Lovesickness is like cold withdrawal, explains psychologist Guy Winch in his 2017 TED Talk. So it's no wonder that it feels as bad as it feels. But what exactly is happening to us? Is it all just chemistry in our head?
Breakups are the most traumatic experiences we have to go through in life after death. The loss of a person to whom not only love and memories are tied, but also shared dreams and future plans. It feels like a huge black, sad lump in the stomach that will never go away. Suddenly everything is set to zero. And it hurts. Lovesickness tears us apart, as we say so beautifully, because it feels the same, and it actually is. Scientific studies have shown that long-term partnerships create connected memories that form a common system that is now being torn apart.
Lovesickness and the search for methadone
When psychologist Guy Winch says the end of a relationship feels like being taken away from our drugs in a second, that means exactly that: it sucks and we have a choice between cold withdrawal or a substitute drug like Methadone to alleviate the withdrawal symptoms – figuratively only, of course. Biochemically, similar processes actually take place, as if we had to do without heroin. This, in turn, is because falling in love is an emotional process that, like falling out of love, causes chaos in the chemical balance of our head. Falling in love with someone is an emotional process that activates areas of the brain for connection and the desire to be with that person. The same happens with a separation. Interestingly, these are the same areas that are associated with physical pain – "It hurts so much" is therefore not just meant metaphorically.
Born to bond
We are programmed to bond as soon as we see the light of day. Otherwise we will die as babies. But also in the following years it is always about closeness, distance and bonding. However, when the connections are broken, we feel lonely, alone, and abandoned. Our body reacts to this pain by releasing stress hormones, which hit us in the stomach, cause loss of appetite and inner restlessness, basically the same symptoms as when we fall in love, only the other way around. The neural responses to romantic passion are the same in both cases. Pure stress.
How our brain cheats us
The curious thing: During the relationship, we tend not to idealize our partner. But after the separation, we like to put him or her on a pedestal on which you can present yourself flawlessly. The only thing is due to the reward system of our brain, which is waiting for its drugs. Our substitute drugs are the many great memories of past days together. That's why most of them automatically start stalking online, writing idiotic goodbye messages or desperately begging their ex to try again with us. And in retrospect, this is what we are really ashamed of, although the chemical chaos in our head is to blame for the fact that we either inflict pain or make ourselves apes. Caught? You are not alone.
The good comes at the end!
If you are in the middle of it, it hurts so much that you think it will never pass. It might even take a few months. BUT: This pain is part of the healing process! Various brain scans of people with lovesickness show that this is associated with an active prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that is related to personality, decisions and the planning of complex, cognitive behavior. And that in turn means that through lovesickness we grow and our personality develops. Without us noticing it, the chemicals in our heads are already working to change our behavior and bring all the overflowing emotions back into balance. So: cry and mourn as long as you need it, but trust that everything will be fine in the end!