Kerstin Andresen from Hamburg felt crushed by the closeness that her son demanded. She can understand why he needs so much physical contact – and is still glad that this time is over.
I remember the moment I had my son put on my chest for the first time. I am lying on a white couch with my upper body slightly raised. Next to me – in an incubator – my son, who is a little heavier than a bag of milk but smaller than a Baby-Born doll. He was born in the 28th week of pregnancy and will spend the first three months of his life in intensive care. The first few days after birth, he was so bad that I couldn't even hug him, but only touch it with my hand through a small window in the incubator.
When he is finally stable enough and a nurse puts it on my bare chest, I am indescribably happy. How much I wished for that moment. I hardly dare to move, speak or even breathe for fear that the little creature on my chest could fall down. So we sit there. For hours. And I enjoy the time very much.
"As soon as he realizes that I want to take him out of the towel, he screams until his face is deep red."
When my son is finally allowed to go home, he is still very cuddly and, to be honest, it is sometimes difficult to endure. I am a single parent and my child's need for closeness is so great that I can hardly fulfill it alone. My son roars all day and can only calm down if I wrap him tightly in the sling. There he falls asleep immediately. To take it off to take a shower alone? That is out of the question. As soon as he realizes that I want to take him out of the towel, he screams until his face is deep red. If I want to tie him on the back to shift the weight, he also roars. He is only calm when he lies on my chest or in a sling and hears my heartbeat.
"There were only the two of us together"
So from now on everything is done with a child in front of your stomach – from shopping to cleaning the house to daily personal hygiene. At night he sleeps with me in bed – preferably on my chest. The monitor that we saw to monitor the heart rate is right next to the bed and beeps several times at night, especially when my son is moving and the electrodes are loosening. It doesn't bother him much, but I wake up every time.
In the hot summer months I wish to be able to put him next to me at least for a while to cool off a bit. How great it would be if he would just fall asleep and get up and have a quick read or watch TV. Just half an hour. This phase lasted almost two years. It wasn't until my son learned to walk that he began to separate from me for minutes.
"Finally alone in the toilet again"
Today I know what it feels like to be crushed by a small, tender person. To give up on yourself at times. In the first few years, it wasn't me alone and not him alone, just the two of us together.
My son is now five and he still needs a lot of closeness. To fall asleep, he turns his back to me, cuddles up to me and sticks his feet between my legs. If he falls asleep, I can get up without him waking up. I can shower and shop by myself when he's in kindergarten. He is also rarely present in lectures. It was a tough time, but I'm glad we did it together.
This article originally appeared on Eltern.de.