Christmas stress
This is how the festival of love becomes really harmonious
The Christmas season is not always calm and reflective.
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In relationships, the Advent season is often stressful. This is how couples manage to harmoniously resolve disputes about Christmas.
Drink mulled wine, light candles and cuddle together on the couch: however, the Advent season is not as harmonious as it is in the imagination for some couples. Relationship psychologist Wieland Stolzenburg knows that in the weeks before Christmas there are often conflicts and disputes. In an interview with the news agency spot on news, the author of "Deepening relationships: 103 questions for couples" explains where potential for controversy is hidden – and how partners should deal with it.
Christmas is not only considered a time of love, but also a stressful time – especially for couples. What creates potential for controversy in the run-up to Christmas?
Wieland Stolzenburg: Couples usually have arguments when many of our needs are not met or we are under stress. We are much more irritable and less tolerant under tension and stress. There is also an incredibly high expectation of the festival of love: to spend the perfect Christmas Eve, to experience a loving and considerate partner, to prepare the best food and so on. If much of this is not fulfilled – or if there is just the fear that it will not be fulfilled on Christmas days – this often leads to further potential for conflict. Unfortunately, Christmas is incredibly overloaded with expectations.
Typical problems are also the different needs, such as: "What should we eat on Christmas Eve?", "When do we visit whom?" or "Who cares about what?" Bringing these different wishes and expectations under one roof is a challenge, especially around Christmas, but one that couples can solve.
How do couples manage to experience the Christmas season in harmony?
Stolzenburg: The most important thing is that we reduce expectations – of ourselves and of everyone else. That we think about what Christmas actually means. It's not about the perfect meal, the most beautifully decorated apartment or an even more gigantic gift. It's about time and being together with people who are close to our hearts, who are important to us and who we love. All of the aspects mentioned are nice, but not prerequisites.
That means: taking a deep breath, lowering expectations, clear distribution of tasks, less is more and putting the human and not the perfect in the foreground.
What is particularly important when celebrating with the family, for example when dealing with parents and in-laws?
Stolzenburg: There are two aspects that can become challenges for couples. On the one hand: Who is invited or visited and when? And on the other hand, the handling when you see each other. It is often the case that we have done so much, bought and done so much that we actually need a few days off on Christmas Eve. But then for many the stress really starts – the social stress.
Here, too, you can contribute to the success yourself by dividing up responsibilities early on, allowing yourself not to have to do it perfectly, stopping and taking a deep breath and approaching others with a positive attitude. Sometimes it is also important as a couple that you do not meet all of the other's expectations and, for example, do not visit or invite your in-laws – thanks to Corona you have at least a very good excuse.