"Naaaa, how did you get to know each other?" Nothing seems more exciting than this one question. Like revealing everything about a couple. But does she really do that?
Sooner or later it always comes, the question of all questions. Anyone who goes out as a couple knows them for sure: Naaaa? How was it with you back then? How did you meet? And then always that enthusiastic, expectant, almost creepy smile that tells you: Just have a decent answer. Because with this question I will find out EVERYTHING about you. That means sweat of fear for Internet acquaintances and couples who just got together and had a lot of fanfare because they got along well in the office or were always friends somehow. If these couples then just tell the truth like that, the disappointment is great. No diving with great white sharks, no chance meeting at sunset on the Seine? Not even a story with the word kinship or life-saving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? Yawn !!!
The experts also find it exciting
“Couples counselors and therapists also usually first ask about the story of the acquaintance,” says couple counselor Eric Hegmann. But they don't do that to find out how much Hollywood potential the beginning of the love story has to offer. Rather, it's about HOW the story is told. Do the couple talk together? Do they interact? How do you deal with disagreements? Do you have a similar sense of humor? All this and much more can reveal the narrative of the first steps together. American professor emeritus John Gottman did entire studies on the subject and found that most long-term happy couples told their story in a very specific way. They spoke in the we-form when telling the story, rarely using “he”, “she” or “I”. Statistically speaking, the partners who spoke of each other and presented themselves as a unit stayed a couple longer and were happier than the others. “By saying“ we ”they express a fundamental attitude towards partnership,” explains Eric Hegemann. "An attitude that is particularly sustainable".
But what is sustainable?
Eric Hegemann finds the “Disneyfication of love”, as he calls it, very difficult. "People who believe that fate has this one person in store for them, this one great love as you know it from Disney films, have great expectations of love," he says and explains why this is so dangerous. “Love, which starts like fireworks, is first and foremost based on sexual attraction. It's not completely irrelevant, but not as important as a really deep friendship that connects both partners. And this friendship can begin quite unspectacularly and has to grow. That takes time. ”Couples who put too much emphasis on the really big feelings at the beginning are often disappointed after a few years if the level of happiness cannot be maintained over the long term. There are even studies that show that couples who went to great lengths for the wedding and even got into debt are statistically more likely to get a divorce than couples who kept the celebration small and affordable. "It's about security again," says the relationship expert. "What we are looking for is not soaring, but trust and commitment."
And the same story over and over again
So does the story of the acquaintance matter? What! Just don't give it too much importance. Actually, we basically also know that the beginning of a story doesn't really say much. And yet we like to hear them again and again. We read books about the beginning, watch films about the beginning. Every beginning, as Hermann Hesse said so beautifully, is somehow magical. And even if it's a Disney magic, it's somehow touching. If it is then told in a we-form, we can even hope for a happy ending. A little Disney hasn't hurt anyone either. As long as we can endure reality with old socks on the sofa, controversial parenting issues and annoying mothers-in-law. Only Disney isn't. Real friends can also take the outtakes after the credits. And that is what it is about!