In intimate relationships, it is sometimes difficult to let go. Sometimes the desire to do well and the fear of disappointing are so strong that we miss the present moment. If this situation speaks to you, you may be suffering from spectatorism.
When one is perfectionist by nature, one is often in all areas. Whether in your job, managing your home or even your relationships, including sexual ones, you can’t let go. During the parts of legs in the air, if your need for control and performance is gripping, it is called spectatorism, or spectatoring in English. This term, coined in 1970 by researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, is described as watching each other make love instead of being in the present moment and feel the sensations. Put simply, your need to look attractive, to reach orgasm, or to satisfy your partner is so strong that you tend to forget about yourself. So what is spectatorism due to? It can come from a lack of self-confidence, and therefore fear of the gaze of others. Many women are complexed by certain parts or aspects of their bodies, which is why they struggle to surrender completely during the sexual act.
Performance also plays a role in spectatorism. With everything we hear about “Criteria of a good sexual relationship”we can sometimes inflict unnecessary pressure on ourselves “to be on top”. But up to whom? Aside from yourself and your partner, no one else matters in times like these. Finally, spectatorism can also be due to conflict with spouse : whether it’s a simple estrangement or a deeper problem, having this negative thought in mind does not help to let yourself go.
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How to let go during sex? Advice from a sex therapist
Sometimes the things that should be the simplest turn out to be the most complex. Making love with your partner is not just about taking off your clothes and saying how much we love each other by linking our bodies. If you are not comfortable with your physique or the way your sex is going, why not talk about it with your spouse? “Remember that your partner probably doesn’t judge you as harshly as you judge yourself”says Suzannah Weiss, sex therapist and sex educator at Well and Goodbefore adding: “You’d be surprised how almost never others notice ‘flaws’.” The specialist specifies that to completely let go when you make love, it is important to feel “physically and mentally present in the way you feel”but also “to use your own senses to focus on your partner”.