The “Conscious Uncoupling” method promises a good separation. After just six weeks of “conscious unpairing”: no more grudges, no more hard feelings. How is that supposed to work? Let’s ask an expert.
Barbara: Ms. Behrmann, how does a couples therapist come up with the idea of specializing in separations?
Dorothea Behrmann: My own parents separated very badly and quarreled when I was seven years old. That was terrible for me, I was always caught between two chairs, I was only allowed to see my father every three weeks because my mother didn’t want me to see him in between. And then I became a couples therapist because I thought: All couples need to be saved.
And?
Well, who came to my practice? Couples where nothing worked anymore. In which one of the two had long since said goodbye, where no more loving looks were exchanged. If there is still an argument, at least there is still energy. But when there is only silence, the only question that remains is: How do we part now in the best possible way? There are a few couples therapy approaches that you can use to help people. But I only found a very specific work for the emotional support of separation in the USA, where the coaching for “Conscious Uncoupling” was developed, i.e. for “conscious uncoupling”. I then trained in that.
The term was heard a few years ago when Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin said they “knocked out on purpose.” Honestly, I thought at the time: Oh, those American celebrities with their think-positive attitude, even after a breakup you can’t even suffer and be angry…
It is not the goal to still have to be friends with the ex-partner. But to end the relationship as peacefully and benevolently as possible and to forgive yourself and the other. So that you can really be free again and look to the future. I think anyone who is breaking up with an important relationship, whether they have kids or not, should do that.
They don’t work with the couple, only with the individual. Why?
There is a separation, but two stories. It’s seldom that one says, “You know, honey, I think it’s better if we break up,” and the other then says, “Yes, honey, you’re so right, I think so too all the time.” Usually it is only one who wants to go or has already gone. And they are usually a little better off than the person who was abandoned. Most of all, those who have been abandoned come to me. The program is more tailored to them. But the partners who left also call me and say: I know that I hurt him or her a lot, how can I help?
How does such a “conscious unpairing” actually work?
It essentially consists of five steps, which are carried out in sequence. The first step is dealing with negative feelings, i.e. these overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, helplessness. Is there something I do to not feel these feelings as intensely as drinking too much, eating too much? How to calm down instead without self-harm behavior, what do I need? It’s not about denying those feelings. On the contrary, it’s about feeling them: What do you feel and what do you still feel? When you name feelings, they immediately become less overwhelming.
How is this continuing?
The second step is to get out of the victim role. The story that we keep telling ourselves – and usually others too – is what the other person did to you. But that leads to even more impotence. And so my next question is: what does the same story look like from a more factual perspective, if you focus on the facts? And how did I contribute to the situation myself? If I recognize my own part without devaluing myself, then we really move forward.
But what if he’s guilty and cheated on me again and again…?
Even if the other person is 97 percent at fault, you should look at what your own 3 percent is. If you don’t do that, you won’t regain your strength. There are good reasons to hate others and to be mad at them forever. But it doesn’t help. Hate is as strong as love, it’s a bond.
And what about the opposite of hate: I love him and I will never love anyone the way he does again?
It’s normal to think that way at first. In step four I’ll ask you again about this feeling – you will answer differently. You want someone with whom you can be who you are, don’t have to play a role, don’t have to put yourself above or below. Where you feel seen and loved. And that’s not the person who broke up with you.
So far it hasn’t been about the ex-partner, but only about oneself.
Yes, in the first steps it’s all about yourself, your own feelings, in step three it’s about your own patterns and beliefs that you brought into the partnership from childhood. It helps a lot to recognize them – also for future relationships that you want to get back into. The ex-partner is only discussed in the last two steps. Put yourself in his shoes: how did he fare? What do you appreciate about him and the time you spent together? And which old couple agreements like “I’m always there for you” no longer apply, and what could – step four – new agreements look like, for example for joint parenthood?
And then I say goodbye?
Yes, with a ritual. The partner does not have to be present for this, it is enough to introduce yourself. You thank your partner for the good things that have happened in the relationship and say goodbye. You can shape that however you want. For example, a client let boats with sentences to her ex float away in a river. It is very healing to do something that symbolizes: It’s really over now.
The program is for six weeks created. To be honest, that sounds pretty ambitious.
It may be that one step or the other takes a little more time and we need to take a break, mostly when it comes to really forgiving the other. Not by negating what he or she did, but by letting it go. And then at the end, the farewell – that hurts again. Some say: I notice that I can’t do it yet. But six weeks is often enough. It has to be said that most of the people who come to me have already done the groundwork and spoken to someone about it and they really want to get out of the pain and move on. And if you seriously face the separation, you’re already a bit out of the complete victim attitude.
Is every failed relationship really an opportunity?
I think “fail” is the wrong word at all. I believe every breakup is a chance to get to the bottom of your own relationship patterns. And it’s always good to break up. Even if you never want to see the other person again. Even if he played badly on you. Then you can say: You were important to me. Thank you for waking me up. That I now know why I’m always attracted to people who aren’t good for me at all.
Dorothea Behrmann is a trained couples therapist and separation coach. uncoupling.eu