Christmas: Sentences with which you immediately stop arguments

How do we actually imagine a perfect Christmas? The whole family is together, laughing, singing, giving each other presents. There are family photos, delicious food and it’s snowing outside. Ah, how beautiful! And how unrealistic. We tend to associate attributes like the ones just listed with the holidays, because advertising, social media and postcards try to convince us that the Advent season should look exactly like this and not differently.

“Do you think you’ll ever be in a relationship again?”

Of course, this builds up pressure: the higher our expectations, the lower we fall when it comes to arguing again (“Do you actually think you’ll ever be in a relationship again?”), and we don’t stand up again when eating vegetarian/vegan people were respected (“Oh, is that still up to date?”) or you and your family simply don’t want to look like your best friend, who is currently posting a series of pictures full of magical Christmas moments with her own on Instagram relatives share.

After all, only the world of illusion is perfect, and yet there are strong points of friction between hope and reality, Author and communications expert Piroska Gavallér-Rothe also knows: “Coexistence quickly becomes a highly explosive mixture.” In this article we have summarized for you why this is so – and how we can constructively face unpleasant questions and situations in order not to let the powder keg explode.

Sentences with which you can nip arguments at Christmas in the bud

Unfortunately, Christmas does not exist in a vacuum: Most of the time, we have a past or present that connects us with our loved ones, and it wasn’t always just happy and beautiful. Especially parent-child constellations can cause unrest, not to mention the distant relative who always drinks one glass too much and thus expresses a rude thought too much out loud, or the grandmother who is hard of hearing and easily forgetful and who calls you five times have to say in the evening: “No, Grandma. Nobody comes there anymore, I’m single. Yes, still.”

At some point, even the most patient person bursts out and, slightly tipsy, you smack your parents on the head, “What I’ve always wanted to tell you”, annoyed you throw the wine glass out of your relative’s hand or yell at grandma a little louder than you thought – or you try constructive sentences to defuse the situation, as suggested by Gavallér-Rothe.

1. Skilfully circumnavigate hot topics

We can’t avoid discussions very elegantly with sentences like: “I don’t feel like talking to you about Corona or the Ukraine war, because then there’s always a lot of noise and we don’t reach an agreement anyway.”

But we could also say instead: “For the past five Christmases we’ve had arguments every time. When it comes to topics like Corona or the Ukraine war, I’m worried because it’s very important to me to have a harmonious and peaceful celebration. Can we agree that for the next few days we will only focus on beautiful and peaceful issues and omit issues on which we have different opinions?”

2. Being able to make excuses and letting them make excuses

The following sentence is very direct, but quite aggressive: “Woah, would it be possible to at least let me finish on Christmas Eve?”

Alternatively, you could try this: “In the last three minutes you’ve started speaking five times while I was still talking. It’s important to me that our exchanges remain respectful. Are you willing to agree with me that we’re mutually listen to the end and then start speaking?”

3. Postpone serious exchange to later

For some people, Christmas Eve seems like the only right moment to address important – and for some controversial – issues. The following is quickly on the tip of the tongue: “Do we have to talk about this topic today, when everyone is here?”

Instead, you could take this statement: “I understand that the topic is important to you and I am willing to talk to you about it. The topic is so important to me, too, that I wish I had more time and quiet for the conversation. What do you think about talking about it next time we see each other without each other?”

4. Create distance if necessary

“You know what? It’s really too stupid for me to let you bleat on me like that again. I really don’t have to give it to myself!” for the moment certainly breathing space and maybe also satisfaction – but that’s as far as the two sides get.

Dear: “I’m just realizing how stressed I get on this topic and I need a break. I’ll go get some fresh air and go for a walk so I can breathe deeply and organize my thoughts.”

5. Ensure respectful exchange

People are not always particularly nice to each other – with or without Christmas. If you slip out a sentence like: “Can’t you just let my opinion stand for once? I’m tired of always hearing these derogatory comments!“, the mood is quickly over.

Maybe try a sentence like: “I understand that you judge the global political situation differently than I do. That’s okay with me. However, if you comment on my opinion with: ‘What nonsense’, I notice that I have acceptance for my different view is important. Would you be willing to say something along the lines of, ‘Obviously we don’t agree on that’ instead?

Piroska Gavallér-Rothe is the author of the book “Speaking plainly appreciatively: communicating successfully at work and in everyday life” and explains in her book how people can talk to each other better. It shows what causes people to fail in relationships and how communication can succeed that creates real closeness and connection – whether in a partnership, in business, with children or among friends.

Gavallér-Rothe works as a trainer for successful communication and relationship building and is a lecturer in conflict and communication skills at the University of Tübingen.

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