Often times, people don't know how to react to a miscarriage and can be clumsy. Here are nine phrases that are essential to avoid if you want to comfort someone.
Mourning like any other. In France, it is estimated that around 10 to 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to the Haute Autorité de Santé. Far from being a rare phenomenon in a woman's life, it is unfortunately still taboo. And while some celebrities have been trying for some time to speak out about it (as Meghan Markle recently did), it is often a disease that women suffer from alone, in silence.
Worse, those around them sometimes do not know how to react to such a tragedy. Some people imagine that it is not serious or at least not as serious as losing a child at birth. Yet there is no ladder to pain. Losing a baby two or three months pregnant can be very difficult, especially when it is eagerly awaited and you have already established a relationship with it. When you are pregnant, your body also goes through many changes. Dealing with this great upheaval, while having a miscarriage, is heartbreaking. Losing a baby, even a few weeks pregnant, is going through grief. And every woman should have the right to grieve the way she wants.
See also: 40 women who have suffered miscarriages reunite for poignant shoot
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This is why it is necessary to be vigilant and pay attention to what you say to a woman who has just had a miscarriage. Often relatives have unhappy and awkward words. Although they are not malicious, they can cause injury. Let's not minimize their pain and above all, don't let them feel misunderstood. It starts by avoiding saying these six sentences to the one who has just lost her baby:
- "You are young, you will have more" : this baby existed, it is essential to recognize him in order to experience his grief and be able to move forward.
- " It happens often " : Knowing that it affects 10 to 15% of pregnancies does not make this tragedy easier to live with.
- "If it didn't work, it shouldn't be" : once again, this baby existed, and the future mother felt it, lived it.
- "Better that it happen now rather than in a few months" : imagining more serious scenarios does not make the pain easier to take.
- "You already have a child, it's not that bad, think about those who don't" : Whether it's the second or the seventh child, pregnancy always brings a lot of joy and hope … and therefore hurts just as much when it ends in miscarriage.
- "That's why we shouldn't say anything for three months" : Every woman is free to announce her pregnancy whenever she wants and is not to blame for doing so too early. Besides, how could she have support from those close to her if no one knew about it?
- "At this point, it wasn't really a baby" : some women feel close and united with their baby, even after only a few weeks of pregnancy. The fact that the fetus was not yet well developed does not minimize their pain.
- "At least you know you are not sterile" : Just because we know we can have more children doesn't mean the loss of a baby is less tragic.
- "One day you won't remember it" : at what point in her life does a woman forget having gone through such an event? And just because it's sad doesn't mean it should be forgotten.
If you don't know what to say, don't say anything, but listen. Some women need to talk about it in order to come out and move forward, others don't. Either way, reassure them that it's okay to be sad, upset, angry, or on the contrary, not to feel anything at all. There are no right or wrong ways to experience a miscarriage. What matters is to recognize that it can represent a real tragedy in the life of a woman and that it is necessary to educate oneself on the subject to better support them.