Is it time to break old dating patterns? The so-called “contra-dating” could be the solution. That’s what lies behind it.
When looking for a partner on a dating app, we usually decide in seconds whether to swipe left or right. In addition to appearance, the deciding factor is often the same interests, preferences or expectations. But what if we consciously interrupted this automatic process?
The dating site “Plenty of Fish” started the “Contra-Dating” trend. The concept challenges the common preferences and habits that often guide people when choosing a partner. Instead of focusing on the familiar and known, this approach is intended to motivate people to consciously date outside of the usual prey pattern.
Dr. Nasanin Kamani, author of “Date Education – Love Bombing, Tinder frustration and fear of commitment: See through your date” (EMF Verlag), sees potential in the trend: “Staying flexible is never a bad thing,” explains the psychiatry and psychotherapy doctor compared to spot on news. “As long as you don’t have to give up your own values or give up points that are extremely important to you in a relationship – for example monogamy, a shared place of residence or a desire to have children.”
Rigid patterns are also often restrictive: “Sometimes we almost automatically follow our well-known pattern Kamani. Because needs can change depending on your level of experience, level of maturity or phase of life. “In this respect, contra dating could help you to re-examine your own expectations of a partner and a happy relationship.”
Contra dating as an opportunity to break patterns
Dr. Kamani also sees “contrarian dating” as an opportunity to break learned patterns – for example when it comes to emotional availability. “Some people find dating partners who express binding interest early on and are available without any obstacles uninteresting or automatically consider them to be needy. It is very possible to build a deep bond with someone without there having been any previous phases “It was characterized by ambiguity and uncertainty – or the impression that you had to prove yourself or fight for the development of the relationship,” says Dr. Kamani.
In order to unlearn such a pattern, you also have to give quieter ways of getting to know each other a chance and not measure your emotional strength or dating potential by how much you worry about the other person.
Contra dating: “Stop following your first impulse”
But how can we get to know people who don’t normally fall into our prey scheme or grid? Dr. When it comes to online dating, Nasanin Kamani advises you to make it a goal to stop following your first impulse: “You consciously choose brown-haired instead of blonde, a hiker instead of a party person, a film lover instead of a museum-goer.”
To do this, you first have to be clear about your own dating scheme. You can also involve friends for this: “They can sometimes name things quicker than you can, which you have been paying tireless attention to for years.”
In real life, things are a little different: “Encounters happen more naturally; sometimes a friend or colleague only appears in a more attractive light after months or even years,” explains Dr. Kamani. “You can give space to this feeling, even if your old preferences come forward and want to downplay your dating potential.”
The Risks of “Contra-Dating”
However, the doctor recommends approaching the contra-dating attempt with the right expectations. “Love, dating and relationships are always associated with risks such as loss of time and energy, sometimes also with grief and anger,” says Dr. Kamani. “Putting myself out of my comfort zone, questioning patterns and giving new things a chance doesn’t mean that things suddenly happen on their own or without any disappointments.”
She advises looking at the whole thing as an experiment and not as the new miracle formula. You should also make sure to use a sensitive tone when discussing “contrarian dating” in front of the other person. “The fact that someone is basically the opposite of what you were originally looking for can sound hurtful. The fact that you are pleasantly surprised by the development because you haven’t dated a similar type of man or woman before sounds completely different.”
How we develop a prey pattern when dating
Why is it that most people fall into patterns or develop certain preferences when dating? According to Dr. Nasanin Kamani Many people take their own characteristics or interests as a kind of minimum standard: “For example, you don’t want to date someone who is less sporty, less fond of traveling or less educated.”
Certain character traits also play a role: “Some people search for a caring, empathetic nature that can cope well with their own emotional fluctuations and perhaps even absorb them.” Other people are looking for people who they subjectively perceive as a “better match”. “The hope here is to improve your value and feel more satisfied. Of course that doesn’t work,” says Dr. Kamani. “The ‘super match’ is being pursued for the wrong reasons and also only provides short-term self-esteem boosts, which has little to do with actual stability.”
Other preferences develop, according to Dr. Kamani from our history and past experiences: “A significant ex-partner who has shaped our image of love and everyday life together, or the relationship between parents, which can serve as a positive role model or a deterrent example.”
Why patterns in dating can become a problem
According to Dr. Nasanin Kamani can be especially useful when you are looking for an emotional reservoir or self-enhancement in a potential relationship partner. “In this case, therapy can help to reflect on such patterns and resolve them at least in part,” says Kasmani. Of course, a healthy relationship can also provide emotional support and stability, but “it should not be the partner’s job to treat deeper psychological injuries.”
“Sometimes you end up repeatedly in relationships that are not chosen by the mature and self-caring part of you, but by the injured, perhaps even traumatized part,” the doctor explains. These are often relationships that are characterized by rejection and a lack of communication or by dramatic dynamics in which break-ups and reconnections alternate. “In the long term, this can damage self-esteem, socially isolate or promote anxiety and depression.”