If we can do one thing without practicing it, it is comparing ourselves to other people.
- "My girlfriend is much prettier than me."
- "My colleague does a lot more than I do."
- "My neighbor obviously makes a lot more money than I do."
Easy, we can do it. We have long known that this natural talent does not necessarily make us happy. But a special form of comparison not only harms us but also others because it not only stands in the way of our happiness, but also of our compassion: comparing suffering and problems.
- "Because of this stupid corona crisis, I can't celebrate my birthday. But what do I imagine to be sad about it? After all, other people have lost their jobs or even their mother or father!"
- "It annoys me that there is no good Japanese in my area – how embarrassing! In Africa, people sometimes have to walk days to get water."
Thoughts like this are familiar to most people – but according to the American emotion researcher Brené Brown, they are extremely toxic.
Suffering compares suffering and awakens shame
"Your own problems don't go away by measuring them against others. The comparison does not trigger a signal that tells your soul: 'Your suffering is below the average minimum and therefore has no reason to exist," explains Brown in her podcast. On the contrary: if we deny or ignore bad feelings, they become stronger and put a greater strain on us.
In addition to all the abundance in the course of comparing suffering, shame is usually added to the "bad emotion party". We feel bad because we have problems that others might be grateful for. And that makes it difficult for us or, according to Brown, prevents us from having empathy and being there for others.
"Empathy and shame are almost opposite feelings, they cannot coexist," said the expert. Because while empathy mainly focuses on other people and only creates experiences from our own emotional world, with the help of which we can better understand them, shame is primarily self-centered. "Those who are ashamed only think about others by considering how they can hide what they are ashamed of from them," explains Brown.
Take problems seriously
Instead of comparing our problems and our suffering and thinking small, the emotional researcher advises to take both seriously and perceive – and to allow self-compassion. After all, empathy is not a cheesecake, of which there is less if we put a large piece on our plates. It is more like a muscle or a skill that we train and improve through use.
Should we accidentally compare our situation with that of other people (who can just turn it off on command …?), Find out: "Oh, I'm not that bad," and we are grateful or better feel, that is fine – but also no reason for shame! Nothing we feel is reason to be ashamed. Neither in front of others nor in front of ourselves.