are you the “mediator” of family conflicts, and how to deal with it?

In the best of cases, family reunions are an opportunity to spend pleasant moments of reunion. But sometimes those good times can turn sour, especially when financial squabbles or value conflicts come into play. Donations, inheritances, sale of a house or land, various philosophical or political disagreements… The situation can quickly escalate, even tainting the relationships of certain family members in the long term. Some will take sides head-on, and others will try to settle the problem peacefully. They then take on the role of “mediators”, which, if it is the most altruistic, is not the easiest to maintain.

To find out if you are the privileged mediator of your family, it’s simple. You tend to put your points of view aside, try to defuse the situation peacefully, serve as “golden mean” without ever going into judgment? All in the hope of safeguarding peace between your loved ones at all costs. When a conflict approaches, it is you who are called, so that you can reason with everyone and that everything ends in a fraternal hug? You are probably the mediator of your inner circle! By taking this position you may have the best intentions. Who wouldn’t love to help loved ones get along? But it is also a particularly risky role, especially for your Mental Health. This role must be held with tweezers.

An uncomfortable mediator position

Rebecca Vivash is a therapist and member of the Counseling Directory. This is a platform that allows you to get in touch with advisers specialized in conflict management in particular. Questioned by METRO, she explains that a good number of its customers arecompletely drained” by this role of “family peacekeeper.” According to his experience: “The problem is that being that in-between is definitely going to mean hearing nasty comments from both sides. It can be hard to absorb when your loved ones are involved. You might also become hyper-vigilant about your own communication. For fear of saying something that might pass as a position for one of the parties.”

The mental load caused by this position can be very important, and yet, Rebecca Vivash insists on the fact that his clients feel genuine anxiety about giving up this role. “Being the family mediator can be a way to protect yourself from the risk of being the direct target of criticism.”

Tips for helping loved ones while protecting themselves

If you hold this role in your family, several methods can help you avoid putting your mental health at risk. They can also help you take a step back from situations in order to manage them better. For Rebecca Vivash, the most important advice is to set your limits. “If you find yourself in the middle, moderating family disputes, the first thing to do is to take care of your well-being. (…) you can listen to both sides of the story, but you have to create clear limits of involvement for yourself.” To help you, the therapist offers three main points:

• Be supportive, rather than trying to fix the situation. Instead of getting too emotionally involved and wanting to manage the conflict at all costs, put yourself in support for your loved ones who are suffering from the situation. This can have beneficial effects on calming both parties, and will prevent you from feeling guilty if the resolution takes time. “Be an empathetic and listening ear. Without agreeing to pass messages or adding your own opinion in the midst of the conflict.”

• Be assertive and avoid blaming one party. Display and clearly express your limits. Explain to your loved ones that you will be there to listen to them, but not to actively participate in the conflict. It can be tempting to add your stone to the building, or to try to gain the confidence of your close relations by supporting their respective versions. Despite these good intentions, the effect could be the opposite and put a penny back in the machine.

• Take a step back. Family disputes can sometimes take years to resolve, and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. If your family members move away despite your mediating action, don’t blame yourself. “Estrangement happens in one in five families, and shouldn’t be a source of shame” recalls Rebecca. Time will do its thing and sometimes you have to accept letting go.

What should the mediator do if the situation escalates?

In some more extreme cases, situations of family conflict can degenerate into virtual open warfare. In this kind of case and despite your good will, it is better to step back and call in a professional. The government has set up a system of family mediation which makes it possible to ease tensions thanks to the advice of a professional who acts as an outside observer and negotiator. This service is aimed, for example, at parents in the process of separation, at grandparents who wish to keep a link with their grandchildren or even at young people who have broken ties with their family.

In order to access mediation, all family members must give their prior consent and it is prohibited if violence has been committed within the couple or against a child. These professionals meet within the CNAP, associations or via the National Family Allowance Fund. This is a paid service. A first interview is offered and then participation is requested. The distribution of costs, in the absence of agreement, is made equally between all parties.

Society/Sex/Psycho Journalist

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