Acid victim Vanessa Münstermann: "From today I can be ugly!"

Face and décolleté full of scars, the left eye destroyed, one ear etched away. In the first few weeks after her ex-boyfriend's acid attack, Vanessa Münstermann didn't think she would ever find a partner to love her so much. The 30-year-old mom is now a small daughter and wants to marry her childhood sweetheart in the fall. Now she has written a book about the acid attack and her life afterwards. "I don't want to hide myself" is the title of her autobiography, in which she tells about the relationship with the perpetrator Daniel F., but also about nightmares, the first look in the mirror, the rehab, the trial and the fear of the end of the Prison sentence.

The deed happened shortly after she broke up with Daniel F. He attacked her on the street on February 15, 2016. The Hanover district court sentenced F. to twelve years in prison for deliberate, serious bodily harm.

BARBARA: What happened on the morning of the acid attack?

Vanessa Münstermann: I was traveling with my beagle lady in the morning before my ex-boyfriend Daniel F. suddenly came out of the bushes. With the words "I'm going to jail anyway" he tipped a liquid into my face.

What was going through your mind at that moment?

I didn't buckle up that something really bad had just happened. I knew it wasn't going to be water that he poured into my face, but I wasn't aware at all that I would be in a coma because of it. I still wanted to go to work. But the lady who helped me then said: "You are not going anywhere" and called the ambulance. I had no idea what was happening to me. In the event of a gunshot wound, a pressure bandage is put on. With liquids, you don't know how to react.

Doesn't the acid cause severe pain?

No not at all. The acid was so strong that the nerve fibers were dead immediately. My professor later explained it to me like this: If you put an egg in a hot pan, the protein structures immediately tilt. And that happened to my skin that morning. There were simply no nerve fibers left that could transmit pain to the brain.

But the woman who called the ambulance directly saw that something was wrong?

Apparently. I was told in retelling that it looked like a green bucket of paint had been tipped into my face.

You shouldn't look at yourself in the hospital for a long time. You even took off the mirrors. How was it for you? Didn't you want to know what happened to your face?

The station I lay on is like a glass box. I didn't have a real mirror, but of course I tried to catch a glimpse of my reflection in a different form and when it got dark to reflect myself in the panes. So I already had a clue what I look like.

How bad was it when you first looked in a real mirror?

Well, I was blown away with morphine, i.e. mood enhancers, and they numbed all feelings. The first emotions actually only came in rehab when I was sitting alone in my room and thinking about everything.

While other people who experience bad things crawl and struggle with their fate, you are a very open and positive person. Where do you get the strength from?

This is actually a reaction of defiance to a certain extent. I just didn't want Daniel to have power over me and destroy me. Ultimately there are only two options: carry on or give up. If I had given up, he would have gotten exactly what he wanted. But also the "We love Vanessa" campaign, in which donations were collected for me, the website and the blog, on which I was encouraged, the people who believed in me. I didn't want to disappoint them. So I just had to believe in myself. But also family and friends – it's like a puzzle that is put together. Those who hide have to break their vicious cycle in their heads. People are basically good and not bad. Clearly there are also negative experiences. The positive, however, prevails.

During the rehab period you also had very depressive moments …

I still have it today. But the rehab was a very intense time. After all, it was the first time that I was alone with my thoughts. Then the tide turned again. But there have always been other people who have helped me to get through this.

During rehab, you initially felt that there was a divided world – that of the sick and the healthy. Where do you see yourself

Yes, that's so absurd. At first I felt the same way, but then I opened my eyes and realized that it was nonsense. This sick and healthy world does not exist because everyone has their problems and has to overcome them.

Those who feel this separation as such in society feel quite comfortable in their victim role. I also look after many affected people who see it that way. They don't want to get out. They say they want to, but have not yet made up their minds. It is comparable to women who experience domestic violence, but still stay with their partner.

It is often a process that has to be followed and of course it is always a question of what type you are. Am I someone who has to be taken by the hand or can I do it on my own? I also needed this process, although I'm a very defiant type. That also helped.

How are you today, three years after the fact? Are you still under treatment and do you have to undergo further operations?

There are many things that are not as they should be. I can't stretch my neck, I can't close my eye and I have no ear. These are reconstructions that have to be done. I want to wait until my daughter is big enough to understand what is happening to her mom. After that, I would like to go back a little bit into normality, which means: maybe have the lip contour done or the eyebrow. My professor would probably continue to operate for years, so that I almost look normal again. But whether I have the strength to do so is a completely different matter.

The perpetrator, Daniel F., threatened you out of prison and wrote you letters. Is he still looking for contact with you?

The letters he sends me are now being intercepted. But now he writes directly to different media. He also wants to be heard and explain his view of things. Unfortunately, he still doesn't understand what he did there.

… which is also part of the personality disorder that he was diagnosed with.

I agree. It was only during the trial that his 27 criminal records came to light and that he was already in psychiatry as a child.

But neither his ex-girlfriend nor Daniel F.'s parents warned you about him?

No, nobody warned me, they were happy that they were rid of him.

You only became aware of a lot afterwards, even though he treated you badly during your relationship. When you describe the time with Daniel in the book, you wonder why you didn't leave much earlier.

Yes, you don't have to talk nicely: I was just as stupid as bread. Very easily.

Daniel F. is expected to be released in nine years. Are there measures that will protect you and your family from him?

Unfortunately not. A victim is not protected in Germany. Detention was refused. He also does not want to be treated: from his point of view, he is ultimately healthy – and one must not force him.

You founded an association that helps other burns and acid victims. How exactly does the club work?

The work of my club Excellent. e.V., is very diverse. Affected people call us and tell us what they need. This ranges from aid packages with ointments and bandages to personal care at the bedside. Many just don't want to be alone, talk and socialize with someone who looks just like them.

I am currently looking after 15 affected people, who of course use me at different intensities. I usually talk to those who come in fresh every day because they are still at the very beginning. Those who I have been looking after for three years and who are doing well simply don't need me that often anymore. For me, the exchange with other people affected is at least as important as for them. That is my form of therapy.

Before you worked as a beautician. A profession in which the exterior is particularly important. How has your ideal of beauty changed?

Basically, it's just crazy because I had to be beautiful as a beautician. To sell the products, of course, I also had to wear and advertise them. Today I can be ugly. It is, in a sense, an exemption from not having to be more beautiful. Nobody can live up to the ideal of beauty every day. That does not work. Now I can just go out in sweatpants and people think "My God, how does it look like?", But I can also step outside with an evening dress and they still think the same thing. It makes no difference to me.

Now you love yourself more than before the attack?

You have to stop criticizing yourself. If you ask a hundred people if they think you are beautiful, there are always those who find you sick. So you can't do it at all, you can't stand the pressure. And the most important person that you have to please is yourself. And you have to get there. The doubt is always in ourselves. The others are not evil, in the end everyone wants to be loved. But why does someone else have to love you? Who is he that he can judge whether you are beautiful or not, whether you are lovable or not? Just be a little more defiant towards everything negative, then the positive comes all by itself!

Cover book

"I don't want to hide" by Vanessa Münstermann was published in February 2019 by Rowohlt Taschenbuch Verlag and costs 9.99 euros.