Constant messages, spying or lying in wait – stalking has many faces. But why does someone become a stalker? We spoke about this with Stefan Martin from Mannebuero Zurich.
SRF: Why does someone become a stalker?
Stephan Martin: A uniform answer is difficult. But I think it’s often about commitment difficulties. That you haven’t learned how to separate yourself adequately. To know: When does it end? And also not being able to deal with rejection.
Which people come to counseling?
Basically, it’s a colorful bouquet of men who come to us – from bankers to road builders, everyone is there. It depends on the context: Is it a referral via the public prosecutor’s office for a violent crime? Or is it a self-reporter who has committed violence and wants to change his behavior?
And what about those who engage in stalking?
Very difficult. From a social perspective, stalking is associated with a lot of shame. Pop culture also plays a role: Whitney Houston’s stalker in the film “Bodyguard,” for example. You always have the feeling that the stalker is such a sick personality.
Instead of standing in front of your ex-partner’s house: What could you do instead at this moment?
But today we know that these are often people who do not have a pathological background. Rather, it’s more about attachment difficulties, for example. In addition, you may not be able to see that you are being stalked.
How does a stalker still find you?
Mostly either involuntarily through the public prosecutor’s office, through the Violence Protection Act – where we get the files and volunteer for a conversation, or a few come on their own initiative.
How do you work with these people?
We are certainly working on reflection. The first step is to accept that your own behavior is wrong. It is important to show what your own behavior means for the other person and to understand that you are also harming yourself.
Since it’s often about the ex-partner, everything revolves around her. All other things that are stabilizing are forgotten during this time. That’s why we’re also working on regeneration options. Instead of standing in front of your ex-partner’s house: What could you do instead at this moment? Take charge of your own life again. Build a structure again and see that your own life is worth living.
Do you see yourself as a victim?
I think that in order to justify this pathological stalking yourself, it certainly helps if you blame the other person. That’s why a central point in stalking advice is taking responsibility.
We show: You are 100 percent responsible for your own actions. What was before was before. We can discuss this together. But the plot thing is just a different topic. That we really try to separate that. But of course you can’t do that in one sitting.
How big is the insight that your own behavior is wrong?
When it comes to stalking, I’ve had both. I had to deal with people where I had to see that there wasn’t really any insight at all. But I’ll say it’s about 50/50. But it can also be that you think: I think he’s slowly getting it. And next time he’ll be in the victim role again. It’s a back and forth. It’s not like someone comes to us and is then just healed. It’s about learning to live with your issues and taking responsibility. That’s what I’m trying to do.
The interview was conducted by Sina Alpiger.