Children's question: she wants a child, he doesn't – what to do?

Apparently hopeless: she wants a child, he doesn't. Is there a future? Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg explains.

In short: yes – but not necessarily together. Now in detail: The children's question is like a Grand Canyon that runs right through society. I myself am not at ease here because I also live on one side of the Grand Canyon and have found life with children to be incomparably great. But also because I have seen again and again how far this conflict shapes relationships and influences fates.
There are many differences that partners have to overcome together: gender identification, migration background, economic status, religious affiliation.

"Children – yes or no?" – no question is so crucial

Partnerships fail years later, regardless of the decision made. Insoluble anger over manipulated condoms. Insurmountable disappointment at not having been supported in having children back then. The aborted second child sits at the table like a reproachful ghost. A wordless accusation hovers over the child, who was received despite great misgivings. And apparently harmonious relationships perish in the unresolved conflict as soon as the biological clock begins to tick louder and louder.

The only solution: a clear decision

There is no compromise when it comes to children. There is only: either – or. Yes or no. It's about new life – not just that of the offspring, but also of the couple. Because no decision shapes or changes a love relationship as drastically as the step from togetherness to the triumvirate of papa-mom-child. It determines the rest of life. That overwhelms many couples. But the real overwhelming challenge is that a controversial point of view on the child question instantly calls the relationship into question. Because basically the ways separate here. Understandably, many initially shy away from this enormity.

Couples often play for time

Everyone hopes that the partner will change their posture. That the partnership is more important to her than a child. That he overcomes his fears of responsibility 20 years ago. Many couples then no longer openly deal with the issue of children, because every time the relationship-threatening force of the decision becomes noticeable, like a load of dynamite. But the emotional Grand Canyon doesn't close by itself. And hidden relationship issues that may be behind the conflict remain even more unsolved. Between the ages of 30 and 40, the chance of getting pregnant decreases for women. At some point the decision was made without ever having been made. “For now” has become “forever”. Or the desire to have children then breaks the relationship as soon as the woman approaches 40. Couples should realize that there will only be a good future if they really tackle the hot topic of having children. And women in particular shouldn't be held up. They are also ready to part ways if their life plans are incompatible.

Oskar Holzberg has been married for over 30 years and the psychologist has been advising couples for more than 20 years. He found that some sentences apply to all relationships. In every BRIGITTE he introduces one of them.
Brigitte 09/2018