Keeping calm with your child is not always easy. Here are some tips to relieve guilt and feel more at peace with your children.
Being a parent is already a hell of a job, so being a Zen parent is a challenge in certain situations. When our nerves are regularly tested, we are often on the verge of a crisis, even for the calmest of us. It is not always easy to remain full of good feelings during difficult situations with your little one.
You come home from work, you are tired and you would like to rest in peace, but your child has decided otherwise. Anger is an inevitable temptation, but know that you will tire yourself even more! Célia Levavasseur, pediatrician in a public maternity ward and author of “A guide for young parents who don’t want to die of exhaustion” (Nathan) shares his advice with us.
First of all: be well
“When there is a depressurization problem on the plane, parents are recommended to put on the oxygen mask and then come to the aid of the children”, explains the pediatrician. “This actually means that to help your child, you must first of all be well..”
In fact, children almost spontaneously absorb the emotions of their loved ones and in particular their parents, the main figures of attachment. They have such a connection that instinctively they react to the tension of their parents, whether positive or negative. The stronger the tension or the heightened emotion (sadness, but also joy), the more our children will be electric. They will react to it in support or in opposition.
“Children are emotional sponges.”
But that doesn’t mean you have to hide your emotionsbecause life itself is made of them and your child will have to learn to experience them, to master them.
All in all, you have to feel good, with your environment, with yourself. The goal is to be fit and less exhausted to be more peaceful, patient and creative with your child. “But for parents to feel in harmony with themselves, society must take care of it.”, says Célia Levavasseur. “And that’s not really the case today.”
Read also: Mental load: the 20 sentences of fathers that we no longer want to hear
Getting help and agreeing to get help
To be well, you have to get help, but you also have to accept being helped. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child. “And that’s true !” assures us the pediatrician. “We need our neighbors to give us a helping hand to look after our children, to get out of school, we need solidarity. But women must also agree to get help.”
What the doctor is emphasizing here is that mothers must lower the bar, they shouldn’t feel pressured to be perfect. “The problem is that in our current society, mothers are accomplished women, extraordinary housewives, business leaders, wonderwomen, they are everything. And finally, for our grandmothers who were housewives, it was cooler.“According to her, there is a real problem of girl power. Because if women today have a job and work, the job at home with the children often remains the same (long live the mental load) and society does not really support mothers. It is normal not to insure 100% on all points, you are human !
“The problem is that in our current society, mothers are accomplished women, extraordinary housewives, entrepreneurs, wonderwomen, they are everything. And finally, for our grandmothers who were housewives, it was cooler.”
And if we crack…
Above all, don’t feel guilty. It happens, it doesn’t matter. The pediatrician reassures us: “Studies have shown that if in 60% of the time spent with your child you are a “good parent”, the child will be fine. This means that 40% of the time, we can break down, do wrong and let go..” So no stress, you don’t have to be flawless. “If you crack, you repair it and explain things to your child. We apologize, we talk, we fix.” Explaining an emotion experienced can also be useful for your child.
If you get to a point where you don’t know where to start with your child, remember that well-being is one of the first keys. So instead of asking yourself a thousand questions about what to avoid doing, think about what might help you, to recharge the batteries. “I don’t like to make a list of things to avoid, I find it really too guilt-inducing for parents”, says Célia Levavasseur. “I prefer to tell them that you have to accept help, that you can find it, and above all that you have to try to find strategies for them to rest “.
A child’s job is above all to be in interaction with his parent.
Even if sometimes it doesn’t seem that way, your children “don’t like” to push you to the limit. This is not voluntary. “A child discovers and explores the world”, explains the pediatrician. “He hits everything to see what noise it makes, he breaks to see what it gives, he does stupid things and that’s normal.” What you have to be careful about is how you interpret it. According to Célia Levavasseur, parents tend toadultize” the words and deeds of their children and to see it as provocation rather than curiosity.
And if it goes beyond everyday nonsense and your child spends his time looking for you, you have to understand one thing: the job of a child is above all to be in interaction with his parent. The doctor certifies:A child will prefer to exceed his parents until being beaten rather than not having a relation. This interaction is his survival, he cannot live without.” This is what the psychoanalyst Spitz describes in particular through this affective feeling that he calls hospitalism: when the parent-child separation is prolonged, we observe an evolution towards a state of slump, physical and psychic. Death then occurs in more than a third of children.
Valuable time to spend with your child
Finally, the less you are present for your child and the more he will provoke you, and the more he will provoke you and the more you will be annoyed and so on. So that your child does not push you to the limit and so as not to come to shouting and arguments, give him your timeeven if it is not always easy on a daily basis.
For children, these moments spent with their parents are essential to their development. When parent and child share quality time, their brains secrete oxytocin, causing them to a feeling of well-being. This precious time will do you and him good.