Communication: 3 sentences that are typical for narcissists

According to the expert
Phrases that narcissists use to gaslight you in an argument

Some people have narcissistic tendencies without meeting the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. In everyday life, for example, a person can find a healthy approach to themselves and other people, feel safe without constant encouragement and attention, think about others and empathize with them – and in an extreme situation become highly self-centered, rigorous and manipulative . People with narcissistic personality disorder usually have to work hard and invest a lot of energy to notice and control their narcissistic tendencies, and people who are not affected by the disorder usually do not have to. Nevertheless, they can occasionally fall into typical narcissistic patterns – especially under exceptional circumstances.

Confrontations and arguments are classic moments that pose a challenge to many people and cause stress and discomfort in them. We feel threatened, attacked, provoked and feel the impulse to defend ourselves and fight back. It is all too understandable that very few people in such a state can think about how what they say and do will be received by the other person, what effect their words might have or what the other person’s concerns actually are. And that’s why it’s almost unavoidable that during an argument, sentences are said that hurt or really upset you – whether you’re a narcissist or not.

In a blog entry for Psychology Today, therapist Erin Leonard shared three sentences that, based on her experience, she believes are particularly typical of narcissistic people, but that could probably come from the lips of a lot of people. Depending on the tone and situation, these sentences don’t necessarily have to be painful. However, in a confrontation they usually fall victim to gaslighting.

3 sentences that others can use to gaslight you in an argument

“It’s a shame you feel that way”

It’s one thing to be friendly to a person It’s quite another to say “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way at the moment” – but it’s quite another to say the above sentence to a person in a confrontation. While in the first case the statement expresses compassion and concern for the other person’s situation, in a confrontational context “it’s a shame that you feel that way” implies regret for the way another person perceives and interprets the world. And with this regret comes criticism and reproach. For many people, such a sentence will trigger doubt and insecurity, a feeling of being wrong and completely responsible for being angry, hurt or disappointed. He denies their feelings the legitimacy or at least the appropriateness. And that can be very worrying.

“You have a problem with your anger”

When we show emotions, including anger, we tend to make ourselves vulnerable. Erin Leonard sees taking advantage of this opportunity during an argument and assuming that another person has an anger problem as a typical narcissistic method of manipulating a person. This sentence distracts from the real reason for the confrontation and opens up a whole new topic that may not be a topic at all. The same applies here again: If the statement is made in a different context, for example if we ask a friend when she tells us about her inner conflicts whether she perhaps has a problem dealing with anger, this can be sensitive and constructive. But in an argument, the sentence is often a blow to the emotional intimate area.

“You broke it”

According to Erin Leonard, making accusations is a narcissistic pattern with the purpose and motivation of removing yourself from responsibility. This is usually based on the belief that you are right and the better person that others sabotage. That’s exactly what this sentence implies in a very direct way: It assumes that the other person destroys what another person – for example the one speaking – has built and maintained. For most people, this statement will trigger a guilty conscience that they will first have to classify and understand before they can defend themselves and deal with it further.

classification

Hardly anyone is able to choose their own words carefully in every situation and take the other person’s feelings into account. Sometimes we have no way of knowing how a person will receive what we say because we don’t know their individual history or misjudge their current state. It follows that we can hurt others without meaning to. And they us. Some people hurt more often than others, others get hurt more often, but no one is perfect or untouchable. That doesn’t make life a big ice cream, but it is unbearable for very few people. Gaslighting and subtle insults in particular can damage our self-esteem because we are usually not consciously aware that someone is attacking us. Such attacks, of all things, happen frequently in everyday life.

If a person has strong narcissistic tendencies, we usually recognize them better when we see the person interacting with other people than when they interact with us. This knowledge can help us to better classify our feelings and deal with such a person. So unless the three mentioned or other pithy sentences are mentioned that we can associate with gaslighting, it can sometimes help to observe a person and their behavior towards others. Apart from that, we can reflect on our own statements in retrospect. Both measures can perhaps make the world a little more pleasant for us and those around us and help them and us achieve a little more emotional peace. Unless we need it.

Sources used: psychologytoday.com

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Bridget