Vice versa
5 things we teach our moms
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Our author learned a great deal that she can do from her mother. Today she has something to give back and coaches her mom.
Linda Berger
Mom – I learned pretty much everything I needed to grow up from her. Today I fold the laundry like she does, cook the world’s best tomato sauce like she does, clean the bathroom exactly like her, I’ve learned that groups of friends change and so do my own needs. Although I swore to myself as a child never to use the phrase: “When you’re a mom yourself, you’ll understand me,” it slips out now and again with my children. Much of what she said to me then makes sense now. But some things aren’t either, and in the course of my adult life I’ve overtaken my mom in a number of ways. That doesn’t mean I left her behind, it means I decided to take her with me and just like I’m still learning from her, there are things she’s learning from me now. And that makes me really proud. On me and on her too.
5 things my mom learned from me
1. Below free
Don’t you talk about that? Talking about genitals and sexuality with your parents is a bit odd. But beyond that, we women know really little about our bodies, the hormonal chaos, what the pelvic floor does and where exactly the vulva is. And when we started talking about the problems that all of these things can bring, I realized how relieving it is. Especially for my mom. It’s becoming more and more normal for us to talk about menstruation, sex, masturbation and the like, but in your generation it’s not at all a matter of course. The level of suffering during the menopause could be so much less, the treatment methods more diverse, if women were more enlightened and that applies by no means only to ladies over 50. How valuable it is for your well-being to find out how a sex toy works and that it’s not grubby at all? Better late than never, that’s all I’m saying. Conversations like this create a whole new kind of intimacy and I think that’s a really good feeling.
2. Financial Independence
“Finances? Your father takes care of that, I have no idea about that” – up to now this has been my mother’s usual answer to the question of how her financial security looks like. And to be honest, that’s a road that’s a bit rockier than reaching consensus. Even with friends of the same age, it takes a lot of perseverance to convince them of the importance of dealing with old-age provision and security, it’s similar with my mom. So small steps. It has been learned over the years that the man, if he and the classic relationship exist, takes care of the money and so far finances have also been a rather unsexy topic. But if something happens to the men or there is a separation, the women are usually at a disadvantage, are quite helpless and don’t know what to do. It’s not all that complicated – like all uncomfortable things, you just have to start. My mum will definitely not become a shareholder anymore, but at least we’ve invested in ETFs in the meantime, instead of just parking everything in the account. My father is also learning something new.
3. Self reflection
The buzzword of our time. But not the time of my parents. While I’m working on myself, trying to communicate better and not constantly reacting in a snotty passive-aggressive way to things that annoy me, this mode hasn’t really caught on with my parents yet. I’m trying to be lenient – I’m not perfect either – but I notice that they think more about it than they used to, include other points of view and are no longer quite so stubborn. There is still a lot of room for improvement, but at least a start has been made.
4. Say no
Fulfilling the expectations of others: a very big topic. A birthday coming up? We have to invite, even if we would rather just have the day to ourselves. There has to be a three-course meal at Christmas, even if it’s more stressful than anything else. Paying attention to your own needs, noticing them in the first place and then acting accordingly without thinking about what others might say is definitely something that mom is still welcome to learn.
5. Body awareness
“Have you gained weight?”, “Phew, so you have to wear that with that figure?”, “Did you see her running around again?” – As far as the ratings of others are concerned, not that much has changed in the parents’ generation since the 90s. The only thing that helps is pointing out that it’s not okay. However, a lot of people can still learn a lot, not just the mothers. The situation is similar with self-acceptance and mildness towards one’s own body. We don’t all look like the ladies on the TV feature film. get over it