5 parenting mistakes that turn children into bullies, according to a special education teacher

The tyrant child believes himself all powerful, wants to impose his law on his parents, takes power over all those around him; young and old. His behavior is unmanageable, his emotions are unstable, and he does not hesitate to manipulate the people around him into going his way. It’s often through psychological, verbal and/or physical violence that he achieves his ends: the bully child bites, hits his father and/or his mother, throws tantrums, utters “self-aggressive” threats (suicide, running away, self-mutilation) or even threats towards his parents. A hell that begins in his earliest years and continues until adolescence…

From an outside point of view, the spectators have easy judgment and point the finger at the parents, whom they describe as “resigning parents”. Of course, it is true that“a child-tyrant alone does not exist”***; but the reality is more complex than it seems. This infantile tyranny is the result of a mix between social environment, brain functioning, and education provided by his parental figures. In this sense, a specialized educator has identified certain education errors common to parents of child-kings: becoming aware of them can help us not to fuel this dynamic of toxic domination and to better manage their whims, their frustrations and their aggressiveness.

Parents never show their true emotions and/or feelings

Much of the child’s emotional world is built from its parents: management of own emotions and those of others, emotional connection, empathy.
– So, it is by observing mom and dad experience a specific feeling that he learns to identify it in others, that he assimilates the warning signs of this emotion in his interlocutor, that he understands what the other is going through. Ex: the TV is broken, dad frowns because he is angry.
– It is by seeing how his father or mother reacts to such emotion thathe discovers how he must manage these same emotions when they arise in him. Ex: mom cries and sheds tears when she is sad.
– It is by noting the reaction of his parents in the face of someone else’s emotion that he learns the appropriate behavior to adopt. Ex: the child falls on the ground and cries. The parent will comfort him, help him stand up. He does not order him to get up, does not minimize the physical pain felt following the fall. By doing this, the child will understand that when someone falls, you have to help them rather than scold and/or make fun of them.

For the toddler’s emotional world to be complete, balanced, healthy, it is therefore necessary that parents show him everything “the range of existing feelings”**** that they can live, without hiding or disguising them. If the latter do not show their own feelings and/or emotions, that they are cold and impassive towards those of others (including their own), the child will be emotionally limited, will have difficulty understanding others and will be sorely lacking in empathy. Since he will not immediately detect the signs of the emotion felt in his interlocutor, he will be more inclined to engaging in hurtful or problematic behavioruntil there is a “blast” emotional. Thus, what is taken for provocation can also be a lack of understanding from the child tyrant.

Parents overprotect bully child from “negative” emotions

The second error mentioned by Danielle Graf is common to many parents because it starts from a good feeling: it is about wanting protect the child from any negative emotions, to lock him in a comforting cocoon devoid of sadness, disappointment, or anger. Involuntarily, this practice transforms him into a true ruler, unable to learn patience, perseverance, resilience. He quickly gets frustrated and/or upset when something doesn’t go his way.

For what ? The explanation is simple. Motivated by the happiness and development of the child, the parents overprotected him, pampered him, made sure to avoid any annoyance. In the past, he therefore never really experienced, crossed, suffered the negative emotions “as much as he should have” and never learned to deal with them in the end. Result: he manages his negative emotions very badly, quickly switches into fits of anger or tears when his desires are not realized.

The specialist educator hammers home this: it is beneficial to the child’s development to let him fend for himself and suffer the consequences of his actions (as long as they do not endanger his health), rather than protecting him or assisting him excessively. This is how he learns that he is capable, as well as he learns to digest the “unbearable” (the Golem effect, does that speak to you?).

They give him a “substitute appeasement” rather than real emotional comfort

Giving gifts to the child in a systematic way, to console him when he is disappointed, sad, angry, is another educational error pointed out by the specialized educator. In line with the previous error, this practice encourages the child to be “lazy” in dealing with difficult emotions. By dint of receiving consolation prizes that act as distractions, his brain is conditioned to seek this “immediate reward”, to give in to the urge to satisfy his primitive desires, and to avoid unpleasant emotions at all costs.

This consolation prize system in fact only satisfies the basic system of the brain (the “reptilian brain”****), to the detriment of its prefrontal cortex (seat of our rationality, our thinking, our logic). He thus learns to repel the pain at all costs rather than to overcome it. With this practice, in addition to making spoiled children, they are made into children obsessed with the immediate reward, unable to live even a semblance of suffering. The best thing is to let him live his emotion, to offer him an attentive ear when he wants to talk to you about it, to give him a space where he can feel emotional security; in short, to give him a real comfort rather than a distraction to avoid the said emotion.

The environment is unpredictable

When faced with an unpredictable parent (like the Eggshell parents), the child never knows what to expect. In a fraction of a second, the parent can switch from one emotion to another, regardless of the context or the action the child has taken. The day before, the child will sing loudly throughout the house, which will provoke laughter from his dad. The next day, he will do the same thing, but the latter will violently get angry.

Here, the emotional signal is scrambled: the child does not know which action is prohibited or accepted, what rule is implied behind the parent’s reaction since, depending on the day, the same action will generate different reactions in the parent concerned. The child has no solid structure, clear landmarks, clearly formulated rules that establish what is socially acceptable and desirable. Result : he does not really assimilate the rules, norms and values ​​necessary to live well in community and/or society.

The adults go beyond the refusals and the limits of the child-king

In addition to learning by observing his parents, the child also learns through his own experience… During childhood, if he was repeatedly confronted with situations where he said “no”, but the parents always imposed their will on him, the message passed is the following: it is the strongest who decides when the “no” is really a “no”, when the limit is legitimate or not. Growing up, the tyrant child will therefore unconsciously want to make his will triumph by forceimpose his whims on others even when they do not agree.

As young as he is, the child is endowed with limits. Thus, if he refuses to kiss an unknown adult to greet him, his parents should not force him. It is in the interest of the latter, his family and his entourage in its entirety.