Child Abuse – What Do We As Parents Need To Know About It?

We all know that there is child abuse. But because it is such an unimaginable crime, it still seems far away. From a statistical point of view, there is one affected child in every class or in every larger kindergarten group.

With every new report of child abuse, parents come up with the same questions: Could this happen to my child too? Should I really let it go to school alone? How can i protect it? What do I do if I suspect someone I know? We thought of sensitive questions for which there are no easy answers and therefore spoke to Vera Falck. She is the managing director of the Hamburger Verein Dunkelziffer e.V. and deals with this topic every day, because Dunkelziffer e.V. advises and looks after victims and their families.

Which cases are more common for you: The ones in which strangers assault children or abuse in the family or among friends?

Falck: If we take feedback and statistics from the police, lawyers, doctors, psychologists and other specialists who work with children and young people as a basis, experts assume that around 25 percent are so-called third-party perpetrators and around 75 percent of the perpetrators come from the close social environment of the children and young people affected. We can also confirm these percentages at Dunkelziffer e.V.

What does that mean in concrete terms? What is the relationship between the children and the people who do this to them?

75 percent of the perpetrators come from the close social environment of the children and young people concerned. This can be an uncle, the mother's partner, a sports trainer or a day-care center teacher. The decisive factor is usually that the child has confidence in the perpetrator or is in a dependent relationship, which makes it so difficult for the child to defend itself or to get help.

Is there such a thing as a typical perpetrator profile? How high is the percentage of women as perpetrators?

Unfortunately, there is no typical, uniform perpetrator profile. But especially in the case of prolonged and repeated sexual abuse of children, the perpetrators often act very manipulative towards the environment. That means: You can appear very adapted and friendly and enjoy a high reputation among colleagues, relatives and friends. This makes it so difficult for children to get help because no one believes them when they say something. They instinctively sense that the popularity of their tormentor makes it difficult to find allies; Furthermore, its popularity unsettles their own awareness of injustice. It is therefore very important to listen and watch and teach children at an early age that they can get help. Parents can give their children guidance and teach them, for example, should not get into other people's cars and should not accept gifts / sweets. But as I said, the perpetrators usually come from the immediate environment. The proportion of female perpetrators is estimated at 10-15 percent. As you can imagine, this has been a very big taboo subject so far and therefore also a dark field, i.e. it usually remains undetected.

What advice do you give to people who suspect but shy away from blaming someone they know well?

I advise anyone who suspects this to first seek advice from an institution such as Dunkelziffer. This can also be done anonymously or by email. The next steps and possible courses of action can be discussed in specialized advice centers. It is not advisable to start walking alone.

How do you answer those who say that children tell a lot, that one shouldn't believe everything?

It is important to keep in touch with the children. That literally means, on the one hand, not to break off contact with them out of insecurity, but it also means to keep talking. If you tell something unbelievable, still ask what you mean. That doesn't mean that every time the children make a statement, everything has to be done immediately. But listen and listen to what the child wants to tell you. We know from many of those affected that a child who has experienced sexual abuse sometimes had to turn to up to seven adults before he was believed! Of course, the perpetrators always want children to not tell anyone anything and put them under massive pressure. This often leads to children remaining silent for a long time, out of shame and fear that they will not be believed. Children should therefore be taught at an early stage that there are also people who do not mean well to them and they can talk about it at any time.

How do you avoid unjustified accusations?

As I said, you shouldn't go out alone and try to solve a case. Get advice from a counseling center, seek an exchange with colleagues and superiors. Above all, proceed calmly and step-by-step and remain open-minded about everything! A child may show abnormalities that make you think of sexual abuse, but there may be other distressing circumstances that lead to changed or abnormal behavior. Even then, the child needs appropriate help!

How do I recognize abuse in children, maybe even in my own child? Are there typical behaviors?

There is no clear “list of symptoms” for abuse. Rather, it is important to pay attention to whether your child or the child you are watching is basically doing well or not. Stay in contact with the child, do not leave them alone with their worries or pay attention to changes in behavior and address them. Possible symptoms can be sleep disorders, eating disorders, concentration disorders, fears, compulsions, distant and distant behavior, feelings of guilt and shame. It is important that parents perceive the changes in their child or a child who is close to them and seek a conversation with him to show him that you are there for his or her concerns and that the child is not alone. Often this is not done due to uncertainty about the topic. As already mentioned, it is important to remain open-minded, because there can be many things that may burden a child. In any case, help is needed if it shows behavioral problems. As I said, counseling centers can help of what kind that can be.

Why is it that family abuse is still so rarely exposed?

Experience has shown that it is very difficult for children to confide in someone because they do not even know what normalcy is, especially when there is abuse in the family. Especially in the case of prolonged abuse by a person of trust, it is possible that the offender persuaded the children early on that what happens to them is normal. Sometimes, for a long time, children have no language at all for what is happening to them and no reference point to get help. Of course, the partners of the perpetrators also get in the way of shame if they suspect something. That is fatal for the children.

Why does shame still play such a big role?

Unfortunately, sexual violence is still one of the major fringe issues in our society today, and one must first overcome the speechlessness and shame of talking about it, because many victims, paradoxically, often feel complicit in what happened. In any case, sexual abuse and sexuality are still a shame-laden topic. What is important is that adults put aside their shame about certain issues, including those related to children's sexual development. If you make it clear to children that there is normal sexual development (even in small children that has nothing to do with adult sexuality) then children learn what is right and good. They recognize sexual border transgressions faster themselves and can perhaps learn to name them. It is helpful if children learn from their parents how to deal with sexuality in a healthy, positive and self-determined manner. This enables them to recognize sexual violence and get help more quickly.

What do you think of courses on the subject in schools?

Basically, it can be said that prevention and awareness-raising work is exactly the right thing to do to deal with the topic, because it strengthens the children's right to assert themselves. That is why prevention work should include further training, support and information for children, but also for parents and teachers. In order to avoid fear, however, children should always be informed about sexual abuse in an age-appropriate manner, i.e. the younger they are, the more playful they are. So they can playfully e.g. Learn in role play that they can say NO if they don't like something and that they get help when they need it. As I said, it is important that not only the children are addressed, but also the adults responsible for their protection.

This article originally appeared on Eltern.de.