conversational habits
How to make yourself more likeable in a conversation with just a few words
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What does it do to you when a sentence starts with “But…”? You’re already thinking about contradiction, aren’t you? And that goes down less well with you than a simple “and”. Why you should swap one for the other more often—and other simple conversation tips.
Communication can challenge us, is multifaceted and can go terribly wrong. For example, when a person reads something completely different from a message than the one who wrote it intended. This can be because facial expressions and gestures are missing to better process the information – or because one person in a generation grew up without emojis and the other didn’t. In some cases, however, communication can be completely different with just one word – and above all more positive.
“But” and the brain
“I wanted to go for a walk, but I was too tired”; “We wanted to watch a movie, but I fell asleep”; “I want to go to the party but I feel too insecure”. The “but” always emphasizes the negative subordinate clause – the first part, on the other hand, is perceived less strongly, writes the psychologist Jennifer Caspari on “Psychology Today”. So the more positive part is overshadowed. According to Caspari, a “but” can play down, deny or completely cancel what has been said before. The word “and”, on the other hand, has a different effect. Complete and accept what was said before and connect it to the following statement.
Even when asked, we can feel the different effects of the words. If a person asks you about your hobby: “But why do you enjoy it?”, it sounds like skepticism and as if you have to justify yourself. The same question with the sympathy word, i.e.: “And why do you enjoy that?” sounds curious and open. The reason: We rarely associate “but” in a positive context – and if we use it ourselves, it can even be a small energy killer. Because in everyday sentences we usually justify with a “but” why something doesn’t work or failed.
Small words, big impact
If you use “and” instead of “but” more often in a conversation, the statements seem more connected. That can make a difference even in your mind. As above, if you’re thinking about going for a walk, a “I want to go for a walk and I’m tired” sounds already more doable. Another help, especially when in doubt or uncertain, is to get used to the word “yet”. Instead of: “I can’t do it”, rather: “I can’t do it yet”. That sounds directly more positive and self-confident. Equally helpful: “must” or “should” be used less often. Saying or thinking “I’m going to do my tax return” or “I want to go to the gym” instead gives a more dynamic view of what you want to do.
Sources used: Psychology Today, unternehmer.de