Azélia, a young trans woman, testifies

Wednesday December 16, 2020, Fouad, a 17-year-old trans high school student, committed suicide. A few days earlier, the administration of her establishment, Lycée Fénelon in Lille, refused to allow her to enter class because she was wearing a skirt. In a video shot by Fouad and posted on social media, a high school administration official is heard lecturing her about her choice of dress, claiming that it could offend her classmates. And Fouad, obviously very touched, to explain that it was for others to change, not for her.

Fouad's suicide inevitably recalls that of Doona, a psychology student at the University of Montpellier, who was killed on September 23, 2020. A death whose origin, according to his relatives, was precariousness, calls for help not heard by the university and the CROUS, but also, constant transphobia. French society lags far behind when it comes to respect for the fundamental rights of trans people in general, and young people in particular, the family and educational spheres too often being the framework of violence: mégenrage (the fact of not using the gender in which the person concerned lives), bullying, humiliation, even assault …

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Yet some trans youth do better through this period before they enter adulthood. This is the case with Azelia, who tells the story of these stages that allowed her to live more calmly today, as well as the techniques she had to put in place to avoid exposing herself to the worst.

Me, Azélia, student and young trans woman

I'm 26 years old, my name is Azelia and I'm a digital marketing and communications student. I managed to find a work-study program so I will be able to continue working in the fashion industry. I live with my parents in the suburbs. A classic young woman's life. Maybe that's why when I learned of Fouad's suicide, I received an electric shock. I decided to speak up, although so far I have preferred to keep a low profile.

It was this choice to stay in the dark, among other things, that saved me from what many young trans women are going through. Of course, there is also a huge amount of luck, of which I am more and more aware. First of all, I have a "feminine" physique: fine facial features, which are perceived as those of a cisgender woman. It allows me to have a good "passing", that is to say, I "pass" for a cis woman while other trans women will conform less to gender stereotypes. They will suddenly encounter more difficulties, more violence on a daily basis.

I also made my transition in stages. I think it's related to the lack of representations around me: when I was a teenager, there were no trans icons like we see today, like actress Laverne Cox, from Orange is the New Black. The trans women I saw on the screen were drugged, prostituted … So I couldn't identify with her and say "I'm trans too". Things fell into place later, little by little.

Survival strategies

When I was a kid, I liked "girl stuff". It started to be a problem in school from CP-CE1, when people expect you to be "clearly" a boy or a girl. So I pretended. I had felt it was mandatory to avoid mockery. It went on for a large part of my life: I had survival strategies in place so that I wouldn't have any problems. It took a lot of observation. In college, for example, I was in boarding school and watched how guys acted to duplicate their behavior. I also have a big cousin who was in the same boarding school. I was cool, funny… He started to like me a lot and we finally became very close. He was popular, it protected me.

Still in college, I had a gay best friend who assumed his very "feminine" style: perfume, varnish, long hair… We hung out all the time together and we dressed in "women's" clothes, but only at my place. or at home, on weekends. I only hung out with cool people, I was liked so I didn't have a problem with other people. I had repartee and I was fun, too. It helped when some people tried to laugh because "I looked gay" or something.

The older I got, the more we "took" for a girl, even dressed "as a boy". Around 19-20 years old, I had a "feminine" voice, piercings in my ears … It bothered me especially around my father, but I found excuses for my education. I am a Christian and love boys; as I was seen as a boy myself, it was the height of sin. So I told myself that if I was a girl, God would accept it better … In short, I was doing my reasoning to help me take the plunge.

At the time, I went out to clubs a lot. One night I met a woman who I really hooked up with. We looked alike … She was mixed race, like me, we used the same vocabulary, expressions that come from queer and African-American culture … I was already dressed androgynous, makeup, long hair. She said "I love your look". During the evening, we met in the smoking room. This is where she explained to me: "I know your secret. You're like me, but before". She too was assigned a boy at birth. She was pretty, she looked "normal" … I thought to myself "In fact, it is possible. I can do it". From there, for me, the transition was easy. From there, for me, the transition was easy. Through support sites for trans people, I found the right people to go to, the trans-friendly doctors. I was of age, I was able to go to a psychiatrist, then an endocrinologist, to obtain the medical prescriptions, the hormonal treatments … From the moment you take the drugs, you see your body which changes little by little . It was like a revelation, but also, a second puberty … From the moment you take the drugs, you see your body changing little by little. It was like a revelation. Then I had to tell my parents things. My sister helped me a lot to prepare the ground, she defended me and it ended up passing, even though I still had great scenes of tears and dramas and it remains complicated for my father today. As you can see, it all happened gradually. This is what saved me from violence and this is the message I would like to pass on to other trans women.

How to make your transition in a transphobic society?

Each trans person has their own life. Me, I was lucky to meet some people, like this CPE from college who loved me very much and who took me under his wing. It's as if without knowing, he knows. I realize in hindsight how important this has been in my life. I also received support from the fashion school where I graduated from and where I was able to be myself. There, I started to stop "blowing" my voice in public, realizing that the teachers respected me for who I am. When I explained that I was trans, I was received by the administration but not to ask questions: to support me, especially in administrative matters and in respecting my change of first name.

I also know that I live in Île-de-France. That I work in the fashion industry. That not everyone has the opportunity to take the steps one after the other. I am aware of all of this. But I would like to tell the teens who read me that life does not turn out like in the series or on Instagram, where we see, and that's very good, more and more young trans people coming out and coming out. rather calm transition. But these are specific cases. The reality is that our society remains very violent; we must not make you believe otherwise.

For my part, I remain very vigilant, especially in my private life: I know that this might be the reaction of a cis man if he finds out that I am trans. So far, I believe God has protected me. And I decide to speak for all those who think of coming out: protect yourself. But you're not alone, other trans women will be there for you.

Testimony collected by Coline CM