It is essential for mutual understanding, whether in a platonic or romantic relationship: empathetic listening.
In any form of relationship – whether romantic or platonic – communication is one of the most important pillars. But mutual understanding not only requires being able to verbalize your own thoughts and feelings, but also and above all: listening.
And of course that doesn’t mean that you just listen to what another person says, but rather it’s about being proactive, attentive – and sensitive – to be. In this article we explain what exactly that means and why emphatic listening is so important for a relationship.
What does emphatic listening mean?
In the lexicon of psychology, empathy is described as “feeling the suspected emotion of another living being on the basis of the cognitive understanding of this emotion” – and this also explains emphatic listening: This is the ability to (emotionally) engage with what the other person is saying. Another term for this is “active listening” and that is the opposite of passive listening.
When listening passively, you only want to respond to what is being heard. When listening actively or emphatically, you want to understand what the other person is saying to you. And that doesn’t just mean just hearing: If you want to listen sensitively, you have to make sure that you are completely present in the conversation and, if necessary, lead it with open questions in order to give the other person the feeling that they can share everything freely.
Actively listening to others is not only important when there is a problem that needs to be solved. Nor should it only be done when you hope to gain something from the conversation. Anyone who only really listens when he/she has to or thinks they have to will, in the worst case scenario, give the other person the feeling that you have no interest in the person – which inevitably leads to a rift in any form of relationship.
Why it is so difficult for many people to actively listen
Let’s say your best friend tells you about her problems. You listen carefully, feeling their anger and desperation. As soon as she’s finished, you give her a bunch of advice to address her problems – and in doing so, you haven’t listened empathetically. How? Isn’t the point of listening to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to help them? In fact, it is an obvious thought and often our desire to be of help to our counterpart. But that is not what is meant by emphatic listening.
A person who listens empathetically knows that their role in this situation is to provide emotional support – not to share their perspective, which is the last thing the other person needs. Of course we can give advice, but it’s important to hold off on giving it until we’ve thought about what we’ve heard – and, above all, to wait for the other person to ask us for it.
We can express our compassion in ways other than a desire to solve the other person’s problems. Verbal and non-verbal signals can show that what is being said affects us, as well as constant eye contact that tells the other person: I see and I hear you.
That’s why empathetic listening ensures a healthy, stable relationship
Listening compassionately ensures a happy, long-term relationship. This makes it easier for us to put ourselves in the situation of our counterpart (whether a friend or partner), to understand the person on a deeper level – and this also ensures mutual and deep trust.
Empathetic listening leads to more trust
Maybe you know the feeling of being a burden when you share supposedly negative emotions with those around you. Or you feel like you can’t verbalize well what you’re going through. You may even think that your partner is misinterpreting everything you say. This can become an issue if we don’t always feel emotionally secure in our relationship.
Trust is immensely important for every relationship and no relationship can last if it is lacking. But trust can be strengthened and compassionate listening is a good way to do this: It helps both parties be open with their feelings and meet, understand and connect on a deeper level.
Empathetic listening helps you understand your partner
We all have a strong need to be seen, heard – in short: understood. Of course, this is especially true in a romantic relationship. We tend to draw conclusions from ourselves about others: we would act in such and such a way in such and such a situation and think and feel about it in such and such a way. But of course this does not apply to our fellow human beings, which quickly leads to misunderstandings and a lack of understanding. When we actively listen, we think about what the person in the relationship is saying, what the person is going through and how they think.
When you listen empathetically, you try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes: What has this person been through, how could they have been influenced by their previous experiences? Especially when we are surprised or even irritated by a reaction, it is important to ask for details that will help us understand.
Sources used: powerofpositivity.com, mindtools.com, dorsch.hogrefe.com