Anorgasmia: When sex is just a stressful to-do

“Like falling and flying at the same time” is how the orgasm is described, among other things. There are many words that try to describe what goes on inside a woman who is about to reach sexual climax. And yet there aren’t enough words to describe what it’s like when that climax doesn’t come or never came.

Anorgasmia is one of the most common sexual impairments.

When it is no longer a question of a temporary dysfunction, when sex is only an issue of shame, pain or blockage, then the lexicon of psychology speaks of “anorgasmia”, the inability to experience an orgasm. It is one of the most common impairments of sexuality, according to studies one in ten heterosexual women never reaches orgasm.

When do we speak of anorgasmia and especially: How do we deal with that? In our romantic-sexual relationships and with ourselves in a society where physical closeness and sex are equated with a happy partnership? We spoke to the relationship expert and manager of the relationship academy “SozialDynamik”, Masha Hell-Höflinger. She knows exactly what it’s like to live with anorgasmia – and how to find your own sexuality again.

“We women are used to endure pain”

Of course, one does not immediately speak of anorgasmia when an orgasm occurs only irregularly, after all there are many factors in women that make it easier or even more difficult for them to reach a sexual climax. “Maybe you’re more tired than you’d like to admit, or you’re at a point in your cycle where it’s harder to have an orgasm,” Hell-Höflinger explains.

However, if the feeling of being sexually blocked persists over a longer period of time, if you have never had an orgasm or if sex is even painful for you, then it is advisable to seek medical help. “A lot of women have pain during sex, but don’t dare to talk about it and just endure it. After all, we women are used to enduring pain.”

Many women experience sex more as a stressful to-do.

If no physical reasons can be determined, it is advisable to look at the psyche, the expert continues. Stress and arguments in the relationship can also be a factor here, as can dissatisfaction with one’s own body or mood.

“Many women experience sex more as a stressful to-do, in which they somehow have to be available to the man and his needs,” says Hell-Höflinger, another possible reason. Furthermore, the topic of sex is associated with shame for many people, which “prevents us from talking about our true needs”. This shame can arise from various factors, for example bad experiences in connection with sex or if sex is not an issue in the family and the parents have a very distant relationship with one another, for example.

The sensitive topic of sexual shame is also addressed in different studies treated. The result an investigation: The greater the perceived social support, the more likely the person feels to talk about sexual topics with friends, partners and family – vice versa, a perceived small support leads to not turning to the outside world with these topics .

Anorgasmia: How can we deal with sexual blocks in our relationship?

Anyone who recognizes that sex is associated with negative feelings such as fear, pressure and shame, or who has rarely or never experienced an orgasm, is advised by the expert to discuss this with their partner. But it is also advisable to deal with yourself, as the relationship expert explains.

I am the woman, a sexual being

“First of all, it’s about acknowledging and accepting that for some reason the experience of sex isn’t what you’d hoped for, without blaming someone for it.” Hell-Höflinger advises – as long as there are no medical obstacles – to consciously go on the journey inside, to recognize the physical protective mechanisms and to free oneself from them.

When a woman says, “I’m a sexual being and I want to experience that,” it’s important not to give up, but to turn your love and awareness within your own body.

In this way you can find out for yourself why you close yourself emotionally and physically. Professional (e.g. therapeutic) support can be helpful here, as we sometimes find it difficult to recognize for ourselves what exactly and in what form is blocking us when it comes to sex.

We are not machines

According to the expert, everyday stress should also be taken seriously and avoided. “We treat ourselves so carelessly, both physically and mentally, that the body has little choice but to say at the end of the day: ‘You do it, but I won’t go along with it!'” It can help to actively withdraw from everyday life, to breathe consciously, to take a bath, to spend time doing nothing, Hell-Höflinger continues.

“You don’t have to love your body, but stop hating yourself”

The expert does not know a woman who is one hundred percent satisfied with herself. Self-love and self-acceptance aren’t just touted on social media, mantras like this come crashing down on us from everywhere – you don’t even have to go that far, says the entrepreneur. “You don’t have to love your body, but stop hating yourself.”

It can be helpful to look at yourself naked in the mirror for five minutes every day. “Tell yourself: This is me. I’m good the way I am. Everything I see has its story. Whatever it is that you don’t like: your body is doing so much for you, it deserves it to be lovingly treated and touched.”

It’s up to you to set boundaries

A stressful everyday life, unequally divided household and educational tasks, constant quarrels – There are many possible reasons why a loving closeness between you and your partner is difficult now or in the long term. However, seeking sole responsibility or blame with the other person is anything but expedient.

“As a woman, I now allow myself to take care of my limits,” can be a mantra in such difficult times, advises the expert. After all, we are all responsible for setting and maintaining our own boundaries. Also think about what you would want from your counterpart in a relationship on an emotional and sexual level.

“Shame disappears when we talk about what we are ashamed of”

Sexual assault can also cause us to develop sexual blocks. Hell-Höflinger has experienced this himself. She was a victim of sexual assault early in her life. As a young girl, she was chased from one carriage to the next by an exhibitionist on the subway, and as a teenager, her driving instructor constantly grabbed her chest when reversing. Sex was a taboo subject in her family, and she was left alone with her ignorance and shame about the changes in her body and the sexual assaults. “I always thought it was somehow my fault,” the expert recalls at the time.

But through her training as a life and social counselor and other different psychological training courses, she was able to learn a lot about how the human psyche works and she learned one thing in particular from the American author Brené Brown: “Shame disappears when we talk about it what we are ashamed of.”

For her, the first step in processing these experiences was to get out of the feeling of guilt: “None of what happened was my fault.” The injustice that happened to her body – that so many women around the world is done – she sees it personally as an “imprint of a past that we can feel, but which doesn’t have to define how we are today”.

Plan your sexual encounters consciously

Scheduled sex may sound very unromantic at first, but it is a common habit of sexually satisfied couples. Nobody would automatically feel like having sex in the evening after a long, stressful day, explains Hell-Höflinger. It can help if you create a space and time to experience closeness and real encounters with each other.

Create a sensual space, not another item on the to-do list

But please: This shouldn’t mean that sex should just become another item on both partners’ ever-long to-do lists. It should really be about creating a sensual oasis in which both feel comfortable. Scented candles, cozy pillows, fresh linens, nice music, hugging each other… there are many ways to make sexual encounters special.

About Masha Hell-Höflinger

Masha Hell-Höflinger is the managing director and coach of the relationship academy socialdynamics. She works with people and tries to recognize and dissolve their triggers, fears and blockages. SozialDynamik is a company that specializes in solving relationship problems in love, family and professional reading. The Relationship Academy operates in Austria, Germany and Switzerland.

Sources used: Interview, femna.de, Spektrum.de, stern.de, link.springer.com, womenshealth.de, ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, lifehacker.com, researchgate.net, de.statista.com

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