode of relationship that suits us. This does not mean that, in parallel, the couple is perceived as a yoke. Polyamorous people do not declare that they are right, they only claim freedom in love: the important thing is that everyone flourishes and finds themselves there, no matter how they perceive love and decide to live it.
Polyamorous have children
Polyamory is often seen as a lifestyle related to youth, incompatible with adulthood and the standards that go with it, such as marriage and children. This is obviously false.
Some polyamoureux become late. They are married, they have children, and this framework does not prevent them from developing other stories with someone. As soon as all of this is discussed with the partner, and everyone finds something in it and happiness, then everything is fine. Polyamory, in the end, is nothing complicated, and not enough to create debate indefinitely: if everyone listens to and follows their desires, the world is only better off.
Bibliography for more information
- Dare to be polyamorous, by Eve de Candaulie (edition of La Musardine), a small book like a practical guide to order online, € 9 at Cultura.
- Fragments of a polyamorous speech, by Magali Croset-Calisto (Michalon edition) is a very serious work, written by a clinical psychologist sexologist from interesting testimony. € 17 online on the Fnac website.
- Loving several men, by Françoise Simpère (Tabou editions), € 13 on Amazon to order directly here, and also
- The New Guide to Plural Loves, by Françoise Simpère also (other worlds editions), a new edition which includes testimonials, 15 € on Amazon.