Alone doesn't have to be lonely

Maria swings the bulging blue travel rucksack onto her delicate shoulders. 18 kilos. The 1.68 m tall and only 53 kilos light woman seems to almost collapse under the weight. A strand of her blonde hair is caught under the straps, another is blowing across her eyes. But she doesn't seem to mind. She prefers to think of the adventure that lies ahead of her. A broad grin crosses her face as she heaves the backpack off her shoulders onto the baggage carousel and holds out her passport to the airline employee. “To Lima, Peru,” she says. “Are you traveling alone?” Asks the lady. “Yes,” replies Maria. And a short time later, without a backpack, but with a lot of pride, walks through the airport towards the gate.

Like Marie, many women have discovered traveling alone in recent years. A study by the travel search engine Skyscanner, for example, has shown that eight out of ten Germans have already traveled alone. Another statistic shows that women, 64 percent, dare to take the “ego” trip (for men it is only 23 percent).

Time with yourself

In general, time is itself a trend that can be seen in many areas of modern life. The number of single households in Germany alone has increased significantly in recent years. As the census of the Federal Statistical Office shows, 17.1 percent of the German population live in single households – around 15 million people. The thesis quickly arises that all these men and women must certainly be very lonely and alone. The two terms are usually used synonymously, but they mean something completely different.

Loneliness is a feeling that brings isolation. Being unloved. Loss of contact. Those who are lonely have the impression that they are not needed or noticed by anyone. The psychiatrist and brain researcher Manfred Spitzer wrote the book "Loneliness – The Unrecognized Disease" on the subject. In it he writes that loneliness not only affects the elderly, but is also a common theme among young people. He describes loneliness as a contagious and little-researched disease that "spreads faster than immunity can be built against it". He even goes a step further and says that loneliness could soon be the number one cause of death in the civilized, western world. Loneliness is the total loss of physical and social contact. The exchange with other people is completely absent.

The conscious decision at me-time

And that is exactly what being alone is not. Alone is intended. It's a yes to me-time, only with yourself at the moment. The Berlin cultural scientist and ethnologist Professor Dr. Wolfgang Kaschuba says that being alone is always associated with the idea of ​​freedom and independence. “Up until the 18th century, nobody could survive alone. It was only with the clarification and the first technical achievements that it was even conceivable that people could live their lives alone. "

And part of this life contest was the decision of the career choice. Until about the mid-1960s this was still predetermined by parents and their professions, today generations can freely determine which path they want to take professionally and privately. Working in foreign countries was still something exotic 40 years ago, today people look at you strangely if you have never been abroad. And even fleeing from the countryside to the cities goes hand in hand with being alone.

“In the country, the idea of ​​being alone is rather strange,” explains the professor. “It's quite normal for the city. There people enjoy the freedom that the urban environment offers them – regardless of whether this relates to hobbies, relationships or the cultural program ”. The city offers the framework for any self-realization.

The danger of loneliness

But we also run the risk that being alone will turn into loneliness. For example, when we rely on co-presence through social networks that only pretend that we have friends. Or if the partner suddenly separates or dies without having cultivated his friendships in previous years. Then suddenly the private anchor in life is missing and a feeling of emptiness spreads.

It is particularly important for people living alone to get involved, go to events and mingle with people. “Family and relatives are becoming less important. For this, friendships are extremely important, especially for people living alone, in order to counteract the danger of loneliness, ”says Professor Kaschuba. “We need contacts, we have to go out, work for the community, but always within our autonomous framework. We can decide which projects are close to our hearts ”. People are absorbed in the collective, but they can still be to themselves again when they have had enough of the others.

The healing powers of being alone

This luxurious time with oneself has healing powers as well as peace of mind. As a survey of 18,000 people from 134 countries by scientists and the British broadcaster BBC has shown, being alone was ranked third among the activities rated as particularly relaxing after reading and being in nature. Another study by the Technical University of Dresden examined the work-life balance of 500 students, the least of whom were mentally or physically impaired and who had sufficient time to “think about themselves”.

But despite all the positive aspects of being alone, “it must not become a fundamentalist attitude”, warns Professor Kaschuba. “What we need is a society that is independent and self-reliant, but that is committed to the community.” The image that emerges are many individualists who become a colorful crowd together. Being alone promotes creativity, you learn to make better decisions, to follow your inner voice and to perceive it in the first place.

Maria also learned this on her trip to Peru. She was amazed at how many people without friends, partners or family members are looking for adventure abroad. She came to the unknown land alone and was afraid of loneliness. But in the end she was only alone if she really wanted to. Compared to loneliness, being alone is a conscious decision. A deliberately evoked and voluntary state in which you can be with yourself because that's exactly what you want at this moment.

Maria now knows that she has the choice to go on a journey with her partner or just with herself. Because she was allowed to and had to really get to know each other in the four weeks alone on tour. She has internalized that she can endure the time with herself. As a result, she can decide for herself whether she wants to spend her time with someone else or just with herself. Me-time is a privilege that everyone should take advantage of. Because if you can suffer and be with yourself, loneliness won't hurt you so quickly.

This article first appeared in Fogs Magazine:

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