Vanessa Eichholz lost her mother to breast cancer. As part of Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October, we talk to her about grief and how her view of the disease changed.
“Cancer can be very brutal,” tells us Vanessa Eichholz, who is known from series such as “Lost in Space” and “Herzogpark”. Her mother first developed breast cancer when Vanessa was 13 years old. As a teenager, it was difficult for her to correctly categorize the disease – she initially didn’t know that her mother had undergone chemotherapy.
After her mother’s breast cancer initially seemed to be overcome, it unexpectedly returned after 15 years – this time more aggressively than the first time. Vanessa had now moved to the USA to pursue her acting and presenting career. She canceled all jobs for her mother and came back to Munich. According to the actress, she looked after her mother full time – from morning to evening. “At that time I can really say that I gave it my all.” Her mother died of breast cancer in 2017.
Breast Cancer Month: Interview with Vanessa Eichholz
Brigitte: Your mother was diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time when you were 13 years old. How did she tell you?
Vanessa Eichholz: We went for a walk, just her and me. She said that she went to the doctor and a lump was found, that she needed surgery and that it could be cancer. However, she didn’t tell me back then that she also had to undergo chemotherapy.
How did you deal with that?
The surgery itself wasn’t a big deal, she didn’t have her breast removed, but rather a lump and a few lymph nodes were removed. I remember that I was actually in a pretty positive mood at the time and thought “She can do it!”, maybe because I was still young and naive. I can’t describe it at all, but I somehow had a good feeling in my stomach at the time.
How did you react when you found out she was also doing chemotherapy?
That was shocking news. You associate it directly with what you know from film and television. Chemo means bald, which means: My mom is really sick. So sick she might die. I was never aware of that before. Then I understood a little better what she was going through and had more compassion. That’s why it’s better to say something like this to children so that they understand. Otherwise it’s very difficult for them to grip, I think.
Vanessa Eichholz: “Sometimes it annoyed me too.”
Was your mother’s illness difficult for you to understand before?
I just noticed that she was always gone for hours on Fridays. Afterwards she always went straight to bed and didn’t come back until Saturday morning – then she didn’t feel well and often vomited. Until my sister told me that it was chemotherapy, I was never able to really understand what it was as a child. That annoyed me sometimes, I have to say – as nasty as it sounds, but as a teenager you’re not always just nice and empathetic. Sometimes I thought to myself: “Man, what’s wrong with her again?”
How did those around you at the time deal with your mother’s illness?
In any case, the wheat was separated from the chaff. So in relation to my parents’ friends. But she didn’t make too much of it, she was a very private person. For example, a few friends always drove her to appointments when my father couldn’t. Other people may be afraid of contact, which you can’t blame them for. But there was really only a small circle there for my mother and my parents.
“Every week there was different horror news”
To what extent has your view of the disease changed now that you are an adult?
It is always said that breast cancer is curable in 80 or 85 percent of cases. What I didn’t realize is that it will be very difficult if the illness comes back. Then the cancer often spreads and is even more aggressive. My mother’s breast cancer came back after 15 years.
What might the disease look like the second time?
Cancer can be very brutal. My mother ended up with two blood poisonings, shingles and tubes everywhere. Every week there was different horror news. When I talk about it, tears still well up in my eyes. The time was short but very intense.
What was it like for you dealing with grief after your mother died?
At the beginning it was incredibly difficult for me because my mother and I had a particularly close relationship and we were very similar. She was simply my absolute reference person. It was very difficult for me to lose this support that I can always call her, that she is always there for me. In the meantime I have converted the grief, but it took a long time. I have many moments where I just know that she would be proud of me right now or that she might be there somewhere – if there is still energy.
She advises families to get help
What advice would you give to someone whose mother has breast cancer and doesn’t know where to turn?
When my mother was in the final stages, I realized that we almost couldn’t manage it with four adults. The main problem is often that many people don’t even know that there are contact points. Unfortunately, a lot is missed and not properly informed in the clinics and by the doctors. Only the patients receive medical information there, which is good, but the relatives are completely left out. I would advise families to do their own research and get real help. You should be able to talk to someone about it; psychological help can also be very important.
Since 2019, Vanessa Eichholz has been an ambassador for the “Pink Kids”, a youth group from “Pink Ribbon Germany” that wants to raise awareness against breast cancer, and is the face of this year’s “Pinktober Campaign” from Hunkemöller.
How important is it to talk about breast cancer prevention?
It’s already being talked about quite openly, but there are still a lot of myths floating around: that you can only get cancer after you’re 50 or that screening is very painful because of mammography. But preventive care in itself is nothing difficult and it is better to go to the doctor too often than too little. Feeling yourself around a bit isn’t rocket science either. The most important thing, however, is not to freak out over every little bump – it often turns out afterwards that it is harmless.
You are an ambassador for the Pink Kids. Are the children’s stories an additional burden for you? How do you deal with it?
So I notice how it keeps hitting me. I actually have everything under control quite well and it’s been a few years since my mother died. But when you hear: “My mom is currently in the final stages” or “My mom just died,” it stirs up my memories a little again. Sometimes tears come to my eyes when I talk to the young people. But I also think it’s nice that I can help them with my own experiences and that we have such a great community.