Corona burials | BRIGITTE.de

Rüdiger Salzmann and I only know each other briefly. Mutual friends had a neighboring allotment garden around 15 years ago when our children were young. At that time, Rüdiger had just become a funeral speaker, a job that seemed as strange to me as it paid me respect. The fact that someone voluntarily brought themselves into sad situations seemed as heroic as crazy.

An uncle died last week after a long serious illness and the family arranged for the funeral to take place in the smallest of circles. Only his wife and four children, it was said at first, no grandchildren, no siblings, no friends. This is extremely unusual for our family. My father, who died at the age of 46, always said about funerals: "These are the best family celebrations." He was the capo, nobody contradicted him. Of course, he did not mean the occasion, but the type of meeting: meet together in the memory of a deceased – and make the best of it. Talk about old times while eating. Tell the stories again that everyone knows, but that get better every time.

A difficult decision, but the only right one

Two days after the news that my uncle had died, there was an announcement that his wife, my aunt and my father's sister would not attend her husband's funeral. I was irritated. Such a long life together and then a funeral without mourners? Couldn't you tell the rest of your family and friends to keep your distance? No hug, but presence?

A day later I wondered if I was still ticking properly. Corona precautions had tightened and I realized that nearly centenarians should be arriving to say goodbye? With children and grandchildren and from everywhere? Best of all by train? That was when I remembered Rüdiger. The professional who knows how to say goodbye in the time of the Coronavirus without feeling guilty. And yet it does justice to a person who would have deserved a large mourning community. I wanted to know that more precisely.

Rüdiger, what does a funeral speaker actually do?

I meet with the family or friends before the funeral and learn a lot about the deceased. We discuss what kind of ideas the family or friends have. What is beautiful, what is correct? I advise them accordingly, it takes time together, listening and sometimes looking from outside to find out what really matters. Basically, I design the celebration beyond what the undertaker can do. And my core thing is this speech.

What are you doing that the undertaker is not doing?

For example the musical framing. Music carries emotion and can contain many stories. Sometimes after an hour and a half I find out what this song means. This does not happen in a conversation about design about flowers, design or candles. I then learn that the song "Blue Spanish Eyes" was very central and important in the life of the deceased. Or I sit with the family at home in the winter garden and are surrounded by 1299 hedgehogs made of clay, earthenware or something else. Then I can say: Well, 999 of them have to go to the funeral service!

Who hires a funeral speaker? Families in which relatives are afraid of breaking into tears themselves?

It is about showing the ability to act together in times of disaster. It is of course great if someone from the family or friends can speak for themselves. But that's rare. If you don't dare to do that, that's just the way it is. It is bad if you think you have to represent, you have to do something. Then you may not get your grief at all because you are busy trying to find a form outside. For example, I feel like this when school friends call me, whom I haven't heard from in 20, 30 years. Then I know, oh god, one parent died. At that moment I already had a lump in my throat and when I was 16 I saw myself sitting in the kitchen where the mother said: "And don't be late and don't drink as much and eat something decent and don't do nonsense." Then the whole professional distance is gone.

The reason for our conversation is the corona virus. When did you notice this in your job?

It is an incredibly rapid development. This became very clear last Friday and Monday, when many funeral services were canceled at once. Because families were afraid, family members could not travel, some might not be able to come out of their homes, or older people thought: For God's sake, I don't want to sit with such a large group. The next day, half of them called again and said, "We're going to do that outside the grave now, without the space around us."

Do you normally speak in a chapel or in the room where the dead man is laid out?

It is very different, there is no "normally". The deceased are not always laid out, the coffin is almost always locked. There is often an urn too. One can only imagine funeral services with a picture, regardless of a cemetery. This is a situation that I believe will be very common in the near future.

Does this mean that the funerals will take place without friends and family and that a funeral service will be rescheduled? Or how have you experienced it so far?

The answer is clear yes and no. As in all areas of life, the corona virus is currently causing a huge mess. Many simply canceled. Or said: "Now there are only two of us in the cemetery and watch how the coffin is lowered into the grave." Or: "We celebrate in a restaurant or something like that in a quarter of a year as a commemoration." But new things have also been added, for example through the church. I had my first inquiries when pastors said: "I don't do this in rooms anymore. We three do it at the grave, but we don't go into rooms anymore." Then the invitation cards are already out and suddenly relatives are there. You can't tell them: "Go somewhere else now."

What do you do in such a case?

In Northern Germany there are far more funerals with non-denominational speakers than with pastors. However, replacing a pastor at the moment is difficult because the appointments are very short-term, overnight. In one specific case, for example, I was sitting with elderly people at nine in the evening, including the responsibility to deal with this disease. I would like to make the meetings by phone at the moment, but this is sometimes difficult because many people come together or because a hearing aid cannot be combined with the phone.

Does Corona prevent grief?

The special thing about a funeral service is that it is one of the last social gatherings. It is also physically about expressing a connection. It's about working together to find out what has happened to you. Where everyone pushes and supports each other. This is currently not possible.

Do you feel that the corona virus costs dignity and comfort?

No. This struggle for the situation is also a struggle for, let's use this term, dignity. You deliberately deal with each other. It is different than when celebrations are self-advocates, as is sometimes the case in the village. When the whole shooting club is at the grave and at the end there is butter cake. Such traditions can be very comforting because they are familiar to the people who care for them. But in the current situation, none of the processes can be taken for granted. It starts with the question: What do you do with the ballpoint pen on the condolence book that everyone touches?

Do you have a tip for the bereaved and their funeral service in Corona times?

My tip is the one that applies to every confrontation with grief, regardless of external influences: find out what is good for you, what is important and also find your own form for it. That you don't have to stick to traditional or ritualized actions just "because it's the way it should be". But that you consciously choose certain rituals because they belong to you. The real problem arises when you can't grieve for fear of Corona.

This article was originally published on stern.de.