It is common for children to want to please their dad and/or mom. In certain cases, the little one forgets himself, neglects his needs to be totally submissive to the desires of his beloved parents… A habit which ends up applying to all the individuals in his life, making him fall into the celebrity world. pleasant. Certain behaviors adopted during childhood show that he will be a people pleaser in adulthood.
In the eyes of his peers, the people pleaser is seen as a kind, altruistic person, full of empathy, who does good to others in an increasingly individualistic society today. His natural kindness, his developed emotional intelligence, his unparalleled generosity, allow him to easily understand his peers and adapt to them. But this apparently balanced behavior actually has a much less healthy aspect in the psyche, bordering on toxicity for the individual concerned… Because more than adapting to others, the latter will overadapt to the point of forgetting yourself. To satisfy their needs, he will sacrifice his own. In reality, his goodness comes from the fact thathe can’t set limits and to assert himself in the face of otherness: he steps aside and makes others a priority, for fear of disturbing, hurting, not being accepted, not being loved.
But it seems that this tendency to say “yes” to everything could be avoided from the youngest years… Indeed, as with many elements that form the basis of personality, people pleasing finds its roots in the childhood of the principal interested. The way he grew up, the standards that were instilled in him, the love that was transmitted to him, may or may not fuel this excessive tendency to neglect oneself for the benefit of others. Despite them, parents therefore have a responsibility in the people pleasing of the affected adult : before wanting to please others, the people pleaser was a child who wanted at all costs to please his beloved parents…
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The “pleasant parent” at the origin of people pleasing
It is therefore in the parent-child relationship, and more particularly in the parentpleasingthat we find the roots of people pleasing. In fact, the kid builds himself, bases his self-esteem And his relationship with others on the basis of parental expectations and the love he receives (or not) from these same parents. Since they constitute his first attachment figures, it is normal that he wants to impress them, satisfy them, please them.
However, this desire to make parents proud must be balanced and measured so as not to harm the child concerned. If the latter has the impression that he obtains their affection only if he meets all their conditions, if he satisfies 100% of their needs or if he perfectly matches their expectations, he will unconsciously associate his human value with the satisfaction of parental preferences. As they grow up, this limiting belief will apply to all their human relationships, tipping the healthy parent pleaser into the unhealthy people pleaser.
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“If the child deduces that his value is based on satisfying his parents’ preferences, such inner programming, once anchored, becomes for him a prerequisite for gaining acceptance from others. Not only does this cause him to lose touch with his own priorities, values and interests, but it also leads him to view himself as necessarily subordinate to the preferences of others”*explains psychologist Leon Seltzer.
If it is normal to practice parent pleasing, the practice becomes toxic when you completely neglect your needs, your opinions and your individuality to stick 100% to those of your beloved parents. The pleasant parent becomes people pleasant when “a parent’s happiness and/or approval becomes a priority over one’s own thoughts or feelings” of the child, explains a family therapist to our colleagues at HuffPost.*
If this process is psychological, internal, indescribable to the naked eye; according to specialists, certain harmless behaviors adopted by toddlers during childhood can portend people pleasing once they are older. Find out which ones to watch out for.
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Behaviors that indicate people pleasing
In the columns of HuffPostmental health experts give us the warning signs that indicate that the child will potentially be a people pleaser.
> There is a lot too organized for his age.
> He often tries toappease the emotions of one’s authority figures.
> When asked about what he likes, the brat is unable to describe his tastes and preferences.
> He often asks permission for anything and everything, from insignificant things to really important things.
> He forces himself to smile even though he doesn’t want to.
>He feels a kind of separation anxiety every time he has to leave his parents.
> He prefers to stay at home and do nothing rather than go out with his friends, practice an extracurricular activity and/or spend time with his peers. In some cases, this “homebody” side can be linked to more advanced social anxiety.
> He always volunteers to do tasks and/or chores that most children would want to avoid.
Freelance journalist
Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for human beings motivates her to write…