Build trust after disappointment – 6 tips

We explain here what kind of trust is needed and how you can build trust again after a disappointment.

What actually is trust?

Trust is advertised in various areas of life, be it by employers, bank consultants or politicians. If we trust a party and its promises, are the financial products really profitable and does the employer mean well with us ?! Trust also plays a major role in partnerships and friendships, without which these relationships would be difficult to achieve. According to a study by the Canadian Western University, trust is one of the top 10 most important factors in a successful relationship.

But what is trust? There are different definitions of the term, e.g. B .:

  • According to Eric H. Erikson, trust is shaped in childhood ("basic trust") and depends on the quality of the mother-child relationship.
  • According to Jackson, trust is about reciprocity: one hopes that at some point the other will do something for you what you did for them.
  • According to Rotter, trust is the expectation of being able to rely on a promise.

Our trust is based on the one hand from past experiences (have there been many disappointments, is there no basic trust?), On the other hand it relates to the future. Because trusting carries a certain risk of being disappointed. Your own control and options for action are (voluntarily) restricted in relation to the other: "I trust you not to intentionally hurt myself." When we trust, we feel that we can rely on the other.

Jealousies, lies and infidelity often lead to a loss of trust. How can trust be built, in general and after an injury?

Building trust – 3 requirements

There is no how-to guide for trust. Every person and every relationship is unique. It's not about trusting everyone and everything unconditionally, it can backfire under certain circumstances. But there are a few prerequisites for healthy foreign trust.

1. Confidence

A basic requirement to trust others is self-awareness and self-confidence. To know yourself and to believe in yourself and your own abilities, strengthens us and promotes our own resilience, an important quality when dealing with crises.

You can find out here how you can strengthen your self-confidence.

2. Patience

Trust cannot simply be turned on, it arises over time. If promises are broken over and over again or if a lot of lies are lied, mistrust will build up instead of trust. We realize that we are can rely on one person – even in crisis situations – trust is strengthened.

3. Be open

Hiding appointments, keeping important things to yourself or constant secrecy? Sooner or later your partner or friend will wonder what and why you are hiding something. Nobody values ​​lies and deceit. So you better be open and honest and ask yourself why you think about certain things that you cannot discuss them with your partner or friend. Maybe the person reacts very differently than you imagine.

6 tips for trusting after cheating and lying

Of course, there is no magic formula for rebuilding trust after cheating. That the betrayed is initially suspicious is certainly not surprising and the other has to be able to endure that. You have been cheated on, how can you now build trust in your partner again?

1. Allow feelings

Suppressing negative feelings over the long term can make you sick. Do not eat your anger, your sadness, etc. into yourself. Couples therapist Oskar Holzberg advises allowing hurt feelings and accepting them as appropriate and inevitable.

2. Talk to each other

It's difficult at the beginning, maybe you don't even want to see the other person at first and that's perfectly fine. When you are ready, you should speak openly and directly with your loved ones about the breach of trust. This will probably be more than a conversation …

3. Take your time

Talk about it once and now everything should be forgotten? A breach of trust will probably not be overcome that quickly. Take the time to grapple with the topic and understand your feelings and the relationship. And find out what you need and what you want.

4. Work on the relationship

Was there something that you or you were missing in the relationship before that encouraged an affair or an affair? Was there enough appreciation and attention for one another? Do you think your partner is sorry? Tries, To see through behavior patterns and vicious circles and break through. Even if you or you no longer want to maintain the previous relationship, you should find out for yourself and the coming partnership so as not to get caught in a new spiral.

5. Get out of the victim role

You have been betrayed and your feelings are important – as I said, take your time. It is just as important that you do not make yourself "comfortable" in the role of victim, because on this basis a relationship with your previous partner or with a new partner is not possible. You can also work on your self-esteem. Here you will find tips on how you can improve your self-esteem.

6. Have patience

As in the beginning in a relationship, the new trust has to grow again and takes time. There will never be security, not even in a new relationship. Have patience with you and yourself. Trust and love need courage.

Love, sex, relationship problems: The couple therapist couple Claudia Clasen-Holzberg and Oskar Holzberg speak openly about all topics in their Paaradox podcast.

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