Blame shifting
That’s how you know it
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Are you always blamed for everything in your relationship? Then your counterpart is probably a talented blame shifter. You can find out how to recognize this here.
Mishaps happen to every person once, it’s part of human activity. Of course, there are more pleasant things than admitting yourself to a mistake. But taking responsibility for your own actions and apologizing for these actions is extremely important: It strengthens our personality – we can learn from mistakes. Blame shifters, however, take the opposite approach. They always look for the problem in other people. Such behavior is particularly toxic to a relationship.
That’s behind blame-shifting
Blame-shifting means shifting blame in German. A blame shifter often lacks emotional maturity, which is why he take no responsibility for his words or actions can and instead reacts defensively. This person basically makes himself a victim and projects their guilt onto others.
Blame shifters are often Narcissistic people. They cannot admit their mistakes because they are theirs not admitting your own imperfection want. Hence, the debt shift acts as a defense mechanism. The result is a highly manipulative behavior, which hurts the partner of the blame shifter enormously. They tell you that this or that wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t provoked it. This is how the narcissistic person distracts from his own shortcomings. And if you believe him, it is also a nice confirmation for him to always be right and to show his superiority.
Blame-shifting: Three common scenarios
In a relationship in particular, there are typical behaviors or tactics that a blame shifter displays. If a disagreement or argument takes one of these courses, then you know you are dealing with a blame shifter:
- You tell the other person that you are angry with them. That hurts his feelings (apparently) so much that you will finally comfort himinstead of you worrying about the real problem.
- You tell your partner that you are upset, but he * she is directs the focus to the way you confronted him * herso that the real problem takes a back seat.
- If you get upset about the person you’re talking to, he’ll respond to something you’ve done and say, that you owe him an apology. What you allegedly or actually did wrong does not have to have anything to do with the current dispute.
These are all effective ways to derail any constructive or healing conversation. As a result, sensible communication is not possiblewhich, however, should be part of a healthy relationship. People who cannot deal with the hurt feelings of their counterpart or who cannot tolerate them at all are not loving partners. Blame-shifting is destructive behavior and not a solution to a relationship.
Blame shifting – what to do?
If you find yourself exposed to blame shifting in your relationship, you shouldn’t put up with it. For it can damage your self-esteem and your psyche, if you internalize the blame shift: You keep blaming yourself, you are sure that everything that goes wrong in your life is your own fault. You feel powerless and may even develop fear of making decisions. After all, from the point of view of your counterpart, this could once again be a “mistake”.
But how do I deal with blame shifting? So that the shift of guilt does not get stuck in your relationship and in the worst case causes distrust and resentment, you can talk to your counterpart respond to the behavior. Is he * she even aware of this? If not, chances are he * she will want to change behavior.
Shifting blame: Don’t just give in
Also try during an argument bring the conversation back to the real topic. For example: “I’m happy to discuss the way I brought the subject up, but first we need to talk about your behavior.” Help the other person to recognize their role in the situation by clear, non-threatening observations of what happened do. As soon as a blame shifter realizes that you are not taking the bait and pouring more fuel into the fire with emotions, he will stop projecting his own bad feelings onto you.
If your partner keeps blocking your attempts and insisting that you are guilty, it may be time to seek professional help – or reconsider the relationship. Because behavior like this ensures that problems are never solved.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, psychcentral.com, athomestead.net, bonobology.com