Who doesn’t dream of being a perfect parent? However, perfection is often unattainable and, by wanting to do too well, we often generate unconscious toxicity which can alter the child’s confidence and your relational bond. Here are 5 toxic phrases to avoid.
Parenting is an area that requires a lot of patience and understanding. However, it happens that, by wanting to do too much, certain comments tend to become toxic. Demeaning phrases, guilt-inducing comments or even reproaches, these sermons are often harmful to your child’s well-being and contribute to a lack of self-esteem. Jennifer Wallace, Harvard parenting expertin the United States, outlines five phrases not to say to your children.
1. “Your job is to study”
School is a difficult time for children in terms of stress, homework and emotional load. It is such an integral part of their daily life that it is sometimes difficult to break away from it. Wallace advises pushing them to do other things at the same time. She says that for children to thrive, they must help and contribute to a community other than the school environment.
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Wallace’s goal is to make people understand that there is more to life than working in school and earning good grades. You have to broaden your horizons and get involved in a field that they like and allows them to think about something other than school. To do this, she advises encouraging your child to play sports or getting involved in an association in order to help and be useful to a community.
2. “How much did you get for your homework?”
From an early age, it is important to make children understand that a school grade does not define them. Wallace prefers to make them understand that the effort they put into an assignment is more important than the grade obtained because it generates a competitive spirit to the point that the child forgets that the concept of school is above all to obtain knowledge.
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The key is not to ignore school but to focus on other subjects such as the meal they ate in the canteen or the discussions they had with their friends. The expert makes sure not to create a stressful school climate in the home and favors conversations about what they have learned. This allows them to gain maturity and thus have deeper and structured conversations with the people around them.
3. “What are you doing after your baccalaureate?”
The expert strongly emphasizes this idea of not bringing the stress of school home. However, discussions on the future are taking place but in a more formal manner. Wallace schedules discussions dedicated to the academic area so as not to make it an omnipresent thought within the home. The specialist believes that these are important subjects that must be discussed but wisely so as not to generate an anxiety-provoking climate.
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Wallace has found that this method has been beneficial for the family. Bringing your children together periodically and talking about the future can significantly reduce intra-family tensions and reduce children’s stress and anxiety. The author of Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic – and what can we do about it ensures that this process allows you to approach the week with more lightness and to focus on what really matters.
4. “I want to see you give 100% to everything”
The Harvard expert emphasizes the importance of not saying this toxic phrase. Demanding your child to excel everywhere can lead to exhaustion or even burnout. Because her mental health remains paramount, she explains that it is important to make “wise efforts”. According to her, it is not necessary to be at the maximum of one’s abilities in every area because this can give rise to unhealthy perfectionism.
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Psychologist Lisa Damour explains that the important thing is to spend your energy efficiently. The principle is not to be excellent everywhere but to be good and learn from your mistakes because that is what shapes the child. It is therefore important to teach your children to use their energy strategically and not to make perfection an obsession.
5. “I just want you to be happy”
Even if seeing your children happy counts in the eyes of the parent, the specialist encourages families not to idealize this notion of happiness. As a parent, she obviously pushes her children to be better, but not just for themselves. For others too. The idea is not to make young people selfish, but to allow the elevation of their spirit and the development of new abilities through, with and for others.
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In his eyes, happiness does not only come from valuing oneself and is not limited to one’s own person. Wallace thus transmits to his children the idea that it is necessary to give value in return to be happy, and that happiness comes through sharing and communication.