At work or with friends – those who can listen actively gain trust and sympathy more quickly. We show what is important.
Active listening: What is often missing in conversations
Listening – we all have to do that every day. What can go wrong with that? Quite a lot, according to scientists! Without knowing it, we commit one or two faux pas every day, making conversations difficult. Because we care more about how we say something than how we listen, we often don’t care about this area of communication. That is why we only notice much too late, if at all, when we haven’t listened properly.
Each of us has made the following mistakes while listening:
- Interrupt the speaker. This disrupts the flow of the conversation.
- Not responding properly to what has been said and only expressing your own opinion. That seems self-centered and unsympathetic.
- Turn the body away. This subconsciously signals disinterest.
- Counter a story with your own story on the topic (“I know, it was like that for me …”). This seems self-centered and empathetic, as we prefer to talk about ourselves than to deal with what we have just heard.
- Allow yourself to be distracted. Our lack of focus on the conversation conveys indifference.
- Typing on the phone while listening. This also signals to the other person that their words are not really important to you.
To prevent these mistakes from happening to us, we should practice active listening. That kind of listening promotes the bond between both interlocutors and makes you look sympathetic and charismatic. And who doesn’t want to collect a few bonus points when it comes to charisma!
Active listening: what is it exactly?
Let us first come to the definition of the term. Active listening means that you are consciously participating in the conversation. In contrast to passive listening, you don’t just let the information you hear patter on you without showing any emotion. You react to what you hear – with gestures, facial expressions and words. This is how the person who is telling you something feels really seen, heard and understood. And that has a positive effect on your relationship – be it as a partner or professionally.
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Active listening: it’s that easy
Good news: You can implement active listening quickly and easily. However, it does take some self-discipline to follow through with the tips in every conversation. But: the more you actively listen, the more automatic the associated behavior occurs. Then active listening becomes your standard behavior during conversations of any kind, without you having to go out of your way.
Follow these six tips to help you internalize active listening.
1. Reflect on feelings
We find access to others above all when we show empathy. That’s why you should show in conversation that you understand the emotions of the other person. You can easily do this literally, for example: “You must be feeling annoyed now.” Or, “I’m sure that makes you angry, doesn’t it?” You also give the other person the chance to talk about their feelings. This immediately makes the person feel valued.
2. Rewrite what has been said
“Do you mean that you would have expected her to come up to you on her own?” If you briefly repeat what you have heard in your words, you are demonstrating genuine interest. You signal that you have the situation really want to understand in depth. In this way, you can also clear up misunderstandings and enable your conversation partner to carry out and deepen their narrative. This opens up your counterpart more easily.
3. Use non-verbal communication
Did you know that our communication zu is about 80 percent non-verbal? This means that the words spoken are not really that relevant. Our non-verbal behavior is more important – that is, gestures, facial expressions or the tone of voice. As you listen, make sure that you express your concern and concern. Nod when you understand something. Show your feelings through expressive facial expressions (for example, frowning when something surprises you). And show interest through your posture: do not cross your arms, which convey rejection, and turn your whole body towards your counterpart.
4. Hold back with your own stories first
Before you unpack your stories and give your opinion, you should first have completed all three of the steps above. First, give the person you are talking to the feelingthat he or she was heard and understood. You can then share your views or experiences. In this way, your input has an enriching and non-engaging effect.
5. Focus yourself
Better a short, intensive conversation, than a half-hearted long one! There is a lot to do during the day and sometimes we want to kill two birds with one stone. For a good conversation, however, you need your focus – and your undivided attention. Otherwise we will drift away with our thoughts and let ourselves be distracted by things that are going on around us.
6. Close the conversation properly
You almost always remember the end of a conversation. So make sure how you end the conversation. Suddenly getting rid of your girlfriend because the bus is coming or throwing a brief “We’ll see you tomorrow” at your colleague doesn’t seem so sympathetic. The other person may then regret the entire conversation. Instead, show appreciationby thanking you for the interview. “Nice that we discussed this” or “Thanks for telling me about it” feels a lot better!
Just give it a try – use active listening the next time you have a conversation and see how the conversation develops! Here you can also learn how to communicate mindfully. The transmitter-receiver model also helps you understand communication even better.
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Sources used: forbes.com, indeed.com, positivepsychology.com