For a long time, BRIGITTE author Susanne Kaloff took criticism deeply personally. But recently all kinds of complaints have simply rolled off her. How did that happen?
Sometimes it was enough to raise an eyebrow or say a sharp word – and I was unsettled. I was always the most sensitive person in the room. Whenever someone expressed even the slightest criticism, I questioned my entire being. Did I think, say, or do something wrong? I was already afraid when I received an email. Then my eyes flew over the text in panic like scanners at the supermarket checkout, and I only breathed a sigh of relief again when I had made sure: no attack.
Until I stopped this circus. Stop shouting instead of listening to every word that others say about me. I ignored the unsolicited suggestions they had for improving my work, my appearance, my demeanor. Until I realized that I prefer to save my sensitivity for what is important to me: Create things instead of reacting to every bullshit.
The term appearance got a new twist a few weeks ago that I wasn’t expecting when the neighbor below me stood in front of my door and said that I was showing off too much and that either he or I had to move out. What particularly irritated me about the incident was my reaction to it. My familiar pattern of pleasing everyone didn’t work. I listened to him, took in what he said – and after his sermon replied briefly: I’ll let that sink in. Like before, it didn’t lead to me questioning everything (the move to the new apartment, my gait, my character). I took it calmly and from then on just took a little care not to trample around like I might have carelessly done. The crucial point that I didn’t mind his reprimand as much as usual was in the first few moments. I let him babble. Even though I was raging and felt like I had to counterattack straight away, I forced myself to remain silent.
The “5 Second Rule”
I applied the “5-second rule” that I had read about on an American psych blog and which is worth its weight in gold. It goes like this: In the first five seconds in which someone expresses a complaint, you become numb, numb, don’t defend yourself, don’t interrupt, don’t even assume it has something to do with yourself. Neutral mind, zero reaction, just silently observe. This can feel like forever, but with practice you will get better at not acting impulsively. These first five seconds after an accusation are exactly the ones in which we are convinced that it is about us, that we are guilty and flawed. This is the moment that pricks our ego – and this is exactly what can be outsmarted with self-regulation. If you manage not to relate what is said to you for five breaths, you become much cooler.
“Criticism is the negative assessment of a person. Even if it is justified,” says Dr. Wolfgang Krüger, psychotherapist from Berlin, confirms: “When the other person criticizes us, it is normal for us to initially gasp and be speechless. We don’t like being criticized. Then it’s good to say: I’ll think about it. Most of the time you will respond to it a little, correct a little and reject the rest.”
For me, there is a lot of wisdom in the last words: reject the rest. This is what needs to be learned: to distinguish between what belongs to one and what belongs to the other. People are triggered by things we do, say and do. But not everything has to do with us, not everything is personal. Some things are simply thrown at you, dumped on you. Often this is frustration, anger, disappointment. Sometimes excessive demands or envy. Not everything has a deep origin. Many simply have a very short fuse.
Remove yourself as if you were a character in a play
Another example of how to deal with criticism followed shortly after the trampling reprimand. It was after I had just promoted my new column. I write them on Substack, a portal that supports independent writers by paying them directly from readers via subscription. Fortunately, this was very well received by many people. Until the day a complete stranger wrote me a message on Instagram saying that 16 euros a month was way too much. Fair enough, everyone has to know for themselves what they are spending their money on and what else you get for 16 euros (a yoga class, a sandwich plus coffee in a hipster café, a kebab and a half, definitely not a massage). What’s interesting is why she let me know it was too expensive. You don’t go to Prada and blame the sales staff for saying that the goods are too expensive and that you get a whole wardrobe full for the price at H&M. I think criticism is often used to get attention, to make yourself visible and heard. To drain a little energy.
So here’s another trick to be less offended: I hear the judgment, but remove myself from the scenario. Stand out from the backdrop as if I were a character in a play. It’s quite possible that the review has more to do with the sender, her projections, problems and desire for control than with me
We live in a world of constant evaluation. Apparently, over the years, this has led many people to believe that it is desirable to add their two cents to everything. And these days it’s so easy to do that, be it on recommendation portals, on Amazon or on social media. In the past, you might have been able to send a letter to the editor to a newspaper in the hope that the criticism would be printed. But your opinion of a person wasn’t usually something you could address at three in the morning. Today this is possible around the clock. I know a guy who has made it his hobby to rate restaurants and he regularly reviews pizzerias on his favorite online portal. I’m not sure how much free time and anger it takes to go to the trouble of writing a negative text when the alternative is extremely simple: eat somewhere else, stop going. Change the program, stop looking or simply press this valuable button: Unfollow.
Taking comments personally even though we don’t know the addressees personally?
A few years ago, when one of my books was published, I was naive enough to read online reviews of my work. Today I wouldn’t even do that if someone offered me 1000 euros. I also banned myself from looking at the statistics of who unsubscribed from my newsletter and for what reasons (time, price, content, other…). I have stopped, Appreciation to be sought by people who don’t even know me personally. And: “No thanks, I don’t want any feedback for my work,” said. What I create has no claim to completeness, it is my creation, I did it as well as I could at that moment. It’s one of those places where I don’t want to improve, I don’t want to optimize. It is a holy place. One where I make the rules. Rule Numero Uno: Feedback kills the vibe. I recently read on a Buddhist website: When we stop taking things personally, half of our problems disappear.
Not taking other people’s actions, their likes and dislikes, love and rejection personally is one of the most liberating discoveries you can make. Taking things personally brings pain, frustration, sadness, insecurity, and a sense of pandering so that you can still control what you can’t control (whether they like you). We can’t, we have zero control over it. What we can control, however, is the way we react to how we are treated.