BRIGITTE Diet 2022: BRIGITTE Balance Meditation

Letting go of expectations and making it clear to others what we want – is not that easy, but it changes so much! The psychologist Boris Bornemann explains how we do this.

Brigitte: Why do we have such high demands on ourselves all the time?

Boris Bornemann: It’s a bit in our nature. We strive for something, and that’s a good thing because it motivates us. What makes things complicated: We live in a time when performance is very important and we have to constantly compare and market ourselves socially. That increases the pressure. An English study from 2019 shows that perfectionism has increased in western societies in recent decades, and this is mainly due to the increased competitive orientation.

What does it do to us?

We are under tension. In the long run, this can make you sick: Studies show that perfectionism is associated with depression, anorexia, increased blood pressure, uncomfortable feelings due to stress, and even physical illness and earlier death.

Does perfectionism work differently for women than it does for men?

Interestingly, yes. Often male perfectionists focus on one dimension, for example work, and neglect that there are other areas in life. Women, on the other hand, are often generalized perfectionists, as the demands relate to different things: family, job, partnership and hobbies. Men can still hold on to the fact that it is enough to be professionally successful and to support the family.

Traditionally, women are required to run the household, look after children and social life. In addition, there is now also the expectation of realizing yourself professionally. In a way, women are more demanding than men.

It’s actually good when I ask a lot of myself. Or not?

There is a healthy and an unhealthy perfectionism. The healthy is found in people who are very conscientious – this is the conclusion of a Canadian study. They want to do things as well as they can, strive for perfection. You can also have a vision or enjoy your work. Unhealthy perfectionism, on the other hand, is found in people with low self-esteem. For them, the driving force is often the fear of making mistakes, of failure.

They believe that they are only worth something if they achieve something special. Then they work longer than necessary and just can’t finish because it doesn’t seem good enough to them. Or they are blocked from the start and are none of your business. Often the goal is set so high that all attempts seem unsatisfactory. Here it helps to take a step back and realize that there is no such thing as an objective perfect. But only our own standards, our assessment of what is good for us – or good enough. This realization is very empowering.

How do I find my personal level for “good enough”?

By thoroughly exploring my own values ​​and needs. For example through meditation: I sit down, close my eyes and feel myself – my body, my breath. That brings me into contact with feelings. Then I realize: What are the needs behind unpleasant feelings such as shame, fear and a guilty conscience that arise when I have not met my requirements? Which values ​​mean a lot to me? And what do I do to please others?

For example: Do I really want to lose weight and do more sport in order to be healthy and feel good – or do I just want to meet the social ideal or the wishes of my partner? When I do this more often, I see what is important to me and what is good for me. I can develop my own yardstick for when something is enough for me. Feeling the body in meditation also helps us for another reason: The body is simply there, with all its living sensations. When we feel it, we learn to accept reality as it is. We let ourselves be less dominated by thoughts about what should be different, better, and better. We rest in the here and now.

What else can help to take pressure out of everyday life?

To accept that every step towards connection, love and lightness is good – even if there is always more. Try to compare yourself rather than others, following the motto: How can I improve? Instead of: How do I manage to be as good as those over there? Learning to give things up and say no in a respectful but appreciative way. For example: “I like you and would like to help you, but unfortunately I have no capacity.” And: appreciate the progress in the right direction, even if it is small.

Experts say 80 percent are the new perfect. Really now?

This goes back to the Pareto principle, which says: When we do a task, we often achieve 80 percent of the result in the first 20 percent of the working time. We then spend the rest of the time, i.e. 80 percent, bringing the result from 80 percent to 100 percent. So we work on the last 20 percent for a long time. We can wonder if it’s really worth it. It is often helpful to let go when the result is good enough instead of polishing everything down to the last detail. We can use the time that is left to do other things. Or of course to just relax.

How do I know my limit before I feel overwhelmed?

Here, too, the body helps us. In it we can feel: How much energy do I have right now? Do I still enjoy things or do I just deliver? Physical signs can include tension in the neck or jaw and an inner restlessness. In order for us to feel good, it is important to be in touch with our needs. We can only set limits if we know them and feel them again and again.

If I fail: How do I get along well with it?

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never discovered anything,” said Albert Einstein. Inventions like penicillin or LSD, for example, were accidental discoveries that would never have happened if the laboratories hadn’t worked a bit sloppily. Instead of judging ourselves when something does not work, we should rather look: Is this mistake perhaps even an opportunity? Can it be used creatively?

If we do not recognize this, we can ask: What do I learn from the mistake about myself and the way I work? What can I do differently next time? Of course, it is also important to stand by the mistake and, if necessary, apologize to others for it. We should view failure as a normal human experience and treat ourselves kindly. After all, long judging ourselves for mistakes does not help anyone.

Dr. Boris Bornemann, 37, is a psychologist and neuroscientist (borisbornemann.de)

Slow down: Get out of the perfectionism trap

Boris Bornemann, voice of the meditation app “Balloon”, has developed ten free meditations on the subject of “I like myself imperfect” exclusively for BRIGITTE readers. They support you in letting go of expectations, better recognizing needs and better setting yourself apart. This is how it works: Simply register on the balloonapp.de website and select the “Unlock special” option in the user profile. Enter the activation code UNPERFEKT there, it can be redeemed until December 31, 2022. Then download the app, log in – and off you go! If you want, you can also get 50 percent off an annual Balloon subscription. The discount code is BRIGITTE50, redeemable at balloonapp.de/buy. You then only pay 3.33 euros per month.

Brigitte

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