Listen to yourself
If we have a feel for what is going on within ourselves, good communication with others is much easier.
1. A minute me
Get in the habit of pausing for a minute before each important conversation: How is my body doing? What's going on in my head Do I have a need that needs to be met? Recognition? Orientation? But maybe something completely different, such as B. Hunger? What belongs in the upcoming conversation situation? What do you want to let go of or use beforehand? Arrive completely at yourself before walking towards the other.
Effect: clarity in the conversation – even at the non-verbal level.
2. Message to myself
Say a few words of praise yourself as a message on your cell phone. Just say what you like about yourself, what's going really well in your life. Listen to this message again and again – especially if you are in danger of sinking into anger and disappointment again.
Effect: Appreciating yourself makes you strong internally.
3. Need instead of reproach
It makes a big difference if I say: "You are totally self-centered, you only talk about yourself!" or "I have the feeling that you don't care about me if you keep interrupting me." Pay attention to what feelings and needs are behind your allegations or demands on others. You can do that for yourself in the beginning. But after a few days you may also dare to speak more openly about your feelings and needs to others.
Effect: We feel much more clearly what we are about – and others usually develop compassion instead of defense.
Listen to the other
How beneficial it is when someone takes an interest, lets you finish – and is there with your head AND heart! Be that someone.
1. Practice listening
Choose a piece of music that you have never heard before. Close your eyes and just listen. Don't expect anything, don't judge anything. Just stick the entire length of the piece with your attention. How does that feel? What are you experiencing right now?
Effect: We almost automatically mix what we hear with our experiences and preconceived notions. We feel the same way in discussions. The music practice trains the ability to listen consciously.
2. One minute you
In the next conversation with a friend or colleague, practice listening carefully for a minute. That means: do not wander in your thoughts, do not evaluate what has been said, do not correct and debate inside and out. Just listen carefully. Let yourself be surprised.
For advanced: Tell your counterpart that you practice mindful listening. Listen – and then tell your conversation partner what you understand. He can say whether he really felt understood.
Effect: You will perceive your counterpart differently than before. More interesting, closer.
3. My conviction! Really?
Decide on a topic on which you have a very clear stance: For organic food, against nuclear power or more parking spaces in the city. Now pretend for a few minutes that you believe the exact opposite of your belief. Organic? Totally unnecessary! Nuclear power? Awesome and clean! … It is astonishing: one will find arguments for the opposite attitude. This is why you learn a lot about other people and what moves them in this exercise.
Effect: You practice empathizing with others' thoughts. And understand them better.
Speak from the heart
If we want to be understood, we should be honest.
1. I messages
Start with one hour a day: Express all of your feelings, thoughts and wishes exclusively in first-person messages. Instead of "You would have to plan your vacation more precisely", say honestly: "I want you to take care of trip ideas for our vacation days." Overcome yourself – it's easier than you thought!
Effect: "I" makes us visible. Too often we hide behind "man".
2. Silence instead of lies
Instead of saying untruths, we should rather not say anything, advises Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh. Because lying and cheating ultimately only cause suffering for everyone involved. So as soon as you want to say something that is not true or that you would twist a bit because you want to keep your opinion behind the mountain, say next time: nothing. How are you doing
Effect: Our conversations become deeper, more honest – and probably a little less.
3. Listen with your heart
Please a friend or your partner for a little experiment: You sit opposite each other. Then report on a situation that has offended you – but use only sounds and gestures instead of words. When you are finished, your counterpart will tell you which messages have been received. Then ask your partner to listen again. But this time he should listen primarily with his heart, feeling and compassion – and switch off his mind. Then he can report back what he has understood.
Effect: It may very well be that you feel understood much more deeply when your counterpart listens to you with your heart.