Conspiracy Theories: My partner, the conspiracy believer

Couples therapist reveals
You can do this if your partner believes in a conspiracy

© Nomad_Soul / Shutterstock

Is love the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also provides quite a few. Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg answers them all.

What do I do if my partner suddenly believes in conspiracy myths? Then the rift goes through the world right through the relationship.

We want to share our view of life. We deeply long to feel understood, accompanied and supported in our experience. That is why we are almost intoxicated when we are in love that we have finally found our soul mate. In our love relationships we look for what we have in common, here we want to finally overcome isolation and loneliness forever.

When the closeness is lost

But at the moment dividing, seemingly insurmountable rifts are breaking open everywhere. Socially, also between friends, family members – and lovers. And so the closeness that meant everything to us is suddenly lost. The worst that can happen in a relationship has happened: we can no longer reach the other. We stand in front of it stunned and are horrified to see how every discussion only drives our partner further into arguments and sham arguments.

Fall in love with your partner again: Oskar Holzberg

Oskar Holzberg, 67, has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for over 20 years and has been married for over 30 years. His current book is called "Neue Schlüsselsätze der Liebe" (240 pages, 11 euros, DuMont).

© Ilona Habben

Whatever we encounter in such a case as opinion, information, knowledge or conviction and ultimately lead to conspiracy theories is based on feelings. We are not sane beings, we just always struggle to be. So it is wise to try to understand our partner's new position first. To ask questions, to want to understand. But this only goes up to the point where we only encounter crude assertions, confusing contradictions and unproven "truths". Then we can no longer ask how our partner comes to his point of view, but only what it means to him. What feelings he experiences. And because we know our partner well, we may be able to address them about these feelings. Whether they seem familiar to him, whether they remind him of something we know and know about him.

New worldview can affect relationship

But above all, we can ask how he thinks our relationship can go on. What his new worldview will do to us as a couple. Can he still acknowledge that I understand the world differently? And can we still mourn together the closeness we are losing? Or does he fight me like everyone else if I don't follow him?

We can do no more than try to have a gentle, understanding, and questioning dialogue. But ultimately, everything can be in vain. Because everything can be denied and repressed. And then we have to confront our partner with the fact that our common path ends because we will not follow him into his spiritual impasse. If we don't reach him through our grief, then we have lost him.

We can only hope that, despite all denial, we have somehow reached him. That there may be a part in him that will eventually prevail and he will leave his bladder again. Because he doesn't want to lose us and our world. But maybe by then we will have separated so definitively that he can no longer reach us.

There are even more answers in the new podcast from Oskar Holzberg and his wife Claudia. ("Couple adox", i.a. on Audio Now or via gettotext.de/podcast). Both speak openly about the issues that keep challenging relationships.

Would you like to read more about the topic and exchange ideas with other women? Then have a look at the "Fight for the partner forum" BRIGITTE community past!

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BRIGITTE 26/2020