3 questions to ask yourself before you commit

therapist advises
3 questions to ask yourself before you commit

If you want to commit yourself more firmly, you should deal with these questions.

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Do you want to take the next big step in your relationship? Then you should ask yourself these questions together beforehand.

In a relationship, there are times when one or both parties want to commit more firmly. This can be done in many different ways, every couple is different. One possibility: the shared apartment.

An exciting new phase of life that is associated with a lot of anticipation, but also with some fears and worries. It’s absolutely fine not only to look forward to this big step with joyful excitement, but that’s why it’s also important to face the less pleasant topics together. Preferably before you move in!

In an interview with CNBC, Jessica Small, marriage counselor and therapist, shares three important questions to give you food for thought.

“Why do we even want to move in together?”

In view of the social norms of our society, it seems quite logical: you meet someone, fall in love, have a relationship, move in together, get married, have children… That’s how it is lived by many people and the media, that’s how it “should” be but be, right? But if you only move in together because you think it “must” be done that way, you should take a step back, the therapist warns.

“Coexistence is a big step in a relationship, and ideally, you should choose it because you believe the relationship has what it takes to be a long-term partner,” says Small. However, from Small’s point of view, what is not a convincing argument are reasons such as finances, convenience or “because everyone else is doing it too”.

“How do we want to master the budget and finances together?”

The toilet seat that is constantly raised, an overflowing dishwasher that nobody clears – there are plenty of clichéd arguments. But they are rarely a reason for conflict in real life, according to the marriage counselor. “After ten years as a couples counselor, I can say that these things have never been the problem.” Rather, an unequal division of labor and general personality differences are the reason for the dispute.

Because yes, an overfull dishwasher is actually not the real problem – but a partner who is rather messy, while the other party always likes to have everything clean and tidy. But of course it is also worth talking about other potential conflicts: Are there night owls or early risers in the relationship? Does someone like to have people around them all the time (and therefore also in the apartment), while the other person prefers to be at home? And how are the expenses for groceries and furniture divided?

It doesn’t have to be a reason to refrain from moving in together if you find out from these questions that you are very different in many ways. After all, no one wants to move in with a mirror, but with another person. However, it is important to be clear about this and to have realistic expectations of living together – which can be prepared for by discussing these and other questions.

“What are we both afraid of, each one individually?”

Even if a move is exciting, it can cause fears – it is important and helpful to let your partner know about such fears, because then he:she has them on the screen and can react accordingly. Worrying or even sadness is perfectly fine and nothing out of the ordinary, Marriage Counselor Small emphasizes: “People often don’t ask themselves what they are giving up when they move in with someone and then feel overwhelmed and overwhelmed by the upcoming relationship Grief.”

A person can be extremely happy to move in with their partner. At the same time, she can also be very sad about giving up her roommates or the apartment she previously lived in alone. “It’s important for couples to acknowledge this wide range of feelings,” the therapist advises.

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