There are behaviors that mark the way we treat our children as "toxic". What that can be, where they come from – and how we as parents can improve.
Nobody is perfect, and while we try hard, we parents make mistakes too. Often because we don't know any better. But also unconsciously, because we may not know it any other way. The Duden defines the term "toxic" among other things as "very malicious, dangerous, harmful, grueling". This can apply to a role model that society conveys to us, to a love relationship – and also to a style of upbringing. Avoiding the following eight behaviors is only good for your children.
1. Don't take children seriously
No question about it: it is not a good idea to have another Coke right before going to sleep. Or not to put on a hat when the temperature is below zero. Or not to apologize for pulling your girlfriend's hair. But just because we as parents have more life experience doesn't mean that we automatically know everything better. Taking our children seriously, listening to them, and putting our trust in them makes for a valuable relationship. Because only in this way can parents and children live on an equal footing.
2. Projecting one's own negative feelings onto the children
It is not always all peace and joy pancakes, mum and dad can cry, be angry and be afraid too. And discuss this with your children, be open, show feelings. But that doesn't mean that we should pass anger, anger or sadness on to our little ones, who probably can't even do something about it. If we're upset because things aren't going well at work, it's not our child's fault. Even so, we sometimes treat it that way – adults can often understand and understand that, but children usually cannot. Then, before blaming Mum's sadness in yourself, it is better to talk to them about the situation. So that everyone can understand each other.
3. Preventing children from becoming who they want to be
We only want the best for our children: they shouldn't have any worries, be financially secure as adults and be able to enjoy a good education. We should be careful not to focus only on what we wish us for our children. If our child just struggles at high school and does not get good grades, it may not be in good hands there. If your best friend's child doesn't like it, no one has to be forced to go on a play date either. And if your son feels most beautiful with glitter nail polish, then he can wear it, no matter what the others say. Who knows what it's good for – our kids probably know best.
4. Transferring one's own interests to the children
Who of us does not have those unfulfilled childhood dreams. Regardless of whether it was a dog, ballet lesson or a sibling – unfulfilled dreams accompany us into adulthood. And when we are too old to start a football career again or to take riding lessons, our children are sure to be happy! Or? Maybe it may be so. Maybe your little ones also want completely different things – making it possible for our children to do what we have been denied is a nice basic idea. But nobody wants to torment themselves through eight years of piano lessons, no matter how proud mom is. So we shouldn't forget that everyone has a right to their own dreams.
5. Show little empathy
"Close your eyes and through", "An Indian knows no pain" or "Now pull yourself together": Who rolls their eyes when you hear these sentences? Nobody likes to open up to their fellow human beings only to get trite phrases thrown at their heads. The same applies to our children. Even if it is difficult to imagine: being a child in 2021 is completely different from what it was for us back then. What we found difficult can – literally – be child's play for our children. And the other way around. No matter how succinct the worries of our little ones may seem to us, we must not just wave them off. Because then they learn that their problems are not in good hands with their parents – and trust wanes.
6. Be overly critical
Our child gets a hard-won good grade, but isn't it good enough for us? Constantly insisting on what is even better, looking for the smallest mistakes and making comparisons with other children, wears down the offspring. Because if you learn from an early age that you can never be good enough, at some point you may not even try. Or develops a wrong self-image, underestimates yourself continuously, becomes pathologically ambitious. Of course, we should motivate our children and not always be satisfied with everything. But: the dose makes the poison. And sometimes you just have to lower your expectations – only to be positively surprised again. Who knows?
7. Just take care of yourself
Me-time, self-care, finding yourself, taking a deep breath: in hectic everyday life it is often not easy to take care of yourself. Even so, we sometimes unconsciously put our own needs first. Are we going to Portugal on vacation because all family members have been able to agree on it, or because we absolutely want it ourselves? Does the child have to go to bed earlier today because they are tired or because we want our rest? It becomes toxic when we no longer even notice that everything revolves around ourselves. Because then we permanently neglect the needs of our children. So: Better to pause once more and take our loved ones in your arms. Then we don't need to have a guilty conscience when we retire for an evening with a good book.
It's better to ask more questions than just continue as usual
Just because someone shows the listed behavior does not necessarily mean that the person is consciously doing it, means it is bad or wants their children to do something bad. Our parenting style is often based on what we know from our own parents. However, we must not forget that times have changed and that pedagogy has evolved for the benefit of our children. Therefore: It doesn't hurt to question your own behavior as parents again and again and not stop working on yourself.
Sources used: "Self Care Advocates" via instagram.com