Parents who are too perfectionist about their child’s education may suffer from stress and anxiety. Here are 3 steps to get out of it and regain confidence in yourself, according to an expert.
In our current society, pressure is everywhere. In the office, as a couple but also as a parent. Raising children is subject to tons of injunctions, which push moms and dads to always want to be perfect (to the point of sometimes making themselves sick). Do you recognize yourself? You may not know it, but you could be suffering from “Parenting ShouldStorm” (“storm of parental duty” in French).
This term was coined by American pediatrician Alison Escalante “to designate our culture of criticism and anxiety that pushes for perfection in the art of parenting”she explains to Psychology Today. This culture, according to her, “refers to a set of beliefs and behaviors” internalized by everyone, which influences our vision of parenthood.
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What is “Parenting ShouldStrom”?
Concretely, this phenomenon is characterized by a whole list of things that must be done or not done. This could be about sleep, activities, emotions or even children’s diet! A whole bunch of diktats which generally make “create a feeling of anxiety and shame in parents”specifies the expert.
In his book, Sigh, See, Start: How to Be the Parent Your Child Needs in a World that Won’t Stop PushingAlison Escalante offers a solution “clear and easy to remember”. it’s about the three-step method “Sigh (exhale), See (see), Start (begin)”. “Parents can use it even in the heat of the moment”she assures.
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How does this 3-step method work?
1. “Exhale”
“Exhaling is a quick way to calm our nervous system”indicates the pediatrician. “When we exhale slowly, sighing stimulates the vagus nerve in the autonomic nervous system, which moves us from fight or flight to a calmer state.”she adds.
This is, according to her, an important first step. “The thinking parts of our brains shut down when we are upset and lose our temper.”. But the fact of exhaling “helps the nervous system restart our wiser, decision-making brain”she explains.
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2. “See”
During this stage, you have to pay attention to what is happening and try to notice certain things. “Observe your child: is he happy? Is he on the verge of tears? Are his fists clenched in anger?recommends for example Alison Escalante.
Be careful, seeing is not just a question of physical vision. “To see is to observe and record what is happening without immediately trying to change it or to apply a “should”, she assures. “It’s a micro-moment of mindfulness that allows us to truly know our child, rather than the vision we have of him in our head.”
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3. “Start”
“Then, and only then, start listening and thinking about the appropriate response. Does he need a hug? A little space? Something else ?”, insists the specialist, who simply suggests starting… not doing anything. “For parents who are more reactive, learning to give everyone a minute can be very helpful.”.
The key to this final step is to see it as a learning process. “We test reactions and then gather information about what works and what doesn’t. This helps us understand that each child reacts differently”, she declares. A good way to “moving parents from anxiety to confidence”she concludes.
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Rights of women and children, violence, feminism, gender, discrimination, parenthood, education, psychology, health, couple, sexuality, social networks…. Joséphine loves deciphering all the social issues that drive our world…