In the countryside, in the city, in an apartment, at home, in telework, in partial unemployment… If some French people have been confined by themselves since March 17, others cohabit 7 days a week with their spouse, their children, their grandparents, their friends or their roommates. Their daily life: working, cooking, playing sports, watching series, playing games and activities all together. If at the beginning of the confinement, their relations with their co-confined persons were fine, they have undoubtedly deteriorated over the weeks due to this confusing situation. For some, the proverb "better alone than in a bad comapny" takes on its full meaning because promiscuity does not work for everyone.
This period of isolation and pandemic is upsetting the habits of couples, families and roommates. This exceptional circumstance sows discord and undermines the links and relationships maintained. Lovers even go so far as to separate, or even divorce. This is the case of many couples in China where the number of divorces to explode after the quarantine period is lifted. The reason is simple. Faced with the epidemic and confined in one place, certain character traits reveal themselves or take over and can annoy the other.
Confinement: 49% of couples argue more
In France, confinement plays on the morale of the confined. Result: 49% of French couples say they argue more and more frequently about household chores and their distribution within the couple since confinement, according to the results published on April 8 of an Ifop survey for a product comparison Consolab general public. The youngest, those under 25, would be the most affected to be prone to conflict. "You have to understand that it is the situation that makes you angry, the problem comes from the virus and not the person himself", says psychologist and psychotherapist Marie-Estelle Dupont. To avoid any conflict within your accommodation, Marie-Estelle Dupont gives you 6 tips to apply if you do not want to break a friendship, argue with your children, your spouse or your roommates.
Confinement: having temporal, spatial and psychic landmarks
Usually, in the event of tensions or arguments, it is possible to take the air to be able to calm down, let off steam or simply relieve the pressure. This unprecedented period does not allow this. Marie-Estelle Dupont therefore advises relying on spatial, temporal and psychic landmarks. "To have spatial reference points, you have to reclaim the space and reorganize it. In a single day, the house goes from a classroom, to an office, to a canteen, to a playroom. so complicated to focus and find your way around. To avoid that, you have to rearrange the house. For example, if you have several rooms, transform one into an office ", explains the psychologist.
As for the time marks, they allow you not to let go and keep a certain rhythm of life. Marie-Estelle Dupont recommends having a routine, setting hours, and even making a schedule to hang on the refrigerator. "You can mark the time of breakfast, rest time, working time, sports activities and color them if you have young children", says the psychotherapist.
To avoid having a parental burnout, Marie-Estelle Dupont recommends having psychic references. "During this period, all the charges accumulate. We must therefore redistribute the cards differently and divide the tasks to avoid being exhausted, overwhelmed and stressed. This will result in fluidity in family relationships and limit conflicts"says the psychologist.
Go around the table to communicate, in case of conflicts
"We must not put pressure to avoid quarrels at all costs. If there is, it is not a tragedy. We simply have to go around the table, with family or friends for example, to come back to the argument and talk about it. Anyone can speak up. It helps lower the tension. ", specifies Marie-Estelle Dupont. The psychotherapist also advises to discuss "areas for improvement" during the round table to judge "what does not work and conversely what works" and so that everyone makes daily efforts.
Same advice for couples: you have to talk and talk about the conflict. "The duo must discuss it but without attacking the other. This is called non-violent communication. We are talking about yourself and your feelings and not about the acts or behavior of your partner because this is likely to aggravate In the case of a couple, we must also talk about the changes and areas for improvement that we want ", underlines the psychologist.
Divide household chores well during confinement
Household chores are among the things that annoy within a family, a couple or a roommate. Marie-Estelle Dupont recommends drawing up a list of household chores and dividing them up so that everyone gets their hands dirty and so that these chores are not a source of conflict. "Containment has an advantage. It allows parents to realize that from the age of 3, children can participate in the logistics of the house. They can make their bed or put the compotes in the cupboard. both simplify their daily lives and have fun with children ", details the psychologist. This confinement is an opportunity for parents to pass on social skills to their children that they do not learn in school.
As part of a couple, she also recommends writing down household chores and sharing them. "Men have a peripheral vision and women have a central vision, so they do not have the same perception of things. It is therefore preferable to distribute the tasks in order to avoid tensions", says Marie-Estelle Dupont. If it is a cohabitation with friends, you have to be straddling the chores. Other advice: "everyone must do their part, the maniac must let go and the individual who is more messy must agree to do the chores".
Isolate during confinement
"Within a couple, there is what is called a dynamic of desire. This desire is nourished by distance. In the case of confinement, it is complicated to maintain it because the lovers are stuck all the day". To avoid fighting, you have to be alone in a room and isolate yourself: do one activity or the races without the other. "If the two are teleworking, it is preferable that each one is his work corner. They can meet for coffee breaks but must avoid being stuck together all day long", underlines Marie-Estelle Dupont.
Do not mention angry subjects
Whether it is a member of his family, his half, his friend or his roommate, it is better not to put on the carpet the angry subjects. "The situation is already scary and stressful enough like that, we must not make the mistake of talking about these fundamental matters. Now is not the time to unearth the hatchet. To overcome this ordeal, we must be diplomat and weigh his words ".
Containment: organize and anticipate
To better live in confinement, you have to organize yourself. To do this, you must communicate: "Parents must be a team. They must help each other, anticipate all possible constraints or situations, such as a videoconference or the homework of their children, and arrange for cohabitation to go as well as possible. Each evening, they can take stock of their day and ask themselves what they can improve ". If cohabitation is with friends, it is also better to anticipate and organize yourself so that some people do not make too much noise during an important call, for example. "You have to know how to compromise"says the psychologist.
In the context of a shared apartment, if the roommates do not get along, they must admit, put water in their wine and separate the spaces as much as possible. "It is possible to write a kind of co-ownership by-law, to which everyone must refer. Writing the rules helps defuse many conflicts. Who may know that this confinement will allow them to discover themselves and create links", says Marie-Estelle Dupont.
Thanks to Marie-Estelle Dupont, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and author of the book Liberate from her toxic self (Editions Larousse)
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