Ever felt like you deserve someone better than your partner? Or that he deserves someone better than you? Don't worry: you're not alone in this.
Goals, successes, perception, inner attitude – all things that we (rightly!) Deal with often and diligently if we want to give our happiness a boost. What we sometimes neglect: Our expectations! In fact, they also play a huge role in our satisfaction – for example in our relationship, as a study by Bar-Ilan University in Israel showed.
The 4 types of entitlement in relationships
In a 2014 study, the psychologist Sivan George-Levi asked numerous couples about their demands and expectations of partners and relationships – and about their satisfaction in the partnership. George-Levi focused on more mature, long-term relationships: the participants were over 50 and had been together for more than 20 years.
Based on their answers, the psychologist divided the respondents into four groups, the four types of entitlement:
- The excessive claim type: This guy often asks himself whether his partner is good enough for him – and often answers it with no. Excessive aspirational types, both in relationships and otherwise, secretly have the feeling that others owe them something and should take care of them. They always find something to complain about their partner and even after years in an exclusive relationship they still keep their eyes open for someone better. An alternative term for this group: the narcissistic claim type …
- The high demand type: The respondents who made up this group generally had high expectations of the partner. For example, they took it for granted that the other person would feel and meet their needs and demands without them explaining them to him. In general, they tended to expect more than they give – and sometimes more than they are entitled to …
- The suppressed claim type: It is typical for this group that they tend to think that they are not good enough. She instinctively assumes that the partner's needs and interests take precedence over her own in the relationship. Those who fall into this category often have great problems expressing their own claims and wishes and standing up for themselves.
- The specific type of claim: "I deserve a partner who cares for me! I insist that in a relationship I get what I'm due! I think my partner can be happy to have me! " Typical principles of the particular claim type. The respondents who belonged to this group usually found it not at all difficult to express their wishes and interests in the partnership and, if necessary, to fight for them.
Claim type and satisfaction
But how does the respective type of claim affect the happiness in a relationship? Although the couples interviewed by George-Levi had been together for decades, the analysis of the responses revealed a clear picture: The excessive and the suppressed claim types felt rather unhappy in their relationship, while the certain and the high claim types rated their satisfaction in the partnership as high a – as well as their partners!
The psychologist's explanation: Those who take themselves too seriously and therefore have too high, excessive expectations of their partner (type 1) cannot be happy in any relationship – because no one is able to meet their expectations. However, those who consider themselves so unimportant that they do not even express their needs (type 3) have just as little chance of real relationship happiness – because if the other does not know our wishes, they cannot fulfill them either.
On the other hand, according to George-Levi, types 2 and 4 have better chances of being happy with their demands on a partnership. You have high, but realistic demands that the other person can meet (those with high demands must admittedly need a lot of sensitivity, but such people should be there …). In addition, through their expectations, they give their partner the feeling that they are really one hundred percent involved in the relationship, that they want to actively help shape it – and need him! This in turn also increases the partner's satisfaction.
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