Most of those who come to us want us to save their relationship. And we are surprised when we take a closer look and advise you to let go of each other – with the aim of becoming happy with each other again. The men are usually happy too early and think: "Great, I can continue to ride as a Marlboro man in my freedom and independence and limit my emotional communication to Morse codes." The women are initially disappointed and wonder whether they will infiltrate us in their efforts for more closeness and love and may have completely misunderstood our work. Anyone who knows us knows that we actually don't rush people to separate. We believe that there shouldn't be a lot of divorces if we had a better idea of how love actually works and why crises are important for a partnership.
My dream would therefore be relationship happiness as a school subject or at least a "driver's license" for marriage.
If I were allowed to exhibit it, I would have people drumming up seemingly paradoxes in rows. About: "Divorce rarely solves my relationship problem." Or: "A crisis is one of the most precious phases in a partnership." Or: "The magic word for love is No." Or – very, very important: "If we want to be really happy again, then we should break up the relationship and only take care of ourselves."
It is as follows: The way of love leads inwards. And are I asked the all-important question – go or stay? – I can only say from experience and conviction: neither nor. Walking or staying is usually as good or bad as holding out or getting away. Neither leads to fulfillment with another person. If you really want to influence the happiness of the relationship and find a way out of a cul-de-sac, you first have to go inside at a diving station. In other words: switch from the screen to the hard drive and update it there.
The problem is our imprints, fears and beliefs about closeness and feelings.
In fact, all of our attachment behavior is significantly shaped in the belly of our mothers and in the first three years of life. And largely through what people around us believed about love and how they were able to deal with feelings – or not. For today's happiness in relationships, this means that we largely run on software from others. In the crucial imprinting phase, we simply inhaled what was going on in the family and the immediate environment in terms of feelings and partnership. This has provided programming in our hearts and continues to affect every emotional decision and encounter, mostly without us even being aware of it.
So most of us love autopilot based on our experience. And that is why you may be watching helplessly for the umpteenth time as five percent of the heart languishes and hopes for a fulfilling relationship, while the remaining 95 percent are afraid of being too close, afraid of being abandoned or doubting themselves – and therefore prefer to hide rather than get involved. Or how someone rejects you in the same familiar way, mistreated or doesn't understand you, and you still choose to stay instead of walking and taking care of yourself.
And now? Neither go nor stay, but: clean up the hard drive.
And it is neither a question of blaming parents and first relationship teachers from childhood, nor to undertake 500 years of self-analysis. Cleaning up means taking care of love in your own life and looking honestly at how much you are not ready for love without knowing it. And now. Relationship is not a supermarket, it grows from what I give and not from what I need. The way I treat myself, others treat me. The result is that if I change, the relationships around me also change. But how can you find out which unconscious relationship killer beliefs and love defense programs you have?
It's simple, but still a challenge: You look around in (love) life at this moment. Whatever is going on – it reflects what your own inner 95 percent believe, even if you consciously long for something else. This seemingly twisted view from the inside out instead of the outside in can cause a lot of resistance or at least a knot in the head. Then it means: "My partner is cheating. We have had no clever sex for years. We lack any closeness. And now I should only deal with myself ?!" Yes, please! Because what you believe about love and your own kindness will reflect everyone else around you. Therefore, a separation is often only a postponement of the real problem – the love virus on your hard drive. If you crack this and clean up yourself, the rest will have to show up on the outside. Conversely, everything you try outside will not bear fruit if nothing changes inside.
"Make me happy!" – it does not work.
The hope that the other person can make you feel safe and secure, loved and understood only makes you yourself a junkie and the other a drug. Even holding still, clinging or wailing does not bring the desired proximity – on the contrary, it only pushes the other away. And cheating and hoping for great liberation? Activates the usual patterns and imprints at the latest when the new partner becomes everyday life. So divorce after all? I know countless people who have built ever increasing protective walls against old injuries from divorce to divorce.
The only way to a fulfilling partnership is therefore: gather all courage, let go of the partner and explore yourself.
You can do that if you look in the mirror in the morning: are you excited about the person you see there, do you at least feel a little warm for him? Do you go the way of others or do you dare your dreams? When the heart or body give soft signals and say: "Hey, it is not good for us", do you follow that? Do you set limits on others to take care of yourself? Are you a good lover yourself? Or at least a really reliable friend?
If not, you should let go. From all struggles for the relationship, from all searches out there, from clinging or raising the partner – and learning what my husband and I call inner work. You need time for yourself and regular mindfulness and everyday meditation training that takes you inside to your hard drive. Such self-coaching is not rocket science. Through guided listening exercises, for example, you can quietly free yourself from old injuries, blocking imprints, unforgiveness, fear of attachment, self-doubt and constant stress – provided you really take time for this rendezvous with yourself. And provided you bring the courage with you it takes to gradually let go of unhealthy relationship patterns and old dependencies in everyday life.
Although we would be at the beginning again, because of this reason we often advise couples to (temporarily) separate.
This does not mean that everyone dives down and settles in their comfort zone. Rather, it is a fundamental letting go of each other with a separation of table and bed, in which everyone brings their own life back into power and clarifies their part of the inner software problems: "In which areas do I not live the way I want? Where do I lose strength? What do I have to change in the relationship with myself to feel better? What is stressful for me?"
When you come into contact with your inner self more and more, old beliefs and patterns can give way to new authenticity. You find yourself again and learn not to follow external ideals or the demands of others. Sometimes this also results in a very clear decision of the heart, which means: "I have to separate if I want to be true to myself." But often enough, a relationship mysteriously takes off again if you treat yourself to this training with self-love.
I have seen this countless times in my work and in my own marriage: Even if you do not say a word about your inner work, this transformation will not remain hidden from your partner. And without being able to explain it rationally, movement comes to a standstill. Suddenly the irreconcilability gives way, closeness begins again, the heart opens. With yourself and with the other. And you can feel that there is a secret in love – and that means staying with yourself.
Eva-Maria Zurhorst and her husband Wolfram are also successful authors, their current book is: "Love yourself and it doesn't matter who you marry. The great practical course, part 1" (352 p., 19.99 euros, Arkana)
Do you want more mindfulness in everyday life? You can find more articles on the subject here. -> mindfulness