Communication in relationship
6 things you can do to hurt your partner without saying a word
© Vega / Corbis
When dark clouds cloud love, an angry argument is not always to blame. We often offend our partner without words. An overview of the worst non-verbal fouls.
It is not always the loud arguments that wear down a love affair. Often we show our / our partner: in our body language (unconsciously or intentionally) what we think and feel. Because: It is almost impossible to lie with your body.
Or else: We are physically present, but still do not get involved with our counterpart. Very close and yet so far …
The psychologist and communication scientist Paul Watzlawick once coined the famous phrase: “You can’t not communicate”. We are constantly sending and receiving information. That means: We can hurt other people without speaking. So be careful of these communication traps!
1. No eye contact
If we avoid the other person’s gaze or consciously ignore it with our eyes, we send a clear signal: I am not getting involved in this conversation. I don’t want any contact. This unsettles and frustrates the partner: in.
2. Silence
Anyone who verbally closes the bulkheads lets the other: n starve to death on the long arm. Hardly any other form of communication is so destructive. Those who keep silent have the power. The other is left in the dark about his / her own feelings, he / she pokes in the dark and becomes more agitated and angry with every minute of silence.
3. Be distracted
Sometimes there are only very small hints that show that we are not on the matter, i.e. our counterpart: While you are talking about your stressful day, he / she continues to read the newspaper. When you’re out with a friend, you go to the bar to order something instead of listening to what he or she is saying. When making a phone call, he / she lets himself be distracted by every passing cyclist (“Wow! Cool frame!”). The signal that arrives: Sorry, but there are just so much more interesting than you.
4. Disparaging body language
He or she listens – but with a poker face. In an argument, your partner makes a dismissive hand gesture in response to a comment. He or she crosses his arms and holed up. He or she rolls his eyes. He or she shows the other person a bird. Body language is a powerful means of communication. Even if we think it depends on the content of a conversation: According to the findings of the well-known pantomime and body language experts Samy Molcho 80 percent of our reactions and decisions are triggered by non-verbal communication and only 20 percent by what we say.
5. Ignore offers to talk to
“Funny! Did you see the guy with the pink glitter suit?” The answer is a silent nod of the head. “I’m kind of cold” – “I’m not.” Two examples in which unambiguous offers to talk do not work. Either because the other does not understand it as an invitation for a conversation or he or she deliberately lets it roll off to show: I really don’t care.
6. Don’t listen
Often follows on from point 5, but can also stand alone. Ranges from the short distraction (see point 3) to daydreaming to full draft (“Sorry, did you say something?”). It always becomes critical when the other can no longer get through. Or in a dispute only your own opinion counts anyway.
How you can do it better:
And what can you do so that you don’t communicate in such a destructive way? It helps to analyze your own behavior. If you want to send positive signals, you should make sure you are open and approachable – both with your body and through attentive listening. And to make a conscious decision: for this moment. For this conversation. For this person. Then the message should get through.