Some people apologize too often rather than too rarely. But that doesn’t mean that apologies are generally overrated. In which situations a simple apology can put the whole world right.
“You said sorry for things you hadn’t even done. I always find it interesting when people do that.”
(“You apologized for things you didn’t even do. I always find it interesting when people do that.”)
The quote comes from Matt Haig’s new book, “The Life Impossible”. It describes a phenomenon that is also frequently discussed in online media: some people constantly say sorry.
It is often said that women in particular apologize far too much. Do you have a question? No reason to apologize. Laughing out loud? Please save your “sorry.” Whether you are a woman or not, there is no need to feel guilty about something we need, want, can do, know, believe or are. Perhaps, according to one theory, frequent, inappropriate apologies are in many cases an expression of a lack of self-acceptance.
But as inappropriate as the word “sorry” is in some situations, it can be valuable and effective in other moments when it is not necessarily necessary. To name just three examples.
Situations where an apology is everything
Jogger meets dog
When I was out running the other day, a dog ran in front of my feet. That was stupid. I was about to get angry, but then I saw the dog’s owner, who looked at me with friendly concern (and not amusement!) and said: “Sorry.” That drove away my anger before it could even make me frown. I called out to the woman with a relaxed “It’s fine, nothing happened” and happily carried on walking.
I don’t know how many times I’ve met dog owners who didn’t apologize. They just laughed (perhaps out of embarrassment?) and seemed to be happy about how well their Irish Red Setter was letting off steam. Afterwards, I rarely continued walking in a good mood – I was usually annoyed.
Bulk shopping at the stationery store
One Friday evening, I had just bought a birthday present for my brother and wanted to quickly buy a card in the stationery store on the way home. The choice was easy for me and I quickly got in line at the cash register. There were only three customers in front of me. But things weren’t moving forward. One customer took too long and left. I moved forward and saw what was going on: the woman whose turn it was had a lot of stationery in her basket that could have been used to equip an entire year group. And the cashier had to scan and pack each pencil and each folder individually.
The line got longer and longer, discontent and impatience hung in the air. I definitely felt annoyed. After a while, the bulk buyer turned around and said to us waiting: “Excuse me, I’m sorry.” That woke me up from my annoyance trance. I answered the woman: “You don’t need to apologize, you have the right to buy what you want, you don’t have to feel bad about it.” I meant that her apology was unnecessary. But it made me see the other customer’s perspective as well as my own. It made me understand that there was nothing that could be done about this situation. That relaxed me. And it gave me the feeling that I was surrounded by friendly people who would never intentionally annoy me.
The busy friend
Recently, a good friend wrote to me after a few months of radio silence and began his message with the words “Sorry, I’ve been meaning to get in touch for a long time, …”
I would have been happy about his message either way and I wasn’t hurt by his silence either. I knew that he had a lot on his plate and I trusted him to be my friend, even if life sometimes gets in the way of us talking or seeing each other. With the word “sorry” at the beginning of his message, however, he signaled to me once again that he cares about our friendship. That he doesn’t think it’s right and regrets that there is radio silence between us.
“Sorry” has many meanings
Sometimes people use an apology to tell us that they don’t believe they have the same right as others to take up space in our world. Sometimes they share their regrets, and sometimes they say, “I see you.” Apologies can connect us to one another, and often we share how we see a situation, relationship, or ourselves. Not everything can be made right by an apology.
In my opinion, judging when a person is apologizing too often is just as difficult and complex as understanding the reasons that motivate them to do so. Lack of self-acceptance or insecurity can play a role. But Matt Haig presents another motivation in his novel: “It is like an admission that everyone in the world has a little to blame for everything.”the quote above continues. “It’s like an admission that everyone in the world is a little bit to blame for everything.” That’s certainly up for debate. But it would at least explain why it’s so nice to forgive.