Your child pushes you to the limit, refuses to obey you and manipulates you? He may be a "child tyrant". Why is he behaving like this and how to cope? We take stock with Valérie Bisogno, psychoanalyst.
Parenthood is not all rosy. Although you have idealized it, it also brings its share of difficulties. All the more so when the child's behavior becomes unmanageable. Those who are often referred to as "dirty kids" can actually be "child tyrants". A child tyrant is recognized by his willingness to exercise some power over his family. He manipulates, disobeys, gets angry easily and can also be violent. In short, it is a real nightmare for parents.
Rest assured, there are ways out and soothe the whole family. The first step is to recognize that your child is a tyrant, even if the word is scary because of its pejorative connotation (incidentally not appropriate for their young age). Valérie Bisogno, psychoanalyst based in Peymeinade and Avignon, enlightens us on this behavior, to understand the causes and overcome it.
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What is a child tyrant?
The child has exited the "terrible two" phase, but continues to be in opposition, and to have temper tantrums. While it is important for him to be able to say "no", because he also has a moral conscience and this is part of his development, this behavior should not be dragged on, at the risk of becoming a "child tyrant".
“In the literary sense of the word, a tyrant is one who exercises power. By extension, this word refers to a ‘flycatcher’ bird because of its aggressive behavior. A tyrant child is an executioner and in front of him there are the victims who are the parents. He is provocative, cruel, dominant and he is in control. He is an anguished child in great mental suffering ", begins by explaining the expert. He is also demanding, and cannot stand frustration or refusal.
According to the specialist, to define a child tyrant, "This behavior must be compulsive". That is to say "Repetitive over time and forcing parents to rearrange their role and function" in daily life. She adds : "For example, it is a child who breaks his toys or those of his siblings, tortures animals, intimidates with hurtful remarks and exercises blackmail in everything. "
Why is my child behaving like this?
“The tyrant child is not strictly speaking a concept of psychoanalysis, but it is with regard to the Freudian theory on drives and more particularly on the drive to control that we can shed some light. analytical on this behavior ”, says Valérie Bisogno. Before continuing: "Freud understands by drive to control, an drive whose goal is to dominate the other by force. In addition, he continues his thoughts by speaking of a "traumatic memory" in connection with early childhood. The child fantasized about suffering. This suffering, rightly or wrongly fantasized, is articulated by a lack of speech or emotional composure. So, by that we mean, the child takes revenge on the other who may be his mother, his father, his family. He inflicts his tyranny on those around him. "
Clearly, you have to understand that the child does not choose to be a tyrant. His behavior should be interpreted as a sign of distress: he is lost or seeks to mask a certain anxiety, hypersensitivity. As the expert said earlier, he is distressed and in great mental pain.
What are the consequences for everyday life?
The tyrannical child is a child who "Pushes to the limit" his close entourage. "He puts a strain on his parents and even the couple because he does not obey and their words seem to have no effect. It empties those around them of their energy, that is to say exhausts ", relates the psychoanalyst.
As a result, parents feel guilty: they feel like they are failing and lax. “They may doubt their ability to be a parent. But remember, this instinctual turmoil is inherent in the child and not necessarily due to the parents' cause ", says the expert
These parents can develop "battered parent syndrome": they are terrified of their own child and do not dare to act. This is why there is a need to quickly address this behavior. But also to remember that no parent is perfect and it is normal to encounter difficulties in being a father / mother.
On the other hand, the child is in a state of constant stress, which is not good for his development.
How to react as a parent?
As a parent, it is essential to try to understand your child, while remaining firm. “Above all, they must contain words, looks and gestures, because this child is in great mental suffering. It is to reassure him, to understand what immediately triggers his tyranny ", recommends the specialist. "Firmness remains essential, that is to say not to respond immediately to its requests. Frustrate him and set limits. The NO must be firm and not go back on a decision taken upstream by the parent. Communication remains essential in this relationship and showing him that as an adult he risks being rejected by others ", she continues.
Some mistakes should be avoided when the child behaves like this:
- Blackmail him to obey
- Argue when setting a rule
- Being too lax in the rules at home
- To listen to the child too much and all the time let him choose
- Do not ask for help when you feel the need
On the other hand, according to Valérie Bisognon, it is just as important for the parent "To identify positive behavior in order to value it and help it grow. ".
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What are the long-term consequences?
If your child is a bully, and their behavior is not taken care of, the long-term consequences can be dire. He can develop certain psychological disorders such as hyperactivity with attention deficit disorder, conduct or behavioral disorders, or OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder).
"In adulthood, if a follow-up has not been offered to this child, he risks developing a depression manifested by a mental illness, a passage to the act with physical violence, an inability to bear the limits. in society for lack of adaptation. Frustration then becomes unbearable suffering ” , warns the psychoanalyst.
Is follow-up necessary?
Regardless of the child's stage of "tyranny", never hesitate to seek professional help if you feel lost, exhausted. For Valérie Bisogno, “It is above all necessary to have this problem validated by an early childhood professional such as a child psychiatrist who himself will refer to a psychoanalyst. You have to distinguish between the aggressiveness that is part of normal child development, anger and screaming. This tyranny will then run out of steam with a follow-up because the child tyrant has a great need for reassurance. "
It is essential not to trivialize the child's behavior, or to make excuses for it. Just like not to be overwhelmed by your attitude, and to give up. This kind of behavior is neither good for the parent nor for the child. In adults, this can lead to parental burnout.
Valerie bisogno
Mobile phone: 07 87 94 47 52