When you decide to have a child, you are initially not really aware of what you are actually getting into. Or maybe it is, but how exactly it feels in the respective situation, you can't really know beforehand. Added to this is the discrepancy between your own expectations of how you want to react in certain situations and the harsh, honest reality. Being a parent also means making mistakes, it is only important that we learn from them and try to understand the world from the children's perspective. Knowing the needs of children and some of the basics of child development can save you from the greatest educational mistakes. And that's exactly what Hedvig Montgomery's bestseller "The Hedvig Formula for a Happy Family" is about.
The first year of life: letting it scream is good for the development of the lungs?
Even if especially grandma and great-grandma believe that they have eaten the baby wisdom with spoons, a baby does not have to be able to fall asleep alone, nor is crying good for the lungs. An infant does not have to accept no and certainly does not have to be self-employed. The only thing that is important in this first year of life is to learn that the world is a safe place and mom is always there. Because only out of this basic trust can a satisfied baby develop that learns to calm itself down and to contact you. Body contact, rituals and a lot of closeness are the most important things for the little ones.
1-3 years: The little goat drives everyone crazy
The good news first: All parents have to go through the defiance phase. So you're not the only one struggling with a rebellious child. Only some are hit harder than others, there is nothing to gloss over. The no is suddenly simply ignored or acknowledged with a screaming fit. Nevertheless, your child is neither particularly difficult nor are the first symptoms of ADHD. Like so much in children's life, it is a phase. What helps? Take a deep breath and always keep in mind: At some point, with strong will, gold is worth it, so don't break it. Your child does not fight this against you, but rather needs your understanding and security as rigor and coercion.
3-5 years: Caterpillars are very sleepy
The situation relaxes, but most children still need help to calm down and fall asleep. Rhythm, rituals and continuity help structure the exciting day of a four or five year old child and give it a framework. At the same time, it is now all the more important to start a conversation and to exchange interests. With all the exciting things that hit our kids every day, it's no wonder that they want to eat all day long. After all, this workload requires energy.
6-8 years: dress warmly – a foretaste of puberty
School is coming up. A big change for children, which is connected with strong and deep emotions and that makes them restless and distracted. Your understanding is all the more important now
"During this time, the children's thinking patterns are laid – do they become optimists or pessimists? Optimism develops when children are allowed to try things out and make mistakes and thus encounter understanding and encouragement from one another – and one laughs with each other. It is rarely the case important to laugh like now! " writes the educational expert from Norway.
9-12 years: Independent and sheltered
They are getting really big and independent. They want to go somewhere alone, cook food alone, be at home alone and probably plan to move out now and then. To be grown up at last. Well, they just don't know what all of this means. On the one hand that's great, on the other hand as a mom you will look a little wistfully behind your cool kids. Even if it makes sense to expand the radius of independence bit by bit, even the almost big kids need a safe home in which they feel safe and protected. Acceptance and belonging are what children of this age need more than criticism that only hurts the soul in times of change.
13-17 years: buckled up! Now it's going well
Puberty. Not nice, but it definitely comes. Inevitable. And it is important, the time of the umbilical cord. The brain is completely reprogrammed and this demands a lot from the teenagers. Forgetful, chaotic, fearful, rebellious, angry, aggressive – and all at the same time. It is all the more important now that someone who can endure this together with them, takes a close look at the feelings and stays by their side even in difficult times. The worst thing parents can do at this time is to lose touch with their children. To prevent this from happening, it is important to spend time together – perhaps with a cup of tea or a short walk. So the insecure teen becomes a balanced twen.
Hedvig Montgomery, born in 1968, is a psychologist and family therapist with more than two decades of experience. In addition to her work as a family therapist, she holds seminars, including for FamLab. The best-selling author brings her knowledge and experience to the point in her educational series "The Hedvig Formula", which is based on five volumes. The author lives in Oslo.