Calm down
How we communicate lovingly – even when we are bursting with anger
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When we’re angry, empathetic communication is anything but easy. A couples therapist gives tips on how it can still work.
There are always conflicts. This is an indisputable fact, and unfortunately conflicts don’t really matter whether the people between whom they arise are in need of harmony or avoid conflict, or whether they have the energy and the mental capacity.
There are also conflicts in every relationship, whether platonic or romantic and regardless of how happy both parties are with each other. And just as regardless of how calm, respectful, and easygoing people usually are in their dealings with one another, an argument can bring out the worst in all of us. When it gets really destructive, we get personal, unfair, mean.
But you can learn to deal with conflicts lovingly – that’s not easy, and it doesn’t always work out anyway, so nobody should fool themselves. But it can help to internalize certain clues.
Nonviolent communication doesn’t always work
“I feel … when you … and I need from you …” – maybe this formula sounds familiar to you. It is a concept of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) developed by the psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg.
An example: In the kitchen you found your:your partner:partner’s dirty dishes – not for the first time. You could of course handle the situation very destructively, yelling at your partner and accusing him/her of being a slovenly, ruthless dolt who living with is an absolute disaster. You could tell him/her that he/she doesn’t care about your needs.
Only: You won’t achieve much with it. Nonviolent communication according to Rosenberg works with I-messages and appeals to the empathy of fellow human beings: You express your observation (“I noticed that you haven’t washed your dishes lately and put them in the kitchen. I rinsed them, after it’s been sitting around for a day.”), the emotion and the associated need (“I’m frustrated because I like things neat. It helps me to relax.”) and finally a specific request (“Please tell me whether you’re ready to do your dishes right after eating in the future, or let’s find a way together to meet both of our needs for order.”)
The problem here is that it’s a concept, and sometimes concepts are quite far removed from reality. In reality, in a stressful everyday life, on a bad day, we don’t always manage to see our needs so clearly, to communicate so calmly, decisively and respectfully. There are days when we’re bursting with rage inside, and the plate of crusty leftovers is the famous straw that breaks the camel’s back. So how to react? How can we communicate more mindfully, even in moments of great inner excitement?
4 steps to more empathetic communication
Couples therapist Michelle Becker knows that our relationships can be the source of much joy and fulfillment – just like a place of discord and frustration. In her article in Greater Good Magazine, the psychologist lists four important steps for empathetic communication.
- Be careful: Try to get out of reactivity. For example, if you come home and find said dirty dishes, be careful not to immediately rush at your partner and express your frustration. Instead, it can help to focus on yourself and the moment first.
Change the room or close your eyes, focus on your breathing and try to focus on yourself, your body, the here and now. Tell yourself (out loud or in your mind), “I know you’re upset, and you have every right to be upset. But for now, let’s take care of you.”
- Show compassion for yourself: The next step is to focus on our emotions. What is the feeling that is triggered in us in this situation? Where is it coming from and what is it that we need right now? It can help to imagine what we would say to a friend who is in our situation and try to say those things to ourselves. “I hear you, I see you. I’ll stay with you and we can do it together” are words that are good for us too.
- Compassion for the other person: Now that we have shown compassion towards ourselves, we address the vulnerability of the other person. Maybe we don’t know the whole story? Was our:e partner:in maybe more tidy? Is the person not doing well, is everything too much, too exhausting, overwhelming?
- Bringing our own values back to the fore: How do we want our relationship to be? How do we want to communicate with each other? When we ask ourselves these questions, we also make more conscious decisions about the way in which we talk to our fellow human beings.
In essence, it is about removing yourself from the situation, not reacting instinctively and driven by emotions, but taking a deep breath, reflecting, looking at yourself and the other person and only then starting to communicate. Then we can also succeed in communicating lovingly with anger in our stomachs.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, de.wikipedia.org, greatergood.berkeley.edu