Couples Counselor: What not to do if your boyfriend is in a toxic relationship

When our loved ones are stuck in a toxic relationship, it’s hard for us to deal with, too. Couples counselor Eric Hegmann gives advice on what we can and cannot do as friends.

She’s sitting across from you again after a long time, she didn’t cancel this appointment at short notice. “You look good,” you try to break the ice, both of you knowing you’re lying.

She seems pale and unhappy, he probably didn’t like something about her again and they argued for a long time. How can she be with a bastard like that? A person who keeps her small, constantly criticizes, controls her every step and takes the shine out of her eyes? And how can you help her out of this relationship?

Our society has become more sensitive

When close friends are stuck in a relationship that, in our view, is clearly toxic, it is difficult to deal with on a number of levels. Certainly, the term “toxic” is now being used in a rather inflationary way in our society. On the other hand, we as a society have become more sensitive overall – not more sensitive and snapped up more quickly, but more attentive to behaviors that are hurtful and transgressive.

We’re not too quick to say to girls these days when boys pull hair, “Oh, he likes you and he just doesn’t know how to tell you that!” Nor do we defend “bad boy” behavior: it’s not cool to be emotionally unavailable, to put your own needs ahead of those around you (and your partner), or to resolve conflicts “like a man” (that is, with physical violence ).

And yet so many people still end up in relationships that we can only describe as toxic. There can be many reasons why we end up in such a partnership ourselves, but at least we can control how we deal with it – but what about when close friends are trapped in an apparently toxic relationship? What can we do as a friend, what are we allowed to do – and above all, what not? We spoke to couples counselor Eric Hegmann about it.

What can I do if my friend is in a toxic relationship?

GUIDO: A close friend: a close friend is in a new relationship. How do I deal with it if I don’t like my partner?

Eric Hegmann: Of course it’s hard to endure seeing someone in a relationship that you don’t think is good for that person. But enduring is probably part of it. Until the case, which hopefully does not occur, that the fear comes true.

Why do I take responsibility for others?

But basically everyone is responsible for their own emotions. When I feel worried, I should look into it and ask myself:

  • What is it exactly that concerns me?
  • Why do I dislike my friend?
  • What does that have to do with me?
  • What does that have to do with my own experiences?

Because all emotions are initially echoes of past experiences that are meant to warn me about something. So why is my emotional alert system activated? Why am I afraid for my best friend? And it makes sense to consider: Why doesn’t my best friend’s alarm system go off, even though she knows this person a lot better than I do?

Concern and helpfulness are wonderful and nurturing feelings. But they have to be checked, otherwise they can also become encroaching. I recommend all caretakers to empathize again and again: Why do I take responsibility for others?

Not everyone has to like themselves. But what if you notice that the friend in the relationship is changing and seems to be suffering from constant problems?

First of all, this is the girlfriend’s affair, painful as it may be to watch. Good advice is also a beating if you have not received a mandate for it. Anyone who pushes tips on others, even with the best of intentions, is violating their autonomy. Most people resist it. When we change must, then we won’t do that. Changing others has never worked. People change when they wantnot if you have to.

As a consequence, this means: tell your girlfriend that you have experienced how she is not doing well and offer her to be there for her. Your own conclusion that the friend is responsible for the change is not a wise idea. Especially not with the solution that you have to change something in the relationship.

How do I address it if I’m seriously concerned about the person?

Just like: “I’m very worried.” But refrain from wanting to know the reasons for their behavior, instead ask them. Be a good listener, be there for your friend, but don’t try to be a therapist or a coach.

With this role, you easily put a strain on your friendship. For example, if you have the impression that your girlfriend wants to change something but is unable to do so, then it is better to advise external support. They know the tools to help your girlfriend in the long term. For example, couples therapy that your friend does with her partner.

How can I support when I notice that my friend is not only in a difficult but also a dangerous relationship, i.e. for example permanent control, jealousy, manipulation and restriction on their part are in the foreground?

Be there for them, maybe ask if couples therapy would be an option. Maybe your friend is already making one. You may even do harm with active and directive advice.

Stand by your side, listen. Otherwise, your girlfriend’s partner, if he loves his partner and wants to keep the relationship going, will turn against you if he fears you are having what he considers a negative influence on her. That would mean even more stress for your girlfriend, in the worst case she would have to make a decision.

What do I do if I notice that the new partner is trying to sabotage our friendship, for example by constantly calling and checking during our meetings or even bans if necessary?

Again, you don’t know what’s really going on between the two. You are not in. If your partner turns against you, it may be because he sees you as a threat and actually loves his partner. In my experience, a couple with professional support has a much better chance than if family or friends intervene. That doesn’t mean you have to be idle. If it is indeed dangerous for your friend, create a safe space for her or help her find one.

Eric Hegmann is a couples therapist, singles and partnership counselor and founder of the Modern Love School.

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Bridget

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