Borderline: Jennifer’s life was supposed to end on the day of her high school graduation

Jennifer Wrona’s life should end on the day of her high school graduation. Today she is 26 years old. At the age of 16, the student was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Two hospital stays and several outpatient therapy hours later, she wrote a book about her mental illness called “Confetti in the head”. In the “Mental Talk” interview, she now talks about the darkest phases in her life. It wants to educate people, get rid of prejudices and be an advisor for other people affected.

Why did she go public with her mental illness? “It was all more of a coincidence,” she said in an interview. At that time she spontaneously took part in the report “The Question”. The YouTube video has now been viewed almost a million times. An amazing number! Jennifer noticed how great the need to talk was. With her story, she now wants to help remove the taboo on borderline personality disorder.

“Some therapists generally do not want to treat borderline sufferers”

Mentally ill people are often accused of just wanting attention. What other prejudices did you encounter?
I’ve heard many times that borderline victims are manipulative, unstable monsters that are best not bothered with. Of course that’s not true. Some psychotherapists did not even want to treat borderline sufferers because they were too complicated and exhausting.

I was turned away because of that. So my main motivation for the book was to educate people about the personality disorder. There are far too few books for those affected, mostly only guides for relatives.

How was it for you to be diagnosed at the age of 16?
It was devastating to hear that this should now be my life. At some point I was relieved that there was an explanation for my feelings that I couldn’t put into words. First I identified myself with the diagnosis, but then I got rid of it, because the disease is not my identity, but I am myself.

Jennifer was sure she would be dead after graduating from high school

In the 2017 report “The Question” you said that you were pretty sure you would be dead after graduating from high school. How so?
I felt so bad at the time that I was mostly occupied with getting through the day. Anything further in the future than the Abitur was therefore unimaginable for me. The Abitur was a specific goal because I was forced to go to school and obsessed with getting good grades.

But that’s awesome, because actually you didn’t have to be good anymore …
Yes, and actually you don’t have to take a high school diploma anymore. But that’s exactly the point. I don’t think anyone wants to die on principle. I also believe that even if you are severely suicidal like I was, there is always something to cling to. For me it was the hope of getting better – maybe up to graduation.

Then you were in inpatient therapy and luckily you are still there today. How was it for you to approach your professional life that you hadn’t actually planned at all?
I think it’s very good that you ask that because it is rarely discussed. After graduating from high school, it felt very lonely because there was no one who could understand me. I asked myself: Why am I still here now? Now I have to occupy myself somehow. I was in a fix and it was very difficult for me to take it. I had to see what I would like to do with my life.

I first worked for a while, lived in a shared apartment and needed money. I was missing a goal (like my Abitur) and a regular everyday life. That was not conducive to my emotional instability. During my second stay in the clinic, I dealt intensively with my future life. I then decided to study media and moved away from home. That was a good move.

“Borderliners are often terrified of being alone”

Back to the borderline illness: How would you explain it to outsiders?
That is always the hardest question because it is an insanely complex disease. That’s why I think there are so many prejudices. The three key points of emotionally unstable personality disorder (as it is correctly called) are: emotional instability, the chronic feeling of emptiness and the fear of being abandoned. It is assumed that those affected were not taught or learned about the closeness-distance relationship in their childhood. As a result, they are often terrified of being alone later. Those affected often try to fill the great inner emptiness through self-harming behavior such as cracks, eating disorders or depression.

Would you say that the disease expresses itself in the same way for you?
In any case, my emotional regulation was absolutely disturbed. For me there were only ever two extremes. Either everything I felt was intense and exhausting. I reacted violently to trivial little things. And suddenly I felt the exact opposite: an inner emptiness. I could hardly move and lay in bed for days – a kind of loss of control set in. To counteract this and regain control, I injured myself and developed an eating disorder.

The hospital stay saved Jennifer’s life

In your book you write aptly: “The hardest path is the path through pain, but it is also the path that leads to warmth.” How did you manage to overcome your emotional low?
There was never only one way. My healing was characterized by a lot of talk therapy and two hospital stays (as a teenager and before starting her studies, note d. Red.). It was important to be honest with myself, not to turn a blind eye to the disease, but to acknowledge it and face it. I was only able to do this through a lot of talk therapy and because I fully trusted my therapist.

Looking back, how do you think about your hospital stays? Were you the right decision?
My first stay at the clinic definitely saved my life. The two inpatient therapies were absolutely necessary because I was feeling so bad. No matter what mental illness you have: It is often very helpful to be completely torn out of your everyday environment in order to be able to break through the pathological patterns in the first place.

But a psychiatric ward is not a place where you are locked up and pumped full of medication. It is your responsibility and your active participation to determine how successful the inpatient therapy is. But if you are ready for it and get involved, it can help you a lot.

What strategies have you developed for yourself to cope better with the disease?
I’ve learned that nothing can work in my life if I don’t meet my basic needs. I pay close attention to my sleep rhythm and that I eat healthy regularly. I have to face my body in a loving and non-destructive way. I can only do that if I have enough strength. There is nothing wrong with taking medication if it helps. This also has something to do with self-care.

“I am often afraid that it will get worse again”

Are you afraid that you might feel so bad again?
I am often afraid that it will get worse again. But mostly because I’ve worked so hard to get better. My therapist told me that everything I have achieved so far is not collapsing like a house of cards. I have laid a foundation and can no longer fall back that far. That gives me security.

That is very nice. How are you today?
I am now resilient. The fear of being abandoned is deeply anchored in me and I still have a lack of object permanence, i.e. the feeling when a person is not physically present that they are no longer part of my life. But now I can handle it quite well. This is due to the years of therapy and the positive experiences that I have gained. So it is very worthwhile to stay tuned and get through bad phases.

Sources used: own interview

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