By now, many have heard the word asexuality at least once. But the problem is that very few understand what sexuality means to people on this spectrum.
Asexuality is still a foreign concept for many people today and is fraught with ignorance and prejudice. It is therefore particularly important to talk about it and provide information. Nina Raap and Franziska Hörstgen are both asexual. In our interview they talk about prejudices, acceptance and discrimination that they have already experienced because of their sexuality. Starting with the first conversations with parents and friends – to strangers on the first date and the general feeling that something is wrong with them because so many couldn’t understand their feelings at the time.
Asexuality means having no or only partial sexual attraction. The opposite of this is allosexuality, which describes people who don’t fall on the asexual spectrum and experience sexual attraction. For many asexual people, who also call themselves Aces in the community, the road to acceptance of their sexuality is a long one. Not only for the people around them, but also for themselves.
Hurtful reactions and incomprehension
Coming out as an asexual person can lead to hurtful statements, especially in the family. It is not uncommon for parents or siblings, for example, to downplay it. For example, when she came out as an asexual, Franziska heard her father say: “Oh, you just haven’t found the right one yet.” – and her brother jokingly tells her that she’s always been a bit weird, but: “Now we know why”.
Both mean what they say well, of course. For her brother, it’s his way of showing her his acceptance. For her father, the saying translated as much as: It will still happen, don’t judge too quickly, you’re still young – but also: I can’t imagine that that’s your sexuality. But both try to support Franziska where they can.
But at the beginning they know too little about their sexuality or how to deal with their coming out in an accepting way. Therefore, they unconsciously reproduce so-called microaggressions, i.e. subtle humiliations that question a person’s identity and cloud or reduce its relevance. They often ensure that the people affected doubt their identity and have to explain themselves again and again. Most of the time, however, they do not arise out of a phobia against asexual people or malice, but out of ignorance.
However, the statements by her family still hurt Franziska at the time. She doesn’t feel understood or taken seriously. But over time, her family members learn to respond better and more understanding to her sexuality and to accept her more and more as an asexual person. Because this is often a process that does not take place immediately. With her mother, who initially also reacted with inappropriate comments, Franziska seeks a conversation and talks openly with her about her sexuality: “I could tell her: That’s nothing for which you have to feel sorry for me or my boyfriend. That’s easy, as I am – and with my mother now I have the feeling that it’s good and that she has learned that.”
“You’re asexual, do you masturbate or something?”
Nina and Franziska often encounter unbridled “curiosity” when they address their sexuality to others. Sometimes they have to answer questions for half an hour. The two Ace women don’t think that’s a bad thing in itself: “I even think it’s great when people just really want to know what it’s like to be asexual,” says Nina – Franziska sees it a little differently and adds : “Obviously that’s not the kind of normality I’d wish for. Of course it would be cool to say, ‘Hey, I’m Ace.’ – and to get the answer: ‘Cool, okay.’ And just get on with the conversation.”
Sometimes the very first words of strangers are beyond inappropriate. The question: “You’re asexual, do you also masturbate or something?” Nina was even asked when dating. She herself is very relaxed when it comes to such conversations, she says. Others, however, might be uncomfortable with intimate questions like these—after all, most allosexual people would certainly be the same when they first meet. Who is asked on the first date how masturbating works?
“Sometimes I think to myself: Okay. How about a hi or something?'” The 21-year-old explains. Asexuals are generally not there to play the personal encyclopedia of intimacy on the spectrum for others. So both would think it would be nice if things were different more often and people were more open to other sexualities. According to the motto: “Be open to the information that we give you, but also be open to informing yourself. Because there is a lot of information on the subject,” summarizes Franziska.
A circle of friends who accept them as they are
Experiences like this have made the two women more cautious when dealing with new people. Therefore, when it comes to socializing, they are more likely to be out and about in the LGBTIQ+ community, where many people are more open about their sexuality. But even in queer clubs, they meet with some resistance, since not everyone there accepts the lack of desire for sex as part of their own identity.
In the meantime, however, it has become easier to assess strangers, explains Nina: “I have to say that acceptance has become more visible to me over time. I consciously choose people who I can be sure will not judge me, when I tell them I’m Ace.” Basically, it’s about accepting people as they are and not projecting your own needs onto others. After all, for Nina and Franziska it’s perfectly OK that theirs Friends have sex and they don’t try to convince them that other things are nicer, better or essential – whether they see it that way or not They accept the allosexual, pansexual or aromantic expressions in their circle of friends, without judging their way of life.
Support doesn’t have to be a big deal
In general, Nina and Franziska would like people on the asexual spectrum to be accepted. Because to show support, people don’t have to make big speeches at the CSD, says Nina. Instead, a noticeable area of acceptance is usually enough and fortunately she has been able to experience this often in recent years. With her partner, but also among friends. If you want to have sex, you can have it and if you don’t, you can’t. In general, however, it is important to show support to people in the community and also to other queer people, according to the 21-year-old. Not only at events, but also in everyday life, people should therefore actively campaign for equality and against intolerance and hatred of queers.
Talking about sex – yes or no?
Nina and Franziska like to talk to their friends about their sex lives. They are interested in the topic, are happy for the others that they enjoy sex and include them in their experiences. Sometimes the two asexual women even inform themselves about the topic, simply out of sheer interest.
But that’s not the case for all asexuals. Some Aces don’t like to talk about sex and don’t engage in sexual activity at all, others will occasionally engage in sexual activity for their partner to please them, and still others don’t have sex but do enjoy it Fetish they enjoy. Because the asexual spectrum is incredibly diverse and not every Ace person is the same.
More openness instead of old values
Many people only see their own sexual identity and do not concern themselves with the sexualities of others. Allosexuality in particular is the norm for many and what they also expect from others. Nina hopes that society will improve in this regard in the coming years: “In general, what I wish for in the future is that asexual people are treated like human beings and are not restricted or viewed as something inferior just because they don’t have one want,” she explains. Franziska can only agree. Her appeal to allosexual people is: “Stay curious and open to new things. Because we can only be accepted in society if society is willing to deal with us.” More openness, more enlightenment and more normalization of “being different” is what they wish for – and what would probably do many people in the world who don’t understand or feel understood be good.
Sources used: Aktivista, Asexuality.org, Funk